Basing a Marvel movie on Nabokov’s controversial novel Lolita was always going to be a tricky proposition but thankfully, director Titur Birkenhead (In Search of the Village People) handles the subject matter with such deftness and subtlety that you almost don’t notice that this fun and furious fantasy film about a Norse God is an examination of the relationship between a middle aged literary professor and a 12-year-old girl.
Thor plays Chris Hemsworth, an Australian actor in the midst of a long and protracted acid trip in which he wields a magic flying hammer and fires lightning bolts, usually in the direction of his mischievous half-brother, Liam. At the climax of Chris Hemsworth: The Dark World, which was described by any critic not being forced to be nice about a film because the company that makes it advertises on their website as akin to dipping your genitals into an electric blender whilst simultaneously having your eyeballs scooped out by Freddy Kruger’s tetanus riddled claws, inside a volcano on a particularly bleak Monday morning, our hero chose to live on earth with his true love, Natalie Portman rather than follow his father, Hannibal Lecter and become the next ruler of Asgard. Fortunately, Hollywood is coming around to the idea that Natalie Portman is a bit boring and arrogant, and that her best movie was Leon 21 years ago and no matter how old she gets she looks like a schoolgirl dressed up in her mother’s clothes, so she’s not in it.
Along for the ride is Mark Gruffalo, who has that thousand-yard stare of a man that was once forced to star opposite Keira Knightley. Jeff Goldblum playing Jeff Goldblum in a wizard’s costume and Tom Hiddleston, playing Tom Hiddleston in a wig.
It’s all great fun, probably. I can’t remember. I took two McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers in with me and I’m pretty sure the salt has degraded my frontal lobe.