SHOCK NEWS: RUSSELL BRAND ASSASSINATED
He was making too much sense with his talk of social equality and wealth redistribution. People were beginning to realise that Western civilisation is fundamentally unfair and only served the privileged few. We just can’t allow that kind of chat so the decision was made to snuff him out as quickly as possible.
I was getting phone calls night and day from outraged bankers, heads of energy companies and Arms dealers all saying something must be done about this Brand guy. We had a couple of snipers waiting for him at the airport the next time he stepped foot on US soil but it seems the British secret service have saved us a few bullets.
I was at a meeting with MI6 and the Brand issue came up. All I said was ‘Will no one rid me of this turbulent comedian?’ And apparently some people in the room took that the wrong way.
It’s not rocket science, you either shut up, keep your head down and accept the way things are or we shoot you. I fail to see how we can make that any clearer.