SIR BEN KINGSLEY’S TREVOR JOINS PIMPS OF THE SUBWAY
We’re deviating from the comics slightly but I think fans will be delighted. I pitched the idea to Marvel head honcho Kevin Feige myself. He was reluctant at first but I was like ‘Kev mate, who here is the f*ckin’ Oscar winner?’ Listen, you hungry?
No, Benny, I’m fine thanks.
F*ck you say?
Sir Ben, sorry, Ben sir…
Ha ha ha ha ha! I’m wanking your chain chum! Let’s have some swan, you ever eat swan? I’ll get Tom Hiddleston on the phone, he’ll hook us up [Dials phone]…Tommy boy? Yeah it’s Ben E King! He he he heh, you dirty little pr*ck, listen, I’m here with the Yanker and we’re proper starving fella, fancy popping round with two whitey’s. Yeah? Sure, you can bring Cumberbatch. We’re at the Old Crabby Cock. Cheerio mucker. [Puts down phone]. He’s on his way. Garcon! more gin!
So, the movie…
Yeah, yeah, so I says to Kevin, how’s about Trevor uses his acting skills to go undercover with the Pimps, but as an old hooker you know? Like a bit of ‘niche skirt’ as we call it. Some blokes are into that and, wait, that’s my phone. [Answers phone] Who’s this? Winstone! Ray-gun! You stinky old knob cheese, how’s tricks? Ur huh? yeah we’re down at the Crabby, about to have some whitey’s with young Tommy, the Yanker and little Bumblesnatch. You’re with Ian McKellen? Bring the old tosser along sure. Over and out. [Puts phone down]. That was Ray Winstone, he’s bringing Gandalf.
Got it. So you were saying?
You think I should phone Caine? I should eh?…but he’ll only bring that Nolan kid again, and he’s so glum. Two drinks and he’s always going on about the unreliability of memory and trying to juxtapose one reality with the paradigm of narrative, I can’t be arsed with that when I’m trying to have a booze you know?F*ck it, I’ll phone him.
At this point the Studio Exec’s recollection becomes a bit hazy. Nolan, Cumberbatch, McKellan, Hiddleston, Caine and Winstone did indeed turn up and swan was swallowed with gusto. From photographic evidence it seems that we crashed Judi Dench‘s house while she was having a family dinner…there are phone messages from Colin Firth about a prank gone wrong with Richard E. Grant and a stuffed pheasant and cryptic advice about ‘laying low for a while’.
Marvel’s Pimps of the Subway will be released in 2018.