Jake Lloyd, Brandon Routh, Hayden Christensen
WASHINGTON – The FBI, CIA and Homeland Security have issued an unprecedented planet wide security alert and sent a ‘Panic Scenario’ to the United Nations in the light of the disappearance from a secure facility of Brandon Routh, Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen, which was soon followed by the appearance of a mysterious poster  online.

The image (above) depicts the chilling trifecta (of Brandon Routh, Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen) with the cryptic yet ultimately threatening message ‘We are coming for you’. The agencies have issued a joint statement to the American and human population at large:

At 8.00 hours this morning, an image appeared online that should be considered a threat to the way of life of every human being on the planet. It has been confirmed that the three ‘men’ had escaped from the secret CIA dungeon where they have been held since 2008. While no specific demands or indeed targets have been issued, we must  assume that the intention of these three former ‘actors’ is malign in nature. We urge people to take the necessary precautions against any kind of attack; biological, chemical or theatrical. Please GOD in heaven can we all pray to all deities that this is NOT a theatrical threat?  I mean, bombs and shit we can all handle; but a play, TV special or (whisper it) a movie project would be unthinkable at this time. Oh Baby Jesus, sweet baby Jesus in his sweet strawy manger deliver us from what we have wrought.

Stay at home, turn off your television and avoid YouTube in case they unleash a viral campaign. We will treat any comedy meme of these three men as an act of aggression, so you nerds better stay off Reddit and Tumblr or Kali be praised we will come down on you with the full force of the law with magnificent Ganesh on our side.

Even here from the office window of the Studio Exec we see no movements on the street, there is no whisper of traffic and even the birds have fallen silent. People have taken heed and locked themselves away, clinging to the comfort of loved ones and praying in the still darkness that this evil will not come to pass. We will continue to issue updates as long as we can but if we go darkā€¦make no mistake it is because we will be running. 

May the force be with us, all of us.

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