KEVIN SORBO HAS FRIENDS CLAIMS KEVIN SORBO

‘Kevin Sorbo has friends’, according to a new statement released by the actor in the aftermath of his admitting he shouted ‘Bullshit’ in a Starbucks when asked to wear a mask. It is not known if he was asked to put on the mask due to Covid19 or to hide the fact that Sorbo was using their Starbucks. Sorbo, star of blockbusters such as Piranha Sharks, Bernie The Dolphin and Bernie The Dolphin 2 advised why he felt the need to explain that ‘Kevin Sorbo has friends’ in the following statement:

 

Kevin Sorbo Has Friends And Everything

 


I, Kevin Sorbo, wish to state that I was not acting alone when I screamed ‘Bullshit’ at being asked to wear a mask. I had been standing in the queue talking with my friends, who were totally there and everything. The staff kept pointing at me and giggling. It was humiliating, but I remained calm and reasonable.

 

I AM Hercules

 

When I gave my order of a small Soy Latte Decaf with extra Sweet’N’Low, after the guy stopped giggling behind his mask they asked for my name. I did my usual and said at the top of my voice, ‘I am TV’s Hercules, young man.’ I waited for the applause, but there wasn’t any.

 

Piece Of Shit

 

You know what this little piece of shit behind the counter said to me? He said, ‘You WERE TV’s Hercules, man. What’s your actual name, y’know, for your little latte?’ And then he turns around to all the other douchebags behind the counter and they’re all laughing with him.

 

Little Bastard

 


So my friend, who was still totally with me, um… urr… umm… DAVE! Yeah, his name is Dave, you don’t know him. Dave said to me, ‘Are you going to take that, man?’ I tell Dave to calm down. It’s an explosive situation that could go south at any time and we need to keep our cool. These god damned pinko liberal strong arm bullies think they have us. So you know what I do? I take my mask off. I start shouting, ‘USA, USA, USA, USA. Come on, everyone… .’ They’d never heard a white middle-aged man shout that before, I bet.

 

Put Your Mask On

 

So then the little prick asks me to put my mask back on because it’s ‘policy’. Well, I’d just about had enough, so I shout. And remember, I wasn’t on my own and I totally have many, many friends and their name is Dave. I shout, ‘This is BULLSHIT’. And me and Dave walk out of there high fiving each other, because he was totally there and because I totally have friends. How many friends do you have?


More On This Story As It Breaks

ZACK SNYDER NEWS ABSENCE ANGERS ZACK SNYDER

With a recent Zack Snyder news absence, Zack Snyder has unleashed a scathing attack on the mainstream media for leaving him out of the headlines. The Zack Snyder news absence, according to Zack Snyder is an attempt by those in power to silence his ‘totally awesome artistic voice’, and prevent the public from seeing his, ‘totally bitching ass-kicking movies’. The Exec spoke with Zack Snyder earlier:

 



So you’re unhappy about the Zack Snyder news absence?

 


You’re damned straight I aint happy about the Zack Snyder news absence. Did you know I haven’t trended on Twitter for nearly two weeks? Da fuck is that about man?

 

 

Is there any Zack Snyder news? Any new announcements?

 


Who the hell do you think you are? You don’t come at me with all your questions trying to justify why Zack Snyder aint numero uno in the news. It’s the mainstream media man, they’re against old Zack. Because they can’t handle the darkness of my movies and ass-kicking, totally bitchin’ action scenes. Oh, and the rain, they can’t handle all the slo-mo rain.

 


Would you say your style has rubbed some people up the wrong way?

 


Look, the way I see it is that my style is too in their face. They all want Richard Donner’s Superman. Fuckin’ do good hippies. That’s all well and good for the 70s and 80s but this is 2021 man. Because Superman is hench, with friggin’ Vegas zombies, man. There’s undead Tigers running around chewing your face off, man.

 


So what projects do you have coming up?

 


Check this out… friggin’ Zombie Batman (Ben Affleck) is captured by the Zombie Joker (Jared Leto) who then makes him fight a Zombie Tiger. It’ll all be narrated by Gerrard Butler… who’s a zombie.

 


You’ve run out of ideas, haven’t you?

 


Just shut up and pass me the Adderall.

 


Zombie Batman Vs Zombie Tigers starts shooting later this year… perhaps.

GASPAR NOE DIRECTING ROADRUNNER: THE MOVIE

Warner Brothers surprised everyone today with Argentinian director Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner: The Movie. With Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner, audiences can expect the unexpected. The Exec caught up with the director to discuss this surprise undertaking.


Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner? How did that come about?

 


Is it a surprise? Gaspar Noe directing Roadrunner? Warners have decided they’re going to try and make darker, grittier cartoon adaptations. They figured that it worked for Nolan and Batman, so why not with Roadrunner and Bugs Bunny? And it seems like an obvious choice for me. It’s the next stage in my evolution as a visual artist.

 


But how does Gaspar Noe go from making Climax for Netflix to directing Roadrunner, a Warner Bros cartoon?

 


Well, as you know with many of my previous films, I have been fascinated with the body, all things physical, biological. The ‘sturm und strang’ of it all as one body struggles to survive against the will of another. In this case, how can the Roadrunner survive against the efforts of Mr Wile. E. Coyote and his attempts to kill the Roadrunner? It is one of the great questions.

 


Any news on casting yet?

 


I can’t possibly comment on that. But, let’s just say I have just shot footage of Vincent Cassell opening a box of ACME Rocket Powered roller-skates. Also he’s the only actor I know who can stand on the edge of a cliff as the main part of the cliff falls into a canyon below. He can then remain in mid-air long enough to pull out a white flag and wave it pitifully, before plummeting to the ground in a comedic puff of dust way below. The man is a comic genius.

Will there be any other contraptions from ACME?

 


Oh yeah, sure, sure. There’ll be the usual box of dynamite rockets, giant magnets and paint-on holes in the wall to run through, as well as some other surprises.

 

Such as?

 


I can’t tell you that! Ok, just one. As a little Easter egg for all my wonderful fans out there, I have an ACME weapon that is a little nod to a rather violent scene in Irreversible. Mr. Wile. E. Coyote will use a pneumatic fire extinguisher. Needless to say it all goes horrifically wrong for him and it is poor Vincent’s face that gets pounded into a bloody pulp in graphically disturbing detail over and over again. The kiddies will love it!

 


ROADRUNNER: THE MOVIE IS RELEASED NEXT SUMMER

ADAM DRIVER & JODIE FOSTER IN FIST FIGHT

BREAKING NEWS: Adam Driver & Jodie Foster have got this year’s Cannes Film Festival off to an explosive start when they got into a fist fight after the Annette red carpet premiere.



Adam Driver & Jodie Foster Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

In shocking scenes after the red carpet premiere of Annette, the star of the film, Adam Driver & Jodie Foster got into a fist fight. Movie legend, Jodie, was attending as she will receive an honorary award later during the glamorous festival. Insults were exchanged when Foster started trash-talking Driver about his wall punch scene in his film Marriage Story.

 

There’s Trouble-A-Brewing

Festival goers said they could see trouble was coming during the film as Driver and Foster could be seen knocking back can after can of strong Caribbean beer, Red Stripe. The cinema floor was littered with cans by the time everyone stood to give the film a standing ovation. Driver can be seen smoking cigarettes and Foster was just laughing as she tossed empty beer cans Driver’s way.

 

Foster – ‘He’s A Little Bitch’

It was at the premiere party when things really got nasty. Foster began trash-talking Driver about him punching like ‘A little bitch’ in Marriage Story and accused him of using a fake paper wall. Driver, who was slurring his words and swaying all over the place launched a foul mouthed counter-attack at Foster, claiming that she was anything but ‘The Brave One’ referring to her performance in the Neil Jordan film.

 

‘Fuck Off Back In Your Panic Room’

Things turned violent when Driver told Foster to ‘Fuck off back in your panic room and leave stardom to the professionals’. Foster punched Driver square in the face and sent him across the red carpet. She then told Driver that ‘You’ll need more than a fucking lightsaber to go toe to toe with me, bitch’. Driver lurched back at her and she grabbed him by the arm. She put him in an armlock slapped his ass and repeatedly called him a bitch. Foster pushed him onto the ground and started taunting him by asking how many Oscars he had.

 

Leave Her Adam, She Aint Worth It

Driver’s co-star in Annette, Marion Cotillard came to his defense. She stood between the fighting stars and shouted that Foster would have to go through her. At this point Foster stopped, blew Driver a kiss, laughed and walked off into the hot Cannes night.

 


Annette Goes On General Release On September 3rd Later This Year.

DORFF DENIES MCU REJECTION

HOLLYWOOD: In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Stephen Dorff denies MCU rejection after slating the upcoming Black Widow movie by Marvel.

 



Stephen, thank you for agreeing to talk with us:

 


Yeah well, everyone wants a piece of Dorff now, don’t they. I say one little thing about Marvel movies and you all come running.

 


It was quite inflammatory, in all fairness. You certainly didn’t hold back:

 


Why should I? There’s no quality in mainstream cinema anymore. Fucking Marvel. They’re a bunch of assholes. I went to them with my Blade spin-off idea and they fucking laughed at me. I wanted to do a stop motion animated kids series all about Deacon Frost. He was my character in Blade, not that anyone gives a shit. But even if they said yes, I would’ve turned them down. Assholes.

 

Would you say you’re bitter about that:

 

No. I don’t even care nor nuffin. Scarlett is a great actress but she’s wasting her time making millions upon millions and pleasing all those people with that baseless crap. She should be doing what I’m doing. Out there, on the edge. I’m on that artistic razor blade man. I’m busting a gut, day and night trying to make quality movies. Real art, ya dig?

 

Such as:

 

Um, I was in Albion: The Enchanted Stallion, Space Truckers umm… oh yeah, and I was in True Detective.

 

Yeah, but not the good season with Woody and Matthew:

 

Aw, why’d you have say that. Ya couldn’t just let me have that, could you. You’re all the fucking same. I wasn’t in that second season. That was a real piece of shit, whereas my season was a little better than just shit. It was mediocre. That’s ok isn’t it? Mediocre is a pass. C-grade average kinda stuff. I’m sorry, I’m not crying, I just have some dust in my eyes.

 

Steven Dorff denies MCU rejection and will soon be starring in a straight to budget streaming service with his next project.

BRUCE WILLIS QUANTITY IS QUALITY

HOLLYWOOD – Bruce Willis Quantity is quality. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Bruce Willis tells us that quantity is quality and he is trying to make as many films as possible before the end of the tax year.


Thank you for joining us Bruce Willis. Let’s dive straight in. Is quantity quality?

Are you filming this? If you are, could I have the footage please? I could use it in this week’s film, ‘Death Kill Fire Guns’. After all, quantity is quality.

That’s quite the title. What is it about?

How the fuck should I know? I turn up for a promo shoot and try to not look too bored. That’s the tough bit. I then send the producers some footage of me saying generic lines like, ‘Watch out!’, ‘Get down!’ or ‘It’s gonna blow! RUN!’. I think they get a stand-in to do my other lines. They shoot it from over my shoulder, so no-one can tell it aint me. Then I wait for the cash to come rolling in.

What about your artistic integrity?

Pa-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Hang on, let me catch my breath. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. You’re a funny guy. Not many people can make me laugh. Believe me. The last time I genuinely laughed was when I was working with Terry Gilliam on Twelve Monkeys. How long ago was that? A couple of years ago, right?

That was nearly 30 years ago.

You don’t say? Shit. That fucking Ferris Bueller was right. Life does kinda pass you by. You know, I was in Die Hard. I did a couple of the sequels also.

You made 4 sequels.

I did? Well, whaddayaknow. Anywho. When is this film coming out? When do I get paid? I got a tax bill to pay, ya know. I’m Nic Cage-ing it. Know what I mean?

A new Bruce Willis film will release online every week or so.

INDIANA JONES 5 TITLE REVEALED

BREAKING NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal the name of the Indiana Jones 5 title. 

The Indiana Jones 5 title, in light of recent events, has been changed. The Indiana Jones 5 title will be ‘Injuryana Jones And The Curse Of The Brittle Shoulder’.

Throw Me The Idol, I Give You The Aspirin

After reports broke (pun intended) that Harrison Ford has yet again injured himself while rehearsing a fight scene on the set of the latest Indy film, James Mangold decided to change the name of the film. The Exec caught up with writer / director Mangold who had this to say.

Indiana Jones And The Faulty Hearing Aid

“We were rehearsing a fight scene and I said to Harrison, ‘Ok, let’s try it from there.’ Meaning to try it from that part of the scene. Harrison’s hearing aint what it used to be, bless him. He thought I said ‘Ok, dive off of that chair.’ So the crazy bastard stood on a chain and threw himself off. He landed in a heap and that was that.”

Indiana Jones And The Hasty Rewrites

“He wanted to fly himself to the hospital and just kept saying ‘Trust me.’ But I wasn’t falling for that shit. We carted him away and I got to rewriting the film. It now takes place in a Sports Injury Clinic. That way, when he injures himself again (let’s face it) we can whisk him off to ultra-sound treatment, lickety-splick.

Indy / Unbreakable Crossover

Mangold went on to say, “We’ve been in touch M Night Shyamalan’s people about the possibility of doing an Indiana Jones and Mr Glass crossover film or TV series for Netflix. It’ll just be hours of them pointing at each other shouting ‘CAREFUL NOW’ and ‘MIND THAT CORNER’. It’ll be wild.”

 

More on this as it / he breaks.

KEVIN JAMES MOVIE CAREER DECLARED ILLEGAL

BREAKING NEWS – Kevin James movie career is declared illegal.

In a shock bill that has been passed by the federal government with no resistance from Democrats or Republicans, POTUS has signed the bill that now makes the Kevin James movie career illegal.


Ask Not What Comedy Can Do For You


The federal law that has been passed will hunt down and prosecute any company or individuals who attempt to write, produce, finance or perform in any comedy that stars Kevin James. The crime is punishable by a maximum sentence of 20 years that can be imposed. President Biden is quoted as saying, ‘Jill and I sat down to watch TV the other night and we caught the first 20 minutes of Paul Blart Mall Cop, and poor Jill hasn’t stopped vomiting since. It’s truly awful stuff. I vowed to unite the country and dag-nabbit, this is the one thing we can all get behind.’

 

But What You Can Do For Comedy

 

Local state laws have also been passed nationwide whereby the viewing of any Kevin James movie will be a misdemeanor offence with harsher corporate fiscal penalties for stations and companies broadcasting or distributing the outlawed back catalogue.

 

Sorry As Shit


Kevin James appeared on nationwide TV, under house arrest to read a brief statement of contrition. ‘I want to take this opportunity to apologize for my films. I can see now what upset and harm they have caused to so many people. This will make me become a better person. I will re-educate myself on what decent people actually find funny.’

 

At that point he fell over into a paddling pool full of whipped cream. He then slipped several times whilst trying to stand up. Then, with a familiar glazed expression staring into camera, farted. He was then restrained by several federal agents. He was taken away under armed guard to an undisclosed location where he will face trial.

 

More on this story as it breaks.

EXEC FILM JOURNALISM CONFERENCE ‘LISTICLE 2021’ ANNOUNCED

We are proud to announce The Studio Exec Film Journalism Conference ‘LISTICLE 2021’. It will take place at The Hotel Bel-Air, CA in September. So don’t hesitate. Book your ticket to The Studio Exec Film Journalism Conference now!


Exec Film Journalism Conference

The LISTICLE 2021 Conference Mission Statement: Journalists, Commissioning Editors, Publishers and Ostracized Outsiders will gather to meet in one place (bar). Delegates will discuss the latest issues and trends in global film journalism. Please note Twitter shit storms are NOT mandatory, but encouraged.

Film Journalism Conference Hot Topics

Topics to be discussed in daily Filmpoziums™ will range from:

– ‘CLICKBAIT – Saying It All With The Headline’
– ‘IGNORANCE IS LIST – The Top 10 Lists To Publish’
– ‘THE DOGHOUSE – Who We Cancelled This Year And How’
– ‘SWEATY KEYBOARDS – Can I Get Quality Cocaine On The Dark Web?’
– ‘HOT TAKES – How To Write The Perfect Inflammatory Piece’
– ‘HAPPY ANNIVERSARY – Why You Should Take A Giant Shit On Everyone’s Favorite Movie’

Key Speakers


The Exec’s diverse white male journalists have accrued over 175 years of experience. They will secrete their experience and lecture on a range of fascinating subjects:

Chad Sternberger – Don’t Know Stalker? You Don’t Know Shit
Lenny Delowitz – Epstein And My Role In His Downfall
Miles Cravat – I Made Better Life Choices Than Michael Bay

Tickets start at a daily rate of $1,500 for the Bronze Package. Ask about our special discount 3 Day Bronze Package for $5,250. Please ask for Babs.

Please note tickets are non-refundable. Venue, content and personnel are subject to change. Cancellation and/or administrative disappearance is likely. In the likely event of loss, damage, injury or on-line abuse The Studio Exec(TM) will accept no civil, legal or financial liabilities. 

MARVEL BUY UP BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel buy up Batman and the rights to the DCU super detective in a shocking legal development.

The decision came from Warner Brothers in a bid to recoup losses on the recent financial disaster, The Justice League and then spunking $80million more on the 4 hour bum-numbathon, Snyder Cut. This prompted the move from Warner that meant Marvel buy up Batman. Kevin Feige confirmed the move in an exclusive interview he gave The Studio Exec Bungalow HQ.

Kevin, thanks for coming to the bungalow:

My pleasure man, you guys sure got a sweet set up here. I never knew the bungalow had a secret cave with a fireman’s pole. Sweet. But no worries, I can keep a secret.

Anyway, can you tell us about the property you have purchased?

Fricken right I can. We just bought Batman from those stupid, emo mother fuckers DC Warner. Their books have really hit the shit-can lately. They splurged a load of money on The Justice League and that Snyder Cut and they got fuck all return on it. Warners had to make some green pretty quick, and not the kind that carries a lantern, know what I mean. They sure as shit weren’t going to make any from their movies so they sold Bruce Wayne to us. Holy kerching Batman!

Wow. That’s quite a shock.

With Stark dead, we needed another narcissist billionaire and he seems like a good fit. We’ll need to get some colour on the guy, that’s for sure. We’re thinking of going with bright yellow and green.

A bright yellow Batman?

You betcha, and we’ll stop all his moping around about his parents. None of that Martha shit in the MCU. He’s going to be more like a super-rich cool surfer dude. Think Richard Branson in bright yellow spandex who fights crime, but isn’t a posh sounding, self-publicising bell-end of course.

How will Batman fit into the MCU?

We see him as a sidekick to Antman and The Wasp. Put the funny guys together. Maybe some homo-erotic subtext, we want to remain true to Batman after-all. It could be quite a groovy love triangle with Ant Man, The Wasp and Batman. We’re thinking of new villains like The Ant-Eater, The Hedgehog and The Wind Farmer.

The Wind Farmer? Why?

Wind farms really fuck with bats at night, it’s terrible. I saw a YouTube video all about it. Fucking heartbreaking when you think about it. Those poor little bats.

The big question is who will play the Marvel Batman?

Jim Parsons. He’s tall, dark and no longer tied up with The Big Bang Theory. He’d be perfect. He has that simmering strength, and he has the gravitas to deliver those immortal words, ‘I’m Batman, EXCELSIOR!’

More on this story as we get it.

CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT RETURNS FOR MORTAL KOMBAT

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Lambert returns to the Mortal Kombat franchise.

Christopher Lambert announced he was returning to the character of Lord Raiden for the new Mortal Kombat film. He spoke with SE about the upcoming American martial arts fantasy action film directed by Simon McQuoid.

I fucking love doing these films. I had such a great time on the first. Hopefully this time I’ll get a chance to do a bit more fighting. Fucking amazing stuff.

The film of the video game franchise of the same name created by Ed Boon and John Tobias will serve as a reboot to the Mortal Kombat film series. It also stars Lewis Tan, Jessica McNamee, Josh Lawson, Tadanobu Asano, Mehcad Brooks, Ludi Lin, Chin Han, Joe Taslim, and Hiroyuki Sanada.

Lambert – who insists on being called Connor McCloud – could not contain his excitement.

I could shit through the eye of a needle, I’m so happy. This is my year. I’m on the way back. The only thing I don’t like is the fact that they spell it with a K. That’s just bullshit. It should be Mortal Combat. With a C. What is it? This is some sort of outerspacey thing. They have all the other letters in the alphabet but not a C? Come on, guys. Mortal Combat! There can be only one. Argggh!

What’s the matter Connor?

It’s the Quickening!

Mortal Kombat is scheduled to be released on April 23, 2021, simultaneously in theaters and on the HBO Max streaming service.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO HUNTING RESERVE OPENS

HOLLYWOOD – The Leonard DiCaprio Hunting Reserve opens in the Galapagos Islands, amid outcry from conservationists.

At a cost of $500million the Leonardo DiCaprio Hunting Reserve will be a playground for the rich and famous to come and fill their blood lust, rather than taking it out on PAs and the homeless in dark alleys. The Studio Exec caught up with the star at the Leonardo DiCaprio Hunting Reserve grand opening.

Leonardo, what gave you the idea for this venture?

I love animals and nature and all that kind of shit. So I thought it would be a good idea if I could exploit that to make a shit-ton of money before it all sinks into the ever-rising oceans.

Aren’t the islands a World Heritage site?

Those clowns are even more corrupt than I am. I got dirt on all of them. Photos that would make your shit turn white, know what I mean?

Are you afraid you’ll be shunned by the Hollywood eco-friendly community?

Pah-hahahahahahah, good one man! Let me tell you something, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Jennifer Lawrence and Kristen Stewart love nothing more than emptying an AR-15 magazine into the brains of a few ‘endangered species’. Whatever endangered species means.

How much will it cost to visit?

A standard room for a week, bring your own guns and ammo will set you back 500 hundred large. You want cannons and ammos thrown in, no problem. I gotta guy but it’ll cost you a cool mill. Tips not included. You want a room?

You’re profiting off the deaths of innocent creatures, you sick fuck.

Thank you very much. That’s kind of you to say. Let me introduce you to my associates, Rocco and Knuckles.

Ok, thanks. Bye.

PAULY SHORE QUITS AFI CHAIR

HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking development at The American Film Institute, Pauly Shore quits the AFI chair.

The news comes just 12 months into his chairmanship as Pauly Shore quits the AFI chair amid a storm of corruption and bribery rumours surrounding the institute. Shore first shot to fame as a cultural icon when his art house eco-meditative film, Bio-Dome became an underground success. The Studio Exec caught up with the actor at our bungalow HQ.

Pauly, thanks for agreeing to speak with us.

Don’t sweat it, bro. I’m just glad I can put this whole thing behind me now and start living my life. I want to sleep at nights without a gun under my pillow, ya dig?

So just what happened at the AFI to make you quit:

Wait one second while I check the windows… OK. I hope you realise I’m risking my neck just speaking to you. If they knew I was doing this *draws finger across his neck*.

You’re safe Pauly. This is The Studio Exec.

And that’s the only reason I’m talking, y’see. You guys have the muscle, the clout, the chutzpah to pull this off. The AFI, they’re not what everyone thinks they are. They’re dangerous man. They got everyone by cojones. Clooney, Pitt, Scorsese, Paltrow, Spielberg and even Streep. All by the cojones. They have dirt on them all. Those faceless shadows at the AFI. They’re bad motherfuckers, I tell ya.

What have they done?

It’s what they could do. That’s how they get you. They own the studios, the financiers, the multiplexes, everything. The manufacturing, the product, the distribution network. They got it all. If you play ball with them, they can make you rich and powerful. If not, they’ll take you down, take you down to Chinatown baby.

How do they exert so much power?

It’s a protection racket. You make your indie film and you take it to Sundance to get a distribution deal. You’re the talk of the town, everyone loves you. They fill your ears with love and compliments, make sure you meet the right people. You walk a red carpet with Quentin. One day you’re Kevin Smith’s Clerks, the next you’re Kevin Smith’s Cop Out and even Matt Damon refuses to take your calls anymore. You’re fucked.

Jesus.

You said it man. If a film gets inducted into the AFI, that’s them basically saying, ‘That’s a nice film. Shame if something were to happen to it. Does it put out fires?’ They got you. One day, you’re riding high with Bio-Dome, the next minute you’re making films with Adam Sandler and Kevin James. Talk about a big shit sandwich and everyone takes a bite.

What happened to you?

They made me chair thinking they had a patsy. But then I started asking too many questions like ‘How did Aronofsky’s Noah get that budget?’, ‘Why does Charlie Kaufman still make movies?’ and ‘Who let Coppola release shitty director’s cuts?’ They don’t like it when you ask questions. I know where the bodies are buried man.

What about Cruise and Scientology?

No way man. Everyone THINKS they’re the Hollywood mafia, but they’re a front. Look at it like this Cruise and Scientology are Quantum and the AFI are SPECTRE. Cruise and his headline grabbing space hoppers are what you get if you don’t own the rights to SPECTRE. The AFI are in the shadows, pulling the strings. They’re the author of all your misfortunes… and that fucking awful Mummy film Cruise was in.

So who runs the AFI?

Oh man, why don’t you fuckin’ stop it? Shit, this is too fuckin’ big for you, you know that? Who runs the AFI, who financed Noah. Fuck man! It’s a mystery. It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. The fuckin’ shooters don’t even know! Don’t you get it?

We can protect you Pauly, come in. Go state’s evidence.

Aw man, you guys. I gotta go. I said too much. This scene’s getting dangerous man, I gotta split. Stay safe. Check under your car. Get off the grid man. They’re here, they’re here!

And like that, he was gone.

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY FREDDIE’S REVENGE BEGINS SHOOTING

HOLLYWOOD – Bohemian Rhapsody Freddie’s Revenge begins shooting at Pinewood Studios today.

The highly anticipated sequel to the Oscar winning rock biopic will star Robert Englund as Freddie Mercury as Bohemian Rhapsody Freddie’s Revenge begins shooting.

The sequel, which has not been sanctioned by any of the band members apart from John Deacon, (you know, the boring one who played bass) and will star Robert Englund as Freddie Mercury. Englund first gained fame by playing another Freddie in the A Nightmare On Elm Street franchise. The Exec caught up with Robert as he prepped for the role:

What Made You Want To Play The Iconic Singer, Freddie Mercury?

I won’t be playing him as a singer. In our movie Freddie will be a murderous maniac, scarred by the terrible first film and will haunt the dreams of Roger Taylor and Brian May as revenge for that fucking awful movie. I’ll dress up in various skin tight onesies, chasing Roger and Brian around their dreams. I can just do my old Freddie Krueger shtick, but with a camp British accent. Stuff like ‘Ooh, look at my hammer to fall, bitch.’ Or ‘Ooh, who want’s to live forever? You can’t, bitch.’ And ‘Ooh, I’m a killer Queen, bitch.’ That’s comedy gold, right there.

Isn’t That A Little Far-Fetched?

You have seen the first film, haven’t you? It’s no more far-fetched that that pile of dog shit. Only, in this film, my microphone stand will be a sword. In one dream sequence, Freddie will chase Brian around dressed in a skin tight Badger onesie and bite him on his broken asshole and call him bitch all the time, of course.

Do You Think Queen Fans Will Go Along With This?

Look, if they’re happy to pay through the ass to see that Ben Elton bullshit We Will Rock You over and over again, who knows? The way I see it, Queen fans love a bit of camp. What’s more camp than me running about in a black leather cap, neck collar and trousers, chasing Roger Taylor dressed as a school girl. Fuck it, we’ll do it to the Benny Hill theme tune also. That’ll keep the Americans happy, they love all that shit.

Who Is Directing The Movie?

Russell Mulcahy. He ain’t doing much lately. You play the first 8 bars It’s A Kind Of Magic and he comes running. Sucker. It’s tragic, really.

Are You Concerned About The Reaction From Roger And Brian?

No way man. You make enough money for them, they’ll put their names onto any old shit. At the risk of repeating myself, have you seen Bohemian Rhapsody? How the fuck did that win an Oscar?

Bohemian Rhapsody II: Freddie’s Revenge is currently filming.