kristen stewart

 LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.

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  1. Patrick Stewart is nothing but a pompous fool with a British accident. If not for Start Trek no one would know his name. His disowning Kristen is probably the best news she’s heard this week.

  2. This is hilarious. And I mean the comments on these “news articles.” It certainly explains a lot. Maybe the US should spend a little more money on education.

  3. Nice bit of satire. Kristen Stewart is the daughter of Comedy Central’s John Stewart. Xavier Picard is a French animation director. Patrick Stewart has one daughter named Sophia.

    1. no, Baal, she’s the daughter of John Stewart, a TV producer and stage manager. The gentleman on Comedy Central: his name is spelled JON Stewart.

  4. She is not nor has she ever been his daughter. She just has the same last name. Fact check first.

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