We all love Oscar night. The glitz, the glamour, the yearly wheeling out of Jack Nicholson; but as a television spectacle it can be a mind numbing experience. Especially for those who are no longer able to consume large quantities of alcohol due to medical issues or them no longer being able to bare waking up next to a dead prostitute with a mouthful of cigarette ash and a screaming hangover.
Have no fear though as the Studio Exec has devised a game to keep you perky throughout the arduous ceremony. The rules are simple. Every time somebody mentions or you see one of the below then you must ingest the associated narcotic.
Disclaimer: Should you permanently damage yourself due to taking part in this game, The Studio Exec accepts no responsibility. You’re an adult for Christ sake, take it on the chin and put it down to experience:
If you see a Beard – 1 puff on a joint
If you see Ben Affleck – 2 puffs of a joint
If you see Jack Nicholson – 3 puffs of a joint
If you see Heath Ledger – Put down the joint
If somebody thanks their agent – A pinch of cocaine in the left nostril
If somebody thanks their parents – A pinch of cocaine in the right nostril
If somebody thanks God – A pinch of cocaine in both nostrils.
If somebody thanks the Academy – Pause. Otherwise you’ll run out of Cocaine
If you laugh at a Seth MacFarlane Joke – A small line of Amphetamine
If you don’t laugh at a Seth MacFarlane Joke – A medium line
If Seth MacFarlane laughs at his own joke – A large line
If Sean Penn looks pissed off due to a Seth MacFarlane joke – Lick the TV screen and get high on his rage.
Every time Argo wins an award – Ingest 1 quaalude
Every time Lincoln wins an award – Drop 1 tab of acid
Every time Les Miserable wins an award – Freebase.
Every time The Master wins an award – It won’t. But if it does have a syringe of heroin on standby.
ENJOY THE SHOW FOLKS
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