We all love Oscar night. The glitz, the glamour, the yearly wheeling out of Jack Nicholson; but as a television spectacle it can be a mind numbing experience. Especially for those who are no longer able to consume large quantities of alcohol due to medical issues or them no longer being able to bare waking up next to yet another dead prostitute.
Have no fear though as The Studio Exec has devised a game to keep you perky throughout the arduous ceremony. The rules are simple. Every time somebody mentions or you see one of the below then you must ingest the associated narcotic.
Disclaimer: Should you permanently damage yourself due to taking part in this game, The Studio Exec accepts no responsibility. You’re an adult for Christ sake, take it on the chin and put it down to experience:
If you see a beard – 1 puff on a joint
If you see George Clooney – 2 puffs of a joint
If you see Jack Nicholson – 3 puffs of a joint
If you see Heath Ledger – Put down the joint
If somebody thanks their agent – A pinch of cocaine in the left nostril
If somebody thanks their parents – A pinch of cocaine in the right nostril
If somebody thanks God – A pinch of cocaine in both nostrils.
If somebody thanks the Academy – Pause. Otherwise you’ll run out of Cocaine. Unless you’re Leonardo DiCaprio in which case, go crazy, there is plenty more were what came from.
If you laugh at an Ellen DeGeneres Joke – A small line of Amphetamine
If you don’t laugh at a Ellen DeGeneres Joke – A medium line
If Ellen DeGeneres laughs at her own joke – A large line
If Sean Penn looks pissed off due to a Ellen DeGeneres joke – Lick the TV screen and get high on his rage.
Every time 12 years a Slave wins an award – Ingest 1 quaalude
Every time Gravity wins an award – Drop 1 tab of acid
Every time The Wolf of Wall Street wins an award – Freebase.
Every time Philomena wins an award – It won’t. But if it does have a rock already stoked in your crack pipe.
ENJOY THE SHOW FOLKS
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