russell brand
LONDON – Comedian and philosopher Russell Brand was shot dead this morning as he was visiting Canterbury Cathedral.

Brand, whose recent interview with Newsnight’s Jeremy Paxman has been applauded by millions of politically disenfranchised and oppressed individuals the world over, was declared dead at the scene and crowds have gathered to lay flowers and pay their respects to the man.
“We had to do it,” said the Head of MI6 John Sawyers.

He was making too much sense with his talk of social equality and wealth redistribution. People were beginning to realise that Western civilisation is fundamentally unfair and only served the privileged few. We just can’t allow that kind of chat so the decision was made to snuff him out as quickly as possible.

US president Barack Obama welcomed the decision to clip Brand:

I was getting phone calls night and day from outraged bankers, heads of energy companies and Arms dealers all saying something must be done about this Brand guy. We had a couple of snipers waiting for him at the airport the next time he stepped foot on US soil but it seems the British secret service have saved us a few bullets.

It was rumoured that British Prime Minister David Cameron gave the order to take Brand out, but in a hastily arranged press conference, he denied the accusation:

I was at a meeting with MI6 and the Brand issue came up. All I said was ‘Will no one rid me of this turbulent comedian?’ And apparently some people in the room took that the wrong way.

Brand joins a long line of outspoken individuals cut down in their prime by the establishment and Conservative MP Iain Duncan Smith said he hopes this incident serves as a warning to anybody else who is considering using their common sense:

It’s not rocket science, you either shut up, keep your head down and accept the way things are or we shoot you. I fail to see how we can make that any clearer.

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