HATEFUL EIGHT: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD -Following the leaking of Quentin Tarantino’s Hateful Eight script, Tarantino initially thought of abandoning the film entirely, but has  instead totally rewritten.

EXT. SNOW SWEPT PLAIN. DAY.
A stagecoach rides full pelt through the driving snow, followed by two outriders. They approach and enter a small town. 

INT. TAVERN. DAY.
Four men (TARANTINO, KEITEL, MADSEN and DERN) sit around a table in the tavern. They are finishing a card game that has been going on for hours. One of the men (QUENTIN TARANTINO) is in the middle of saying something. 

So Camptown Races is the story of a chick who’s into big dicks.

I don’t get it.

It’s obvious. All that Do-dah, do-dah. What did you think it means? 

Four men (JACKSON, BUSCEMI, WALTZ and ROTH) enter from the stagecoach outside. They regard the men at the table and then take their places at the bar. They seem to recognize each other. 

What can I git you gentlemen?

A Kahuna Burger…

A packet of red apple cigarettes…

Pipe tobacco…

And a refreshing beverage. 

What in the Sam Hill are you talking about?

Well if it ain’t Gawker’s boys. Why howdy. 

Aaaw, if it ain’t that motherf*ckin’ QT. How you doin’ there?

Everyone draws their guns. A track courtesy of Jay-z with over literal relevance.

There weren’t no way you could know I was here but that somebody betrayed me. 

QT notices MADSEN scribbling something down. 

If you’d had done what I told you to do, that script would have still been a secret.

MADSEN joins his new pals, leveling his gun at QT. DERN also stands up.

Et tu Bruce?

They promised me an Oscar nod for Nebraska. I was desperate.

Looks like it’s just me and you Harvey.

Speak for yourself, Quentin. You haven’t used me since Pulp Fiction.

TARANTINO stands. He now faces seven guns.

Prepare to meet your maker.

Suddenly machine gun fire bursts in the room as SPIDERBABY flies through the windows wearing a helicopter jetpack and a Gatling gun. The TRAITORS dies in a ballet of blood (7 mins). TARANTINO and SPIDERBABY embrace.

Spiderbaby, how did you think of such a brilliant plan?

I didn’t. I just copied it off the ending of Kick Ass.

Shhhhhh.

They laugh. Freeze frame. Credits.