JAMES BOND SPINOFF MOVIE ANNOUNCED

BREAKING NEWS – Ending months of speculation, EON productions and Barbara Broccoli have confirmed a James Bond spinoff movie is set to go into production shortly. The James Bond spinoff movie will tell the story of ‘The Bottle Man’, the guy who witnesses various crazy James Bond stunts around the world in several Bond films. The Exec caught up with Barbara Broccoli to find out more on this surprising project.

Barbara, Why Did You Choose The Bottle Man As Your First Bond Spinoff?

We knew everyone would be expecting us to go with a female double-0 kinda vibe. So we thought it would be cool to go in a direction nobody would be expecting. There’s a whole raft of female led action movies out there now, with Black Widow, Atomic Blonde and the upcoming Furiosa thing. Therefore the market’s flooded. We thought let’s expand the JBU (James Bond Universe) in terms of genre. That’s when we came up with the idea of going with a character driven, arthouse picture. The Bottle Man is the perfect choice to explore what drives men to drink and become toxic assholes. No one’s done that before.

Can You Explain Who The Bottle Man Is?

He was a guy who briefly appeared double-taking when Bond emerges from the sea in his Lotus on The Spy Who Loved Me. He then did the same when Bond is in that fucking motorized Gondola during Moonraker. He also turns up during the ski and bike chase in For Your Eyes Only. This is a guy who spends his time on some pretty expensive holidays, but he’s always drinking. We wanted to explore what drives him to drink.

How Do You Intend To Do That?

We’re going to tell his stories leading up to and including those encounters. It’ll be a trilogy, one encounter for each movie. It’s like our version of Kieslowski’s Trois Couleurs Trilogy. Think Bond meets Bukowski and you can’t go far wrong.

Who Is Playing The Bottle Man?

Jean Dujardin. We figured he owes us after making a killing on those fucking OSS-117 movies. We couldn’t even Kevin McLory his ass in court. So we figured, if you can’t beat them, give them a shit ton of dough to do your own stuff. That fucker took the bait. No more OSS, that’s for sure.

The Bottle Man Part 1 Starts Filming In The New Year

GEORGE CLOONEY TO PLAY DEL BOY IN ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – George Clooney cast as Del Boy in Hollywood version of Only Fools and Horses.

The news rocked the film world today that George Clooney is to star in the Hollywood version of the classic BBC comedy Only Fools and Horses. A remake has been in the works for years but many thought it would never see the light of day after Warner Bros cancelled Ridley Scott’s five hour version. Mr Nespresso – as he prefers to be known – talked exclusively with the Studio Exec:

The thing is that in England you want to play Hamlet. Every actor does. Because that’s the role. That’s the role where you prove how good you are. Del Boy is exactly that kind of role. To be honest we used to watch Only Fools and Horses when we on set shooting ER and I would always say: Christ, if only… Me and Anthony Edwards would memorizes whole routines. And we’d just go. So this is a dream come true for me.

George Clooney is also taking the director’s chair hoping that this time he’ll win back some of the credibility he lost with Midnight Sky, and Monuments Men, and Leatherheads. The original series starred David Jason as the London conman and wide boy who makes his money with a thousand dodgy schemes, helped by his hapless younger brother Rodney.

Clooney was all over the casting like a rash.

Casting Rodney is the most important thing. Yes, Del Boy is the star, but without a Rodney to match him. What Nicholas Lyndhurst did with that role…! I mean, we all love Goodnight Sweetheart, but compared to Rodney it was like a puddle of sick versus a chicken korma. Luckily Brad Pitt loved the script.

Only Fools and Horses The Motion Picture hits screens in 2022.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS TAXIDERMIA REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – A Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia remake has been greenlit by Dreamworks and Universal. The 2006 Hungarian surreal, multi-generational horror / comedy will receive a dramatic makeover. It will be shot in the style of The Polar Express, using motion capture and CGI animation. The Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia remake begins shooting this January.

Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia Remake To Star Guess Who? 

Tom Hanks will star as Brick Bateman, a shy and socially outcast Taxidermist, who looks after his severely obese and embittered father. The film will tell the story of three different generations of men from the Bateman bloodline.

Motion Captcha Coming Right Atcha

Zemeckis will return to using motion capture suits and fully realized CGI environments such as the ones used in his 2004 Christmas hit, The Polar Express. Andy Serkis will don the mo-cap suit to play Mick ‘Guzzler’ Bateman, Hanks’s father in the film. Javier Bardem completes the triumvirate of leading men. He plays Cleetus Bateman, Brick’s amorously challenged grandfather. The Exec caught up with Zemeckis to discuss this unusual choice of project.

Robert, What Made You Choose Taxidermia For Your Next Project?

I remember seeing it and thinking that it was a real sweet tale about love, sporting triumph and family values.

Are You Sure We’re Thinking Of The Same Film?

You betcha. What could be cuter than innocent love in a barn, overcoming adversity to reach the top of your sport and looking after your dear old Pappy?

Don’t You Think It’s A Film About The Darker Sides Of Lust, Greed And Our Own Self-Destructive Natures?

Nope. I think it’s a neat film about caring for animals even after they’ve died. That what Tom likes about it also. We’re going for the family market, so we toned the nudity down a little. But only a little. And by going full CGI, we can really draw the kids into the story. We’re hoping for another Christmas classic. Something the whole family can sit down in front of after a nice, big Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner. Lovely stuff.

The Robert Zemickis Taxidermia Remake Begins Shooting This January

VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

ANYA TAYLOR JOY FARTED AT VENICE

‘BREAKING’ NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal how Anya Taylor Joy farted while attending the Venice Film Festival red carpet events. It happened at the build up to the premiere of her new film, directed by Edgar Wright, Last Night In Soho. Anya Taylor Joy farted as co-star Matt Smith walked the red carpet with her.


Anya Taylor Joy Farted – Not Living Deliciously

The star could be heard pumping out the farts through her bright pink Dior designed dress as she strode up the red carpet. Paparazzi were kept well back from the star, which was a good thing. Matt Smith who co-starred with Anya in Last Night In Soho, could be seen mouthing the words ‘Jesus fucking Christ! Who dropped their guts? Anya?’ as he greeted her at the glitzy event. The ex-Dr Who actor was seen gagging repeatedly, as he walked beside the flatulent star.

Where’s The Shitter?

The two met up with the Shaun Of The Dead director, Edgar Wright who could be seen holding his nose. Initially, he pointed at Matt Smith, who shook his head in disgust and pointed at his glamorous co-star. She looked at Edgar and said with no shame, ‘Yeah, that was me, Eddie my boy. I can’t help it. I was drinking Guinness last night and then went for a curry. My guts are playing havoc with me today and I’ve had the squirts four times already. Where’s the shitter? Because I gotta to go again.’

Funyuns And Chess

Throughout the entire film Anya sat at the back of the theatre. She ate Funyuns, only stopping occasionally to raise a leg and force a trump. Then she shouted out chess moves at the end of each loud and noxious fart. ‘Knight takes Pawn. Hooray! And ‘I’m Castling my Kasparov!’ The film ended and the polite audience rose to its feet to applaud. She swaggered menacingly down the aisle, throwing Funyuns like confetti as she went.

French Flatulist Film

Anya announced at the Q&A afterwards her next role will be in an all-female biopic. The story of the French Flatulist, Joseph Pujol, better known as Le Petomane, who rose to fame as a professional farter. She is being coached by Daniel Day-Lewis, who is also a keen flatulist. It will be called Gaslighting.

Last Night In Soho Is Released In Cinemas In October

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WARNER BROS UNCOUPLE

MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?

Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?

That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].

Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.

Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?

I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.

And What About You With HBO Max?

Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.

Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.

Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].

Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.

BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET NEW HAIRCUT SHOCK

The Timothee Chalamet new haircut has shocked people all around the world. The heartthrob movie star who will next be seen in sci-fi epic, Dune has had a ‘slight trim’ according to reports. The Timothee Chalamet new haircut is due to be officially unveiled at the Dune premiere.

A Timothee Chalamet New Haircut? What A Time To Be Alive!

As the heartthrob actor queued up outside his local barber shop in Manhattan, New York, interest began to mount. The actor entered the barbers and sat down in a chair, eyewitnesses have reported. He then had a cover all wrapped around him, just like a normal person. The Exec spoke with Tony Goode, owner of A Cut Above The Rest barbers, where Chalamet had his haircut.

His Hair Is Almost Just Like Ours, But More Famous

“He asked for a little off the top and a number 5 around the backs and sides.” Said Tony. “His hair smelled incredible. It was like smelling heaven or something.” By this point, crowds had begun to gather and live streams of the haircut were beaming themselves around the world. “His hair felt like normal hair, which is weird. It’s almost like ours, but more famous, Because of this, my hands were a little shaky. I had to take a minute to gather myself. And then, I began to cut.”

Like Black Strands Of Utopia

“I started by just gently snipping the ends off the top. They were already perfect. I felt like I was cutting perfection. Like drawing over the Mona Lisa. It was then he smiled at me in the mirror. I stopped cutting as his gaze warmed me. And then. Sorry, I’m getting a bit emotional. And then, he said to ‘It’s ok, you can do this. It’s what you’ve trained for all your life.’”

Right Through Me

“His power went right through me. I then started to cut and snip like a man possessed. Everything was beautiful blur. And before I knew it, I’d given him a trim on top and a number 5 around the backs and sides. I tapered the back of his milky neck. It was done. And like that, he was gone.” People now pay to just come into my shop. They just want to stand there, in the same space as he once was. It’s magical. I also now charge $800 for The Chalamet, as I call it.”

Dune opens in theatres later this year.

KRISTEN STEWART SUES CHARLES FOR ALIMONY

Breaking News – Kristen Stewart sues Charles for alimony after claiming she had ‘weird, spiritual feelings’ playing Princess Diana in her new film, Spencer. With years of backdated child support owing, which could cost the Windsors millions of pounds, Kristen Stewart sues Charles. The Exec caught up with the actress to discuss the impending court case.

Kristen, Can you Tell Us Why-

Look here, what-what-what. You shall address one by one’s correct title. That is ‘Your Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts’. What-what-what.

Okay, If You Insist, Your Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts.

That’s much better, what-what-what. It occurred to one while shooting one’s biopic, Spencer, that one’s ex, that is Prince Charles, owes me alimony. He’s never paid me a penny in child support.

I Don’t Like To Say This, But You’re Not Diana Spencer. She’s Been Dead For Years. You’re Kristen Stewart. A wonderful actress. But An Actress Nonetheless. Not Princess Diana.

Awf with his head! One has never been so insulted.

She Never Said Off With His Head – That’s The Queen Of Hearts in Alice In Wonderland.

How dare you sir. I am – That is – One is beloved the world round. Charities queue up out of the door for my patronage. I make them millions of pounds. One tried to deal with this amicably, but Prince Charles wouldn’t take my agent’s calls. The way one sees it, one is spiritually channeling Diana. Because one is the embodiment of all that she stood for. Charity, motherhood, ummm… opening hospitals and that. So, one is owed plenty dollar. We were not amused.

That was Queen Victoria

Let me state the position. Ladies first, yes?

 

Queen Latifah

I want to break free from your lies?

 

Freddie Mercury From Queen

Oh FUCK YOU!

There we go.

Buckingham Palace Were Not Available For Comment. Spencer Is Out In Cinemas On November 5th.

THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS PLOT LEAKS

MOVIE NEWS – With the release of the first trailer for Lana Wachowski’s 4th Matrix film comes the inevitable, as The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks online. Hackers have gained access to Warner Bros final shooting script and the details are staggering. The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks will turn not only your rabbit, but also your shit white.

The Matrix Resurrections Plot Leaks Feel Weirdly Familiar

The Exec has read the script. And even after reading it, this is all we could figure out. We join Neo in a new reality where he is now known as John Wick. For years he has been an international super assassin with a soft spot for dogs. But now he’s in retirement… and therapy with Dr. Doogie Howser. Mirrors are now portals our hero can walk through. So there’s that.

Oh Jeez, Don’t Even Trip Dawg

Talking of portals, a strange Doctor with a weird child sidekick arrives through a green portal, claiming to be the smartest being in the Universe, but he disappears halfway through for an annoying mid-season break. So we’re back with Neo-sorry- John Wick (it’s confusing when they have the same hair). And he bumps into Trinity, although she isn’t and doesn’t recognize him. And he isn’t, and doesn’t either. So that’s all clear.

Crash, Bang, Zoom

And then shit starts exploding and there’s punching and kicking in bullet time. And The Matrix is now the hotel for assassins run by Lovejoy from Deadwood. There’s a really important Macguffin in one of the rooms. It’s really mysterious and wrapped up in pseudo-eastern philosophy. It’s like Sun Tzu rewriting Cloud Atlas filtered through Ayn Rand. This stuff is so convoluted, they had to get that friggin’ douche, The Architect back just to explain this stuff to justify blowing up a helicopter. We don’t care, just blow the fucking helicopter up. But don’t panic. Neo still says ‘Woah’ at least once every reel. And he still knows Kung Fu.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Released In December, And We Can’t Wait

CRONENBERG V CRONENBERG DEATHMATCH ON HBO MAX

MOVIE NEWS – A live televised Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will air on HBO Max this coming Fall. The father and son directors get all Oedipal as they decide once and for all which one wears the crown. The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will stream live on HBO Max in the USA. Amazon Prime will live stream the fight in all other territories.

Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch : The Background

Senior Cronenberg David, had moved away from his staple diet of body horror based movies in recent years. The Canadian auteur had recently made a slew of critically acclaimed films dealing with hard hitting topics outside of the horror genre. With films such as A History Of Violence, Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method, he explored the darker side of human nature while staying away from his horror roots. He also explored Viggo Mortensen with his old fella out a fair amount.

Long Live The New Flesh

But that all changed when David’s son, Brandon scored a critical success with his film Viral. The film dealt with issues such as celebrity culture and corporate conspiracies. It used the old family tradition of body horror to do so with great effect. Suddenly David was not the only celebrated film maker at the Cronenberg table. It wasn’t just him boring everyone shitless at Christmas about ‘body horror this’ or ‘existential paranoia that’. There was a new voice at the other end of the table, beyond the cranberry sauce and Brussel sprouts. A younger voice saying ‘celebrity virus this’, and ‘intrusive technology’ that. The times were indeed a changin’.

I’m Getting Better

David took the challenge to his crown well at first. Publicly, at least. But with the release of last year’s Possessor, Brandon came of Cronenberg age. And his father’s ego did not take well to this young upstart stealing the plaudits. Comments were made in various interviews by both parties and things soon spiraled out of control. It was obvious there was only one way to solve this.

Like Flies Around Shit

As soon as it became clear a Deathmatch was the only way to resolve the family feud, HBO came knocking. They offered to fund and televise the Cronenberg Deathmatch. The winner (and survivor) will be heralded as the head of the Cronenberg film family. The loser will spend their time dragging around whatever bits of metal and machinery they become fused with during the fight. They will question their existence, their place in the world and if there ever really was a physical world before the fusion of flesh and machine. They’ll also receive a runners up medal and HBO gift bag.

The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch Airs On HBO Max and Amazon Prime This Fall.

WESLEY SNIPES ACCOUNTANCY SCHOOL OPENS

HOLLYWOOD – With campuses in The Cayman Islands, Geneva and Tijuana, The Wesley Snipes Accountancy School is opening for business. The Wesley Snipes Accountancy School will give qualifications in Basic Accounting, Lumpy Carpet Care and Book Cooking. The Exec sat down with Wesley to discuss his latest business venture.

Wesley, Thank You For Agreeing To Talk With Us

No problem, my pleasure. Tell me. Are these chairs real leather?

Um, I Believe So.

Woah. They must have cost a pretty wedge of green, that’s for sure. You know they’re tax deductible, right? Let me take them off your hands for say $50 a piece on credit. I could double your money in two weeks. You see, I gotta guy. He’d give you top dollar for them.

That’s OK, But Thank You Anyway.

Are these carpet tiles stuck down? I don’t think they are y’know. Here, give me a hand pulling this one up. There, I knew it. What did I tell ya? They aren’t stuck down. They got some give in them. I reckon we could get quite a lot stashed under these carpet tiles.

Would You Like To Tell Us About Your School?

Huh? Oh Yeah, sure thing. I’m opening up these schools all around the world. These assets are all registered outside of the good ol’ US of A so the fucking IRS can’t touch them. Smart eh? You bet I am. Fool me once, fool me twice, just don’t go fuckin’ fooling me, ok?

What Are You Teaching In Your Schools?

How to bend those bastards at the IRS right over and give it to them good. Wide end first, know what I mean? Look, it was me that was in Blade, Demolition Man, Drop Zone. All that shit. The fucking IRS weren’t in none of them. Why should they get my money? Anyway, I figured I’d open these schools to teach people the wrinkles, the ways to get around things. You see what I’m getting at?

 

Tax Evasion

Evasion, avoidance. Potato, tomato toe-ma-to. Who cares what you call it. The real sweet thing is that all the fees are charged outside the USA so they don’t get shit. Anyway, your time’s up. That’ll be $1500 please.

We Don’t Pay For Interviews

Why, you piece of shit. You’re as bad as the IRS. I’m outta here dude.

 

The Wesley Snipes Accountancy School Opens Later This Month

A CINEMATIC RUNNING GUIDE

The Exec is proud to present A Cinematic Running Guide. We break down all the elements required to make sure the running in your film is up to speed. A Cinematic Running Guide is presented in proud association with NIKE. NIKE, just fucking do it already.

A Cinematic Running Guide, Nay A History

Since the burgeoning cinema at the start of the 20th Century, film makers have captured running in all its forms. From Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin to Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, men, women and children have run on screen. Sometimes towards the camera, sometimes away and sometimes they even ran across the shot. Cinema audiences around the world have been thrilled in whichever direction people could run in films.

And ACTION!

With the introduction of sound, running in movies became an even more immersive experience. Hollywood film makers such as Hitchcock used it to great effect in action sequences. Take North By Northwest, Hitchcock uses running towards camera AND away from a fucking plane to create an iconic scene. Without running, this scene would have been dog shit.

It’s All About The Running

Take Tony Richardson’s run-fest, The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner. It came just three years after North By Northwest, but already running is in the title and features heavily as a plot device and arty-farty metaphor. Ok Tony, you went to Oxford, we get it already, jeez!

But Where’s The Chariot?

Fast forward to the early 80s and running is now the entire narrative in Hugh Hudson’s Oscar winning Chariots Of Fire. But audiences were left confused because there were no chariots to be seen anywhere. What’s wrong with these crazy Brits?

Blockbuster Running

With boxing underdog movie Rocky, Sylvester Stallone took running to new, heroic heights. Sly continued to fly the flag for heroic running (mainly toward camera but away from the exploding whatever) in films as diverse as First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II and the inexplicably titled Rambo III. There was no Rambo II. What the fuck Sly?

Nice Try Arnie

Other blockbuster action stars tried to get in on the running, but with less success. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried with a bit of running in Conan The Barbarian. But this was mainly across the shot, which was proven to be the least effective. He even tried using running in one of his titles, The Running Man. But all anyone remembers about that film is how piss poor Mic Fleetwood was in it. I’ll be back? Nah, you’re ok man. Stay where you are.

The Running King

And now we come to the undisputed king of running in movies: Tom Cruise. Cruise tried his hand at ‘acting’ in films such as The Color Of Money, Rain Man and Born On The Fourth Of July. But he found his little running feet in The Firm. Here, Cruise discovered he could thrill audiences the world over just by sprinting towards the camera and away from scary, cuddly uncle Wilford Brimley. But he really got up to pace three years later with Brian De Palma’s Mission Impossible. The legendary scene where Tom leaps away from exploding chewing gum on a fish tank is an all time running classic. The invention and the daring to not only run toward the camera and away from the water, but in slow-mo and then under the camera is ground-breaking. I mean… shit the bed shivers up my spine.

Running The Show

Since then, Cruise has gone from strength to strength. He can run on sand, on roads, rooves, through windows and even under water. He continues to thrill and astound audiences with his running. Hardly anyone has noticed he really can’t act. And he owes it all to running. Go figure.

VAN SANT EXORCIST REMAKE IN B&W GREENLIT

GREENLIT – A Gus Van Sant Exorcist remake in black and white has been greenlit. Following the runaway success of the director’s Psycho remake, the Van Sant Exorcist remake is to be a black and white, shot for shot version. The Exec caught up with the director at Exec HQ to find out more.

So, Gus Van Sant, an Exorcist remake. Where did you get that idea?

‘Look man, we made so much fucking money with my Psycho remake, we didn’t know what to do with all that cash. It was a huge smash hit, ya dig? So anyway, there I was with my manager, floating in our money swimming pool when we heard about these Exorcist sequels with Ellen Burstyn on board. Me and my manager looked at each other with dollar signs in our eyes. We both said at the same time, ‘THE POWER OF CASH COMPELS YOU!’ It’s as simple as that.

Will Your Remake Be A Part Of These New Films?

If they make any kind of decent green, then yes, of course we’re part of the franchise. If they don’t, no fucking way man, ours is a stand-alone remake.

Have You Cast The Film Yet?

Yeah, you betcha we have. We got Andrew Scott playing Father Karras. Because who don’t love a sexy priest? I’ve seen Fleabag. People go wild for that shit. Brian Cox will play Father Merrin, but we’ll just get him to shout ‘Oh, fuck off!’ throughout the exorcism. You know, just like he does in that Meme-GIF thing. And we got Macauley Culkin playing Regan.

Is Regan Going To Be A Grown Man In This Version?

No. What do you mean?

Well, Regan Is A Little Girl In The Original. And Culkin is male. A grown man.

No he isn’t. He’s that cute little boy that gets left home alone in that movie… I can’t remember the name of it now.

Home Alone.

I know he is. I just said that, but what’s the name of the movie?

 

It’s Home A… Never Mind. Forget It.

The Exorcist Redux Starts Shooting In 2022.