star wars script

HOLLYWOOD – Read for the first time an internal memo compiled by two senior producers (identified only by their initials AL and JP)  working at 20th Century Fox, which is highly critical of George Lucas’ new science fiction film Star Wars.

Snigger along with us as these witless assholes tear apart what will become a masterpiece and one of the most commercially successful movies of all time.

20th Century Fox
Production Office
Internal Memo 213/45
AP and JL notes from screening.

  1. AL: notes ‘Beginning is toilet.’ First, this is 1977 and no one can read so get rid of the ‘A long time ago…’ bullshit. And anyway what is this a fairy tale or something. Then  all the spaceships. So derivative of 2001: a Space Odyssey. JP instructs: Ask legal if we might be sued.
  2. What’s with the gay robots? Again is this a ‘fairy’ tale? JP: Seriously, I know this Lucas fellow is based in San Francisco but this film has got to sell in Montana as well. Jeez.
  3. Darth Skywalker? JP asks: Could we not change his name? It’s confusing. Why does he have the same name as the lead character? I don’t understand. 
  4. JP and AL agree: Jawas are great. 
  5. Uncle Owen is great. But not nearly in it enough. He should go with Luke on the adventure. Kill the aunt. Maybe leave one of the droids as well. 
  6. That limey asshole with the beard and the Japanese name. AL asks: Who is he? What the fXXX? And all that horse shit about ‘The Force’, too long and boring. JP agrees.
  7. AL says: Cantina scene too long. Cut it out completely. And that extra from Bonanza: Hand Solo. Uncle Owen can do his job.  
  8. JP and AL: Princess Leia is hot, but when she falls in the garbage contractor we should see you know a bit more of her, wet. AL adds: Maybe Darth Skywalker can torture her a bit more. 
  9. Death Moon is ok. But JP asks why not something bigger like Death Planet or Death Star?? Have a think.
  10. Very moving when Luke Skywalker dies at the end kamikazi and all that like his English/Japanese pal suggests. But JP’s thinking maybe sequel. So what if he survives and they have some big ‘Nazi party’ at the end.  
AL: This cut as it stands is an unmitigated disaster. Full of spiritual bullshit and fairy tale crap and fairy robots.
JP: There are some good bits here. But it is too long and boring and this Lucas fellow is obviously not a competent film director. Get someone else in to shoot some pick ups and cut cut cut. Plus lose the definite article. Should read Star Wars. 

XXSD: 1435267334285859969 
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  1. It’s no secret Allan Ladd ( The AL initials) or “Laddie” ( Pres. of Fox) never understood Star Wars and told Lucas as much up front even as he green lit production. There’s so much of this that rings as parody it’s hard to believe it’s not a hoax. Do you have a way to authenticate it?

  2. This “Memo” is unmitigated B.S., but only because this entire website is mostly parody. However, people seem to think it’s real. It’s like someone forwarding an “Onion” article as news. Come on, people! Research first!

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