PAULY SHORE QUITS AFI CHAIR

PAULY SHORE QUITS AFI

HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking development at The American Film Institute, Pauly Shore quits the AFI chair.

The news comes just 12 months into his chairmanship as Pauly Shore quits the AFI chair amid a storm of corruption and bribery rumours surrounding the institute. Shore first shot to fame as a cultural icon when his art house eco-meditative film, Bio-Dome became an underground success. The Studio Exec caught up with the actor at our bungalow HQ.

Pauly, thanks for agreeing to speak with us.

Don’t sweat it, bro. I’m just glad I can put this whole thing behind me now and start living my life. I want to sleep at nights without a gun under my pillow, ya dig?

So just what happened at the AFI to make you quit:

Wait one second while I check the windows… OK. I hope you realise I’m risking my neck just speaking to you. If they knew I was doing this *draws finger across his neck*.

You’re safe Pauly. This is The Studio Exec.

And that’s the only reason I’m talking, y’see. You guys have the muscle, the clout, the chutzpah to pull this off. The AFI, they’re not what everyone thinks they are. They’re dangerous man. They got everyone by cojones. Clooney, Pitt, Scorsese, Paltrow, Spielberg and even Streep. All by the cojones. They have dirt on them all. Those faceless shadows at the AFI. They’re bad motherfuckers, I tell ya.

What have they done?

It’s what they could do. That’s how they get you. They own the studios, the financiers, the multiplexes, everything. The manufacturing, the product, the distribution network. They got it all. If you play ball with them, they can make you rich and powerful. If not, they’ll take you down, take you down to Chinatown baby.

How do they exert so much power?

It’s a protection racket. You make your indie film and you take it to Sundance to get a distribution deal. You’re the talk of the town, everyone loves you. They fill your ears with love and compliments, make sure you meet the right people. You walk a red carpet with Quentin. One day you’re Kevin Smith’s Clerks, the next you’re Kevin Smith’s Cop Out and even Matt Damon refuses to take your calls anymore. You’re fucked.

Jesus.

You said it man. If a film gets inducted into the AFI, that’s them basically saying, ‘That’s a nice film. Shame if something were to happen to it. Does it put out fires?’ They got you. One day, you’re riding high with Bio-Dome, the next minute you’re making films with Adam Sandler and Kevin James. Talk about a big shit sandwich and everyone takes a bite.

What happened to you?

They made me chair thinking they had a patsy. But then I started asking too many questions like ‘How did Aronofsky’s Noah get that budget?’, ‘Why does Charlie Kaufman still make movies?’ and ‘Who let Coppola release shitty director’s cuts?’ They don’t like it when you ask questions. I know where the bodies are buried man.

What about Cruise and Scientology?

No way man. Everyone THINKS they’re the Hollywood mafia, but they’re a front. Look at it like this Cruise and Scientology are Quantum and the AFI are SPECTRE. Cruise and his headline grabbing space hoppers are what you get if you don’t own the rights to SPECTRE. The AFI are in the shadows, pulling the strings. They’re the author of all your misfortunes… and that fucking awful Mummy film Cruise was in.

So who runs the AFI?

Oh man, why don’t you fuckin’ stop it? Shit, this is too fuckin’ big for you, you know that? Who runs the AFI, who financed Noah. Fuck man! It’s a mystery. It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. The fuckin’ shooters don’t even know! Don’t you get it?

We can protect you Pauly, come in. Go state’s evidence.

Aw man, you guys. I gotta go. I said too much. This scene’s getting dangerous man, I gotta split. Stay safe. Check under your car. Get off the grid man. They’re here, they’re here!

And like that, he was gone.

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One thought on “PAULY SHORE QUITS AFI CHAIR”

  1. i must be in the minority on the matter, but i happen to really like cop out. tracy morgan cracks me the fuck up. always.

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