the force

GENEVA – Today scientists at the CERN facility in Switzerland announced that they have proof positive that the Force – which gives the Jedi their power – has been proven to actually exist.

As only the latest in what has been a series of astounding discoveries, – the evidence of the God particle, then the speed of neutrinos – this breakthrough confirms what was already hinted at by George Lucas and millions of deluded unmarried men that the Star Wars universe actually has some relevance to our universe. In other words this is not just an adolescent space fantasy which is taken way too seriously, but a key to understanding the realm of the known objective universe.

The first inkling came when Dr. Fabiani in Trieste, Italy, discovered midi-chlorians in the blood stream, micro-organisms which work as a gateway to the force. Many criticized Fabiani for borrowing the term first used in Phantom Menace because ‘it lacked credibility’ and ‘the prequels are a complete pile of shit’ as an editorial in Nature put it.

However, George Lucas is said to be delighted at the news, feeling that it will serve as vindication for what many people, including the esteemed space pilot Han Solo, had called vaporous mumbo jumbo. His eyes glinting, Lucas spent many hours whimpering, ‘merchandising, merchandising.’

J.J Abrams who is currently completing Episode 7: The Force Awakens said that the discovery had no influence on the choice of the film’s title. ‘It is simply a lucky accident,’ he told the Studio Exec.

Some in the scientific community have urged caution, pointing to the cheapness and accessibility of soft drugs and hallucinogens in Switzerland at the moment.

Howard the Duck 2 is due for release in 2016.

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