SCIENTISTS CONFIRM TAYLOR SWIFT FINDINGS
MASSACHUSETTS – Scientist at MIT have confirmed that the hypotheses forwarded by Ms. Taylor Swift in her song Shake It Off are confirmed by empirical evidence as well as under laboratory conditions.
Dr. Habbley Athernot told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We first heard the song like many others as just another pleasant tune from the toothsome songstress and multi-award winning artist. However, it occurred to some of us that some of her ideas might be testable and more importantly we could get both media coverage and a grant.
So what did you do?
Well, some of the experiments were carried out through mass observation in the field but others involved controlled experiments that we could perform in the laboratory. Following a combination of the two which logged over three hundred hours in the field and a little over a thousand carefully chosen test subjects we were able to pronounce with a 87% chance of certainty that Ms. Swift was 100% accurate.
Of all the haters we looked at, and we contacted about 700 we found that 100% admitted hating something and therefore haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Likewise anyone who self-identified as a player (we interviewed about 500 of these) also confirmed to having played a game, or having played life metaphorically as if it was a game, so players are similarly going to play, play, play, play, play. Fakers are famously difficult to study, but using control groups and blind experiments along with industrial quantities of sodium thiopental, more commonly known as sodium pentothal, we found they would indeed fake fake fake fake fake. We came across some difficulty when we tried to understand the mechanism by which we can access whether heart-breakers are going to break, but we are willing to go with Ms. Swift because she was also accurate about another matter: the number of times haters hate, players play and heart-breakers break. Specifically, five.
And what about the solution of ‘shaking it off’?
At this point, that’s what I would call an testable hypothesis, but it wouldn’t be beyond reason to think that at some point in the future we might have the technology to actually measure the efficacy of shaking it off, which I’m presuming is masturbation.
However, despite the findings of MIT, a rival group of scientists at Princeton have posited that Kanye West was actually correct in his contention that Beyoncé and not Taylor Swift should have won the best video at the VMAs in 2009. ‘We’ve proved it with numbers,’ said the head of the research group. ‘MIT can go suck it.’
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