sean connery

BERLIN – A revealing new biography of iconic ‘Scottish’ actor Sean Connery is to claim that Edinburgh’s most famous son was actually born in Dresden and was baptized Helmut Zuller.

Xavier Poulis – Swiss cinema expert and professional cheese taster – writes: ‘Zuller grew up fascinated by all things Scottish and would walk the streets of Dresden wearing a kilt, much to the hilarity of other citizens and the chagrin of his relatives.’

According to Poulis, Zuller decided that he would adopt a new identity when he killed a sailor in a knife fight and decide to escape the forces of the law by adopting the dead sailor’s identity: Sean Connery.

Throughout his career Connery was terrified he would be recognized and that is why to this day none of his films have ever been shown in his native city. The Dresden Clause became a staple of all of Connery’s contracts, leading director Brian De Palma to ask: “What do you have against Dresden?” and receive an open palmed slap across the face in reply.

The news that Connery is in fact Zoller has been met with disbelief in Dresden. Local historian Martin Stat said:

It sounds like phooey to me. Everyone knows Zoller was killed in a knife fight with a sailor called Sean… Wait a minute!

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