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To Make Money, You Have To Spend Money
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Quantity Is Quality
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The Nic Cage Investment School Is Open For Business Now
Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.
Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.
I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.
Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?
Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-
No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?
Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.
You Don’t Go To The Toilet?
That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.
Can I Take A Look Please?
Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.
I Really Need To See This
Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.
Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.
Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?
Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?
Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer
You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.
Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?
It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.
Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?
Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.
But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?
Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?
Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly
Hollywood – Quentin Tarantino Disappointed By Happy Feet. The Exec sat down with the maverick auteur in a series of exclusive interviews and one question we asked why was Quentin Tarantino disappointed by Happy Feet?
Quentin Tarantino Disappointed By Happy Feet?
‘So there I was, years ago, having morning coffee with George Miller in the Beverly Wilshire. It must have been about 2006. And he starts to tell me he has a new film coming out and it’s called Happy Feet. I said to him ‘Stop talking right fucking now George. Don’t you say another word, I’m in. I gotta see this movie blind. I don’t wanna hear another fucking thing about it.’ I mean it was like fireworks going off in my head, but also in my pants.’
‘I got George to send me over a print to my office so I could have, you know, a ‘private screening’. I get it all set up by myself. I’ve given everyone the afternoon off so I could really go to town on this sucker. I’ve got plenty of lotion and Cleenex and I’m sat down, ready to have my world rocked. And then the movie starts.’
What The Fuck Is This?
‘This fucking cutesy cartoon comes on. Fucking Penguins running around, dancing and fucking singing. No one even gets shot in the first reel. No one has any fucking toes. It’s all webbed feet and fucking dancing. What the actual shit? This is from the guy who made Mad Max. Where’s the fucking apocalyptic, steam-punks in leather chaps and S&M gear? It’s got the word feet in the title. Where’s Uma with her beautiful big toes?’
Not All Bad
‘Man, I was so frustrated after seeing that movie. It was around the time I was writing the final touches on my shooting script for Inglorious Basterds and so I just thought, fuck it. I’m gonna shoot Hitler in the face. And a movie moment was born. True story.’
More From Our Exclusive Tarantino Conversation Soon
BREAKING NEWS – Yet another Dean Cain Superman rant has been ignored by everyone. The latest Dean Cain Superman rant came in the wake of the news that Action Comics’ new Superman has a bi-sexual son. As the 90s TV Superman shouted at passers-by about bandwagons while sat on his ‘garden sofa’, his microwave dinner for one pinged in readiness to be devoured in front of Dean’s favorite ‘TV stories’.
Dean Cain Superman Rant Not The First
Cain, who now lives in Topeka, Kansas because ‘those Westboro Baptist folks are just so warm-hearted and Christian-like’ will be found regularly writhing around on a couch on his front lawn. There he yells at anyone who will listen about all manner of subjects from Gays, Lesbians to ‘them there Bi-Sexuals’. There, Dean will happily share a beer with you, as long as ‘you ain’t one of them pinko Democrat fags’. As you sup on his luke-warm Buds, he’ll tell you how he was once Superman.
‘I Was Once Superman… Once’
He’ll tell you how he was better than Christopher Reeve and especially better than ‘that fucking Brandon Routh who broke God’s laws by appearing on that god-damned anti-Christian Will & Grace’. Whereas he just played an alien from a faraway planet with superpowers, which is ‘totally in the Bible and everything’.
Is It A Bird, Is It A Plane? No It’s A Right-Wing Bigot!
If you’re lucky he’ll just fall asleep after a hectic day’s hatin’. Or he’ll go inside to catch up on repeats of Highway To Heaven. If you get him on a bad day, Dean will go and get his old Superman costume. It’s got a real badly worn crotch. He’ll then start zooming around the garden. Just keep your fingers crossed that crotch doesn’t give way yet again, exposing his ‘Little Jimmy Olsen and Lex Luthers’.
Dean Will No Doubt Appear On Fox News Again Shortly
BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.
Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?
I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.
What Do You Mean By That?
Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.
But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.
Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.
Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.
Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?
I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.
We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly
REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.
No Time To Die
Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.
No Time To Eye-Eye
The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.
No Time To I-Spy
The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.
Dr No Character Development
The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.
No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You
BREAKING NEWS – The Studio Exec goes on set with Darren Aronofsky directing Clippy The Movie. We managed to catch up with the Requiem For A Dream and Mother! writer / director to get the latest on his new project. With Darren Aronofsky directing Clippy The Movie, we find out what drew him to this surprising project.
Darren Aronofsky Directing Clippy? Thanks For Taking Time Out To Talk With The Exec
To be honest, I’m glad to have something else to do. I’m just sat there on set, twiddling my fucking thumbs.
Why Is That?
We decided to make Clippy a combination of stop-animation and CGI. There’s fuck-all for me to do. It’s just people running around with green body-suits on and plasticine. Actually, it’s kinda sexy, now I think about it.
Can You Tell Us Anything About The Movie?
Yeah, why not? Who Cares? It tells the story of Clippy. Everyone over the age of 35 will remember that little motherfucker popping up on your computer and saying, ‘It looks like you’re trying to write a letter. Would you like some help?’ It’s a story about someone compelled to just be annoying because he’s constantly shunned for mansplaining every time he opens his mouth. It’s a story about toxic masculinity that leads him down a path of alienation and self-destruction. If you think The Wrestler meets Requiem For A Dream, but set in an animated kids world, you can’t go far wrong.
Yeah, he’s also in it. The main part of the film tells the story we all know. But then, things get really fucked up and trippy in the last third of the movie. You know, like they did in Mother! There’s all sorts of creepy, pseudo-religious images because Clippy is wandering the digital wastelands. He’s searching for redemption and meaning in his now redundant life. It’s an age old tale. I guess we all grow old and insignificant and because of that, we assign meaning where there isn’t any. It’s like T.S Eliot said, ‘I will show you meaning in a handful of dust.’
You Kinda Lost Me There?
Look, just plug the fucking movie, because it’s got loads of CGI shenanigans going on. Think Wallace and Gromit meets Angel Heart with a bit of Tron thrown in and you’re basically there.
Clippy The Movie Is Due To Be Released Next Year
HOLLYWOOD – MCU fans have been given a treat with the surprise announcement a new Letitia Wright Flat Earth movie has been greenlit. In a bold new venture, being funded by Facebook and The Republican Party, the Letitia Wright flat earth film starts filming as soon as Letitia finishes working on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. The Exec caught up with the star to discuss her new project.
Letitia, Tell Us More About This New Project
Quick, draw those blinds. These bungalow windows are far too big. Satellites could be filming us and listening to our every word. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means Bill fucking Gates and his beady little eyes crawling all over us. Ugh. That creepy motherfucker.
Would You Like To Sit Down Rather Than Pacing Around?
No, I can’t sit still. If I do, they’ll get a fix on me and shoot me with their flying nano-bots. You don’t think they get those things into you just by so-called vaccines, do you? They’re fucking everywhere man. Chariots of the gods, you know what I mean? Look, it’s really easy to follow. They can’t just get us all to take the mind-controlling vaccine. Many have, and believe me, they’ll be sorry, those stupid, pandemic-reducing motherfuckers. But they’re trying to get the nano-bots into the rest of us by invisible drones flying around and dropping their mind control shit onto our food and into our drinks without us even noticing.
Are You Feeling Ok?
That’s what my ex-manager said to me just before I fired her. She was blind to the truth. Just like those bastards at Marvel. That’s why I let them let me finish early on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Those mask-wearing sheep couldn’t handle the truth.
Are You Going To Tell Us About This Flat Earth Film Or What?
I’m in it, you piece of shit.
Flat Earth: The Movie Starts Shooting Soon
HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.
Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.
Paul Schrader Downs Facebook
After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.
Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.
Bringing Out The Shit
Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.
Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS
MOVIE NEWS – With box office numbers published for last week, it is safe to say PAW Patrol saves cinema. With no other major releases on either side of the Atlantic or around the world, a surge of devotees to the franchise have flocked to multiplexes ensuring PAW Patrol saves cinema for the rest of us.
PAW Patrol Saves Cinema
As the world twiddled its collective thumbs wondering what to do in their down time, the greatest team of heroes were assembling… to sniff each other’s assholes. With nothing else on in cinemas anywhere for anyone, crowds have flocked with tails wagging to see PAW Patrol: The Movie.
They’ll Be There On The Dou-Ble
Cinema-goers are dog tired of Marvel movies and magnetic Fast and Furious films. They want heroes with balls. And they want that hero to lick their own balls. With end of week box-office receipts of $135million stateside and the rest of the world fetching $105million, PAW Patrol has been a very good doggy.
Cinema Is Saved
Scare stories appeared in certain publications (thank you The Guardian) and many people believed that cinema was doomed. Therefore those evil cats at Netflix, Apple TV and Disney+ were waiting to snaffle the dog treats away. But PAW Patrol broke free of its leash and ran away with a nice big juicy bone.
A Shaggy Dog Tale
The past 18 months has been really ‘ruff’ for the cinema industry. But it certainly set tails wagging when we see numbers like this for PAW Patrol. Streaming is no longer the cat who got all of the cream. Cinema is chasing streaming services back up the tree with its tail firmly between its legs. Cinema might have been in the dog’s bed for the past 18 months but the sun eventually shines on every dog’s ass. And we at The Exec, are lapping it up like good dogs. Cinema is not Old Yeller, quite yet.
PAW Patrol Is Currently In Cinemas
HOLLYWOOD – The Ron Howard Salo remake is finally greenlit and is set to star Tom Hanks, Jason Bateman, Jeffrey Tambor and Michael Cera. The Ron Howard Salo remake of the film based on the Marquis de Sade’s controversial story will be a family friendly version and set in Malibu. The Exec sat down with Ron Howard to discuss his latest project.
So, a Ron Howard Salo Remake? Where did that come from?
I’ve always been a fan of Pier Poalo Pasolini’s film. But it also frustrates me. I get the need for a bit of unpleasantness. But making those poor young people eat the you-know-what and have their thing-a-me-bobs pulled off was too much. And keep their clothes on for Christ-sakes. By filming those scenes he lost his PG-13 rating. Do you know how much money that demographic brings in? Shit loads, that’s how much. Paolo was a fool to himself.
How Will Your Version Be Different?
For a start, we’re filming in Malibu. It’s much easier to get A-listers to sign on if you’re filming some place nice and warm by a beach. We’re also taking the setting away from all the Nazi stuff. If we want those PG-13 dollars, we got to set it in a well-loved era. So it’ll be set in the 80s. Picture it, kids on their BMX bikes, fluorescent headbands, Cyndi Lauper on a ghetto blaster and lots of laughs. Instead of Nazi fascists, we got the school board. And they put some kids in detention and make them do hard, but funny and PG-13 friendly tasks. It’ll be a hoot. We’ll get the kids from Stranger Things. They seem popular. Let me write that down.
What About The Rest Of Your Cast?
The adult school board members will be led by Tom Hanks, obviously. Then we got Jason Bateman as the one who secretly sympathizes with the kids. Jeffrey Tambor will be the baddie. The kids will probably end up pushing him into a swimming pool, that’ll show him, hahahah! And finally we have Michael Cera as the leader of the kids.
Isn’t Michael Cera About 35 Now?
Yeah, but who cares. He’s a buddy of mine and has that confused, innocent shtick going on. He aint doing much these days and kids remember him from Super Bad, so win-win.
The Ron Howard Salo Remake Starts Shooting In Malibu Next Spring
HOLLYWOOD – To coincide with the long awaited Bond film No Time To Die, The Exec takes a look back at James Bond’s more racist moments during the franchise’s history. Much has been done recently to address these issues. But what makes our top five racist Bond moments and why are they so awful?
Five Racist Bond Moments #5 – Octopussy
The India set entry of the Bond series is packed full of moments that make you cringe and wince. But the low point must surely be when Roger Moore’s Bond has won some money playing Backgammon. He tips the guy stood next him and says, ‘That should keep you in curry for a few weeks.’ What a dick.
Five Racist Bond Moments #4 – From Russia With Love
The ‘Gypsy’ camp sequence does nothing to advance attitudes towards the Romani community. The women are portrayed as wild eyed objects used only for sex or cooking (the ever-present Bond misogyny) and the men are disposable fodder for Bond’s white savior who must be protected at all costs. Not a good look.
Five Racist Bond Moments #3 – You Only Twice
Bond’s transformation into a Japanese man is eye watering in its racism. According to the Roald Dahl penned script (let’s not go down that road) it’s easy to ‘become Japanese’. All you have to do is remove your body hair, put on a wig (must have been hot under all those wigs), stoop and shuffle around. Don’t worry about your thick Scottish accent. You can always just shoot anyone who questions you. Job done.
Five Racist Bond Moments #2 – Live And Let Die (All Of It)
Getting in on the Blaxploitation trend of the time was never going to work for Bond. From Harlem’s Mr Big to San Monique and the horrific ‘voodoo’ scenes. They play on almost every conceivable racist stereotype available about the African American and Caribbean communities at the time. The Bond writers and producers did not get Roger Moore’s tenure in the tuxedo off to a great start. And that trend was going to continue.
And Racist Bond Moment #1 Is… – The Man With The Golden Gun (All Of It)
In Roger Moore’s second outing, Bond is basically a racist sex tourist on holiday in South East Asia. His mission: To fuck and offend every nation and culture he happens across, with extreme prejudice. So with the subtlety of a flying brick, he takes the piss out of names for wine, raises eyebrows at subservient hotel porters and displays tendencies for predatory stalking of naked girls in pools with ridiculous names. If the Carry On team had been given a multi-million dollar budget, they would have made this film. It’s truly a low point for the franchise because ‘comic’ relief comes yet again in the form of uber-racist Sheriff, J W Pepper. Thankfully, the writers and producers have come a long way. Long may it continue to improve, because we love a bit of Bond. Just not when he’s not being a racist dick.
No Time To Die Is Finally Out In UK Cinemas This Week
Breaking News – Hot on the tails of the Super Mario Bros movie announcement, it has been confirmed that a David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie is in development. The David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie will be based on the smash hit 80s computer game of the same name. The Exec caught up with Lynch to discuss his new project.
[Cough] David, do you have to smoke in here during the interview?
… Ok then. Can You Tell Us What Drew You To Such A Different Kind Of Project?
Well, it’s like this. People know me for making films that don’t necessarily have linear narratives, bourgeois constructs or easy to follow plots, if any. I’m an artist that seeks constant reinvention and stimulus. Therefore I was very stimulated when Paramount drove a truck full of money up to my home and told me to look at their script for Chuckie Egg: The Movie. I thought to myself, ‘David, it’s time for reinvention. Oh, and a new swimming pool. Ya can’t forget the swimming pool.’
So This Isn’t Going To Be A Subversive Take On The Computer Game Movie Genre?
Fuck, no! As I said, I have reinvented myself. I’m gonna be the darling of the studios. You think Ron Howard is a safe, 7/10 kinda director? You aint seen nothing yet. I’m gonna direct this shit by the numbers. I’ve already been on to McDonalds about a Chuckie Egg McMuffin tie in. This will be the blandest movie I ever made.
Is It Live Action Or CGI?
It’s whatever the fuck the producers tell me it’s gonna be. We haven’t had the initial feedback data from the focus groups yet, so we really can’t say at this stage. But I guarantee you this, Mr Chuckie will have his eggs and eat them.
Had You Ever Heard Of Chuckie Egg Before You Read The Script?
Script? Have you seen the script? If you do, then please forward me a copy. I’ve heard it’s great. But to answer your question, no. I never played video games in the 80s. I was too busy making Dune, Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks. What were you doing?
David Lynch’s Chuckie Egg: The Movie Starts Filming In December