‘PIERS MORGAN: THE MOVIE’ IS GO.
Then in August this year, I managed to acquire a preview copy of his new book and by the time I’d hit the last page, I’d decided to write the script myself. It took me a couple of bottles of wine and five hours to complete a first draft and, I must say, it was one of the most joyous and amusing evenings of my life.
It’s about a director called Daniel Royle who spends a drunken evening trying to write a script about Piers Morgan but all he can write are these death scenes. Unfortunately due to a once in a million years planetary alignment every scene Royle writes comes true and Morgan is ripped out of his day-to-day reality and killed over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. In one scene he falls into an industrial sausage press; in another he gets eaten by giant tortoises. A piano drops on his head, an anvil, a refrigerator, a pool table and a Zebra. He’s boiled alive, roasted alive, sautéed, poached, grilled and microwaved alive. He’s dipped in breadcrumbs and thrown into a giant deep fat fryer, alive and these are just examples of what happens in the first quarter. And it’s a three hour film and as time goes by his deaths become increasingly elaborate. I think my favourite scene is Piers being struck by lightning and tumbling down a hill littered with broken glass and bear traps into a pit of starving giant Anacondas on crack.