SONY’S SECRET ASSASSINATION PROGRAM

Lenny Delowitz Dec 14, 2014

HOLLYWOOD – A fresh email leak has revealed that throughout the 1980s Sony funded a top secret assassination program called Project Walkman.

Carol Hake, the head of Sony’s Innovation and Technology department contacted Scott Rudin last May amid fears a former agent of the program had gone rogue:

Morning Scott

I’ve just heard from Agent K. He confirms that Agent F has gone off the reservation. Headquarters are worried and are looking to implement the fail-safe.

Your advice has been requested.

CH

P.S Lovely to see you and Gina the other night. We’ll do it again soon.

—-

Hello Carol

I’ve spoken to Agent D and he confirms Agent K’s intel about Agent F. It doesn’t look good but we’ve been here before. You remember Cannes 92?

Let me talk to Agent X and get back to you.

Scott

—-

Hey Scott

Have you heard from Agent X?

We pulled Agent D, Agent M and Agent O in for a debrief. They all confirm our worst suspicions about Agent F. The top brass are getting twitchy but I won’t give the order until you make contact.

CH

—-

Yo Carol

Sorry about the late reply I ran into Shia LeBeouf on Sunset and we went for a few drinks. I spoke to Agent X and he said to call off the attack dogs. Agent F is solid it was just a misunderstanding.

Hope you’re well.

Scott

—-

Scott

You went for a few drinks? I haven’t heard from you in three f*cking weeks!

You’re too late. Agent F has been erased. You never made contact so they think you’re been turned. They’ll track your email and send somebody over. Get out of the house NOW!

CH

—-

Hey Carol

Ha-Ha, very funny. You had me there for a second.

You know how it is, when you’re partying with Shia time runs away with you.

I’ve got to go, Will Smith has arrived unexpectedly and I…