HOLLYWOOD – We only have ourselves to blame. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore – the romance of the millennium, the fairy story that look set to end in acrimony and scandal – will actually continue.

The separation and divorce announced and filed December 2012, has turned out to be yet another elaborate gag on the part of the irrepressible Ashton Kutcher.

‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,’ said Mr. Kutcher to the three journalists who turned up to the press conference. ‘HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Phew. There, now you’ve been Punk’d by the master perhaps (and this is the serious point me and Demi wanted to make) you won’t be so quick to gloat at the failing of a celebrity marriage between an Amazonian beauty and a youngster who’s famous for pretty much nothing.’ 

The fake separation was greet with expressions of joy also by Ms. Moore’s ex, Bruce Willis, who found out about it when he turned up to Demi Moore’s house with a huge bouquet of flowers, a diamond re-engagement ring and champagne on ice. ‘Oh…’ he said, with a small choking sound. ‘That’s wonderful. And funny. I suppose. Does anyone know where the nearest bar is from here?’ 

3 Other Famous Kutcher Japes

1. Convincing everyone that abstemious book worm Charlie Sheen was actually a wild party animal, Kutcher through hacking Sheen’s phone managed to create an impression of such staggering instability that Sheen was booted off his incredibly successful sit-com Two and a Half Men. To make it even funnier, he was replaced by … Ashton Kutcher! HA!

2.  During the filming of The Guardian, he convinced Kevin Costner that the film was actually about the British newspaper The Guardian and Costner spent six months in their London offices doing research which proved useless when it came to filming the scenes as a Coast Guard rescue swimmer. 

3. Prior to filming Jobs Kutcher told everyone he had read the script when as a matter of fact he still hasn’t. 

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher will be divorcing again next week for anyone who missed it.  

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