PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL SPOILER PHOBIC STAR WARS FAN FORCE AWAKENS IS OUT
NEW YORK – An obsessive spoiler phobic Star Wars fan has been told that he can come down and watch the film now, three weeks after the films release.
Obsessive Star Wars fan Colin Hardwright was so worried about hearing spoilers, or having The Force Awakens spoiled via teaser trailers, posters or story leaks that he built himself a fifty foot high pedestal in Manhattan, New York and scaled it on February 16th, 2015.
Colin’s wife Phyllis Hardwick explained Colin’s thinking to the Studio Exec:
Colin is a die-hard Star Wars fan and has been super excited about the new film ever since it was announced. He managed to avoid the first trailer but he knew that there would be more promotional material and he also knew that people might tell him something, even innocently, about I don’t know, the casting or something. So he had been reading about early Christian mystics and he got this idea of going up a pedestal until it was all over.
So then why didn’t he come down for three weeks after the film’s release?
The only problem was we were all so used to him being up there and we were excited by the film and then I wanted to see it again with my new husband. Then there was Christmas and the whole thing in the holidays. You know how during the festive season you forget what day it is, and you’re like, is it Thursday? and I sort of did that but with Colin. I mean, I’ve got a horrible feeling I might have inadvertently committed bigamy.
So what was Colin’s reaction when he finally saw the film?
We didn’t realize it, but he was quite weak. I mean his muscles had atrophied from always being in the same position. So after he descended from the pillar we were getting him to the other side of the road, but he was quite slow and he got hit by a bus.
Oh my God. Is he okay?
He’s kind of dead.
But at least he saw the film, right?
No he died instantly. I mean bang! Weren’t you listening?
Star Wars The Force Awakens is in theaters.