HOLLYWOOD – In a landmark move the American Film Institute and the Motion Picture Association of America have agreed to join forces to eradicate Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake from the annals of history.
“For the past year it has been our strict policy not to mention the film Oldboy”, said project leader Chuck Storm:
When we have been forced to confront the issue it is commonly referred to as ‘The Stain’ but there are those, including myself, that prefer to call it ‘The Aberration’. We’ve managed to expunge it’s existence from our own records and ensure it cannot be legally distributed but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We need the public to come forward and hand in any hard copies they might have accidentally bought, either during a fit of madness or for a drunken bet. We promise to maintain your anonymity and we’ll even give you a copy of the exceptional Korean original in exchange.
So far the plan has been warmly received. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone tweeted “Finally we have a scorched Oldboy policy” and British Film Critic Mark Kermode wrote in The Guardian newspaper “Technically it’s a bad day for freedom of expression but it’s a bloody marvellous day for quality control”. However a few media outlets have accused the project of censorship at best and at worst, Nazism:
“Yeah, we’ve been called Nazis”, said Storm:
But the truth is Hitler would have been a big fan of the ‘Aberration’. He loved the idea of taking something beautiful and experimenting on it for no apparent reason until what was great about the original is gone and all you have left is an ugly dead midget with six legs and essentially that’s what Lee’s film is. It’s an ugly, dead midget with six legs.
Oldboy will soon not be available to buy anywhere, forever.