HOLLYWOOD – After 40 years in the industry Sam Elliot’s moustache announced to an emotional press conference that it was leaving Hollywood and retiring to the south of France.

“I’ve had a fabulous career,” said the impeccably groomed tache.

But now every time I look in the mirror I see more and more grey hairs and I think it’s high time I hung up my Remington and tried my hand at wine making. I’ve become something of a connoisseur over the years and then when I won a vineyard from Ben Affleck in a poker game, I took it as a sign that I should leave gracefully and pursue my passion for the grape.

Asked if he’d spoken to Sam Elliot about his decision to retire, the moustache sighed.

Look it’s no secret that Sam and I haven’t spoken for years. There was a time when we were inseparable; he had my back and I had his butt. Then he started to hide behind me. He’d turn up to work drunk and forget his lines – it was unprofessional. I was having to carry him through scenes, which was fine, I regarded it as a team effort, but then he went into rehab and when he came out his agent said he needed a change of image and he shaved me off as if I meant nothing to him. From that day on it’s never been the same between us. We’ve tried to reconcile and though I no longer feel any resentment towards him, whatever we had is broken and cannot be fixed.

It is rumoured that Elliot has been auditioning other moustaches and showbiz hack Perez Hilton claimed on twitter he has a picture of Elliot sporting a new pencil thin lip wig.

Like I was so in Starbucks ordering a Frap and Sam Elliot came in and was all like: I got a new nose garden so screw you bitch!

…Said the potato headed gossip-monger.

Asked if he had any advice for Elliot’s new facial hair, his former moustache offered these words of wisdom.

Sam without a crumb catcher is nothing more than an old man with cake up his nostrils. You’re the star of the show and if he doesn’t show you the respect you deserve, Robin Williams is always in the market for extra ass fluff.

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