PHNOM PENH – News came in last night of a frantic and heroic mission carried out under the leadership of veteran Navy Seal and part time actor Charlie Sheen to ‘capture and extract’ John Milius from the jungle near the Cambodian border where he was ruling as warrior/filmmaker/king protected by the cast and crew of the (unnecessary) Red Dawn remake.
Under strictest secrecy Seal team 8 penetrated Cambodian territory and fought through Milius’ lines until they cornered the Big Wednesday director who despite his adoption of a suit of parakeet feathers was still recognizable by his trademark baseball cap. The operation was the culmination of weeks of preparation under the firm hand of Sean Penn who was called in at the last minute when Clint Eastwood had to pull out due to his pending court case with Ikea concerning the veteran filmmakers harassment of a stool set.
Charlie Sheen was accompanied by Emilio Estevez as the Repo Man – as he prefers to be called – had nothing to do on a Tuesday anyway.
When asked whether Michael Biehn was also involved a Pentagon spokesman said, ‘Who?’
Milius will share a cell in Guatanamo with Michael Bay who was recently captured in Vietnam after attempting to restart the war because it would be ‘you know exciting.’