LETITIA WRIGHT FLAT EARTH MOVIE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – MCU fans have been given a treat with the surprise announcement a new Letitia Wright Flat Earth movie has been greenlit. In a bold new venture, being funded by Facebook and The Republican Party, the Letitia Wright flat earth film starts filming as soon as Letitia finishes working on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. The Exec caught up with the star to discuss her new project.


Letitia, Tell Us More About This New Project

Quick, draw those blinds. These bungalow windows are far too big. Satellites could be filming us and listening to our every word. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means Bill fucking Gates and his beady little eyes crawling all over us. Ugh. That creepy motherfucker.

Would You Like To Sit Down Rather Than Pacing Around?

No, I can’t sit still. If I do, they’ll get a fix on me and shoot me with their flying nano-bots. You don’t think they get those things into you just by so-called vaccines, do you? They’re fucking everywhere man. Chariots of the gods, you know what I mean? Look, it’s really easy to follow. They can’t just get us all to take the mind-controlling vaccine. Many have, and believe me, they’ll be sorry, those stupid, pandemic-reducing motherfuckers. But they’re trying to get the nano-bots into the rest of us by invisible drones flying around and dropping their mind control shit onto our food and into our drinks without us even noticing.

Are You Feeling Ok?

That’s what my ex-manager said to me just before I fired her. She was blind to the truth. Just like those bastards at Marvel. That’s why I let them let me finish early on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Those mask-wearing sheep couldn’t handle the truth.

Are You Going To Tell Us About This Flat Earth Film Or What?

I’m in it, you piece of shit.

Flat Earth: The Movie Starts Shooting Soon

PAUL SCHRADER DOWNED FACEBOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Oligarch psychopath, Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed that Paul Schrader downed Facebook with ‘the sheer weight of shitty posts’, that it completely toppled the whole Facebook group of sites. The unpredictable and verbally effluent director, Paul Schrader downed Facebook with a never ending torrent of shit on his page.

Taxi Drivel

Posts on Schrader’s Facebook range from complaining about gay actresses to whining that he’s been kicked out of his online poker group due to ‘cancel culture’. It really is a never ending fountain of shit for anyone who wants to feel better about themselves. But all the fun and ‘schraderfreuder’ (see what we did there?) games came crashing to the ground yesterday when the entire Facebook group closed down for over 6 hours.

Paul Schrader Downs Facebook

After an intense IT investigation period, it was discovered that Facebook had finally reached its shit-post threshold. This was digitally manifested in a reverse Tron-like move where ton after ton of actual shit was generated from the Zuckerberg servers.

Raging Bullshit

Staff at Facebook HQ were unable to enter the building. At first it was believed to be because the security system had also crashed. Later, it was revealed it was down to severe amounts of Schrader’s bullshit behind the doors.

Bringing Out The Shit

Twitter immediately responded by placing a blanket ban on anyone with the name Paul Schrader, Paul, or anyone bemoaning a world where you can’t act like a fucking asshole all the time. Thanks to their quick action, the shit infestation failed to take a grip on the micro-blogging site. Therefore Twitter was left with just a few minor skid-marks.

Brown Collar

Zuckerberg was ‘unavailable for comment’ at the time of writing. Unfortunately, we have been plagued by requests from Mr Schrader. He wants us to provide him with another platform to moan about ‘those fucking lesbians’. But we have declined the first few thousand requests of his.

 

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT BREAKS

PAW PATROL SAVES CINEMA

MOVIE NEWS – With box office numbers published for last week, it is safe to say PAW Patrol saves cinema. With no other major releases on either side of the Atlantic or around the world, a surge of devotees to the franchise have flocked to multiplexes ensuring PAW Patrol saves cinema for the rest of us.

PAW Patrol Saves Cinema

As the world twiddled its collective thumbs wondering what to do in their down time, the greatest team of heroes were assembling… to sniff each other’s assholes. With nothing else on in cinemas anywhere for anyone, crowds have flocked with tails wagging to see PAW Patrol: The Movie.

They’ll Be There On The Dou-Ble

Cinema-goers are dog tired of Marvel movies and magnetic Fast and Furious films. They want heroes with balls. And they want that hero to lick their own balls. With end of week box-office receipts of $135million stateside and the rest of the world fetching $105million, PAW Patrol has been a very good doggy.

Cinema Is Saved

Scare stories appeared in certain publications (thank you The Guardian) and many people believed that cinema was doomed. Therefore those evil cats at Netflix, Apple TV and Disney+ were waiting to snaffle the dog treats away. But PAW Patrol broke free of its leash and ran away with a nice big juicy bone.

A Shaggy Dog Tale

The past 18 months has been really ‘ruff’ for the cinema industry. But it certainly set tails wagging when we see numbers like this for PAW Patrol. Streaming is no longer the cat who got all of the cream. Cinema is chasing streaming services back up the tree with its tail firmly between its legs. Cinema might have been in the dog’s bed for the past 18 months but the sun eventually shines on every dog’s ass. And we at The Exec, are lapping it up like good dogs. Cinema is not Old Yeller, quite yet.

PAW Patrol Is Currently In Cinemas

RON HOWARD SALO REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – The Ron Howard Salo remake is finally greenlit and is set to star Tom Hanks, Jason Bateman, Jeffrey Tambor and Michael Cera. The Ron Howard Salo remake of the film based on the Marquis de Sade’s controversial story will be a family friendly version and set in Malibu. The Exec sat down with Ron Howard to discuss his latest project.

So, a Ron Howard Salo Remake? Where did that come from?

I’ve always been a fan of Pier Poalo Pasolini’s film. But it also frustrates me. I get the need for a bit of unpleasantness. But making those poor young people eat the you-know-what and have their thing-a-me-bobs pulled off was too much. And keep their clothes on for Christ-sakes. By filming those scenes he lost his PG-13 rating. Do you know how much money that demographic brings in? Shit loads, that’s how much. Paolo was a fool to himself.

How Will Your Version Be Different?

For a start, we’re filming in Malibu. It’s much easier to get A-listers to sign on if you’re filming some place nice and warm by a beach. We’re also taking the setting away from all the Nazi stuff. If we want those PG-13 dollars, we got to set it in a well-loved era. So it’ll be set in the 80s. Picture it, kids on their BMX bikes, fluorescent headbands, Cyndi Lauper on a ghetto blaster and lots of laughs. Instead of Nazi fascists, we got the school board. And they put some kids in detention and make them do hard, but funny and PG-13 friendly tasks. It’ll be a hoot. We’ll get the kids from Stranger Things. They seem popular. Let me write that down.

What About The Rest Of Your Cast?

The adult school board members will be led by Tom Hanks, obviously. Then we got Jason Bateman as the one who secretly sympathizes with the kids. Jeffrey Tambor will be the baddie. The kids will probably end up pushing him into a swimming pool, that’ll show him, hahahah! And finally we have Michael Cera as the leader of the kids.

Isn’t Michael Cera About 35 Now?

Yeah, but who cares. He’s a buddy of mine and has that confused, innocent shtick going on. He aint doing much these days and kids remember him from Super Bad, so win-win.

The Ron Howard Salo Remake Starts Shooting In Malibu Next Spring

FIVE RACIST BOND MOMENTS

HOLLYWOOD – To coincide with the long awaited Bond film No Time To Die, The Exec takes a look back at James Bond’s more racist moments during the franchise’s history. Much has been done recently to address these issues. But what makes our top five racist Bond moments and why are they so awful?

Five Racist Bond Moments #5 – Octopussy

The India set entry of the Bond series is packed full of moments that make you cringe and wince. But the low point must surely be when Roger Moore’s Bond has won some money playing Backgammon. He tips the guy stood next him and says, ‘That should keep you in curry for a few weeks.’ What a dick.

Five Racist Bond Moments #4 – From Russia With Love

The ‘Gypsy’ camp sequence does nothing to advance attitudes towards the Romani community. The women are portrayed as wild eyed objects used only for sex or cooking (the ever-present Bond misogyny) and the men are disposable fodder for Bond’s white savior who must be protected at all costs. Not a good look.

Five Racist Bond Moments #3 – You Only Twice

Bond’s transformation into a Japanese man is eye watering in its racism. According to the Roald Dahl penned script (let’s not go down that road) it’s easy to ‘become Japanese’. All you have to do is remove your body hair, put on a wig (must have been hot under all those wigs), stoop and shuffle around. Don’t worry about your thick Scottish accent. You can always just shoot anyone who questions you. Job done.

Five Racist Bond Moments #2 – Live And Let Die (All Of It)

Getting in on the Blaxploitation trend of the time was never going to work for Bond. From Harlem’s Mr Big to San Monique and the horrific ‘voodoo’ scenes. They play on almost every conceivable racist stereotype available about the African American and Caribbean communities at the time. The Bond writers and producers did not get Roger Moore’s tenure in the tuxedo off to a great start. And that trend was going to continue.

And Racist Bond Moment #1 Is… – The Man With The Golden Gun (All Of It)

In Roger Moore’s second outing, Bond is basically a racist sex tourist on holiday in South East Asia. His mission: To fuck and offend every nation and culture he happens across, with extreme prejudice. So with the subtlety of a flying brick, he takes the piss out of names for wine, raises eyebrows at subservient hotel porters and displays tendencies for predatory stalking of naked girls in pools with ridiculous names. If the Carry On team had been given a multi-million dollar budget, they would have made this film. It’s truly a low point for the franchise because ‘comic’ relief comes yet again in the form of uber-racist Sheriff, J W Pepper. Thankfully, the writers and producers have come a long way. Long may it continue to improve, because we love a bit of Bond. Just not when he’s not being a racist dick.

No Time To Die Is Finally Out In UK Cinemas This Week

DAVID LYNCH CHUCKIE EGG MOVIE GREENLIT

Breaking News – Hot on the tails of the Super Mario Bros movie announcement, it has been confirmed that a David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie is in development. The David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie will be based on the smash hit 80s computer game of the same name. The Exec caught up with Lynch to discuss his new project.

[Cough] David, do you have to smoke in here during the interview?

Yes.

… Ok then. Can You Tell Us What Drew You To Such A Different Kind Of Project?

Well, it’s like this. People know me for making films that don’t necessarily have linear narratives, bourgeois constructs or easy to follow plots, if any. I’m an artist that seeks constant reinvention and stimulus. Therefore I was very stimulated when Paramount drove a truck full of money up to my home and told me to look at their script for Chuckie Egg: The Movie. I thought to myself, ‘David, it’s time for reinvention. Oh, and a new swimming pool. Ya can’t forget the swimming pool.’

So This Isn’t Going To Be A Subversive Take On The Computer Game Movie Genre?

Fuck, no! As I said, I have reinvented myself. I’m gonna be the darling of the studios. You think Ron Howard is a safe, 7/10 kinda director? You aint seen nothing yet. I’m gonna direct this shit by the numbers. I’ve already been on to McDonalds about a Chuckie Egg McMuffin tie in. This will be the blandest movie I ever made.

Is It Live Action Or CGI?

It’s whatever the fuck the producers tell me it’s gonna be. We haven’t had the initial feedback data from the focus groups yet, so we really can’t say at this stage. But I guarantee you this, Mr Chuckie will have his eggs and eat them.

Had You Ever Heard Of Chuckie Egg Before You Read The Script?

Script? Have you seen the script? If you do, then please forward me a copy. I’ve heard it’s great. But to answer your question, no. I never played video games in the 80s. I was too busy making Dune, Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks. What were you doing?

David Lynch’s Chuckie Egg: The Movie Starts Filming In December

JAMES BOND SPINOFF MOVIE ANNOUNCED

BREAKING NEWS – Ending months of speculation, EON productions and Barbara Broccoli have confirmed a James Bond spinoff movie is set to go into production shortly. The James Bond spinoff movie will tell the story of ‘The Bottle Man’, the guy who witnesses various crazy James Bond stunts around the world in several Bond films. The Exec caught up with Barbara Broccoli to find out more on this surprising project.

Barbara, Why Did You Choose The Bottle Man As Your First Bond Spinoff?

We knew everyone would be expecting us to go with a female double-0 kinda vibe. So we thought it would be cool to go in a direction nobody would be expecting. There’s a whole raft of female led action movies out there now, with Black Widow, Atomic Blonde and the upcoming Furiosa thing. Therefore the market’s flooded. We thought let’s expand the JBU (James Bond Universe) in terms of genre. That’s when we came up with the idea of going with a character driven, arthouse picture. The Bottle Man is the perfect choice to explore what drives men to drink and become toxic assholes. No one’s done that before.

Can You Explain Who The Bottle Man Is?

He was a guy who briefly appeared double-taking when Bond emerges from the sea in his Lotus on The Spy Who Loved Me. He then did the same when Bond is in that fucking motorized Gondola during Moonraker. He also turns up during the ski and bike chase in For Your Eyes Only. This is a guy who spends his time on some pretty expensive holidays, but he’s always drinking. We wanted to explore what drives him to drink.

How Do You Intend To Do That?

We’re going to tell his stories leading up to and including those encounters. It’ll be a trilogy, one encounter for each movie. It’s like our version of Kieslowski’s Trois Couleurs Trilogy. Think Bond meets Bukowski and you can’t go far wrong.

Who Is Playing The Bottle Man?

Jean Dujardin. We figured he owes us after making a killing on those fucking OSS-117 movies. We couldn’t even Kevin McLory his ass in court. So we figured, if you can’t beat them, give them a shit ton of dough to do your own stuff. That fucker took the bait. No more OSS, that’s for sure.

The Bottle Man Part 1 Starts Filming In The New Year

GEORGE CLOONEY TO PLAY DEL BOY IN ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – George Clooney cast as Del Boy in Hollywood version of Only Fools and Horses.

The news rocked the film world today that George Clooney is to star in the Hollywood version of the classic BBC comedy Only Fools and Horses. A remake has been in the works for years but many thought it would never see the light of day after Warner Bros cancelled Ridley Scott’s five hour version. Mr Nespresso – as he prefers to be known – talked exclusively with the Studio Exec:

The thing is that in England you want to play Hamlet. Every actor does. Because that’s the role. That’s the role where you prove how good you are. Del Boy is exactly that kind of role. To be honest we used to watch Only Fools and Horses when we on set shooting ER and I would always say: Christ, if only… Me and Anthony Edwards would memorizes whole routines. And we’d just go. So this is a dream come true for me.

George Clooney is also taking the director’s chair hoping that this time he’ll win back some of the credibility he lost with Midnight Sky, and Monuments Men, and Leatherheads. The original series starred David Jason as the London conman and wide boy who makes his money with a thousand dodgy schemes, helped by his hapless younger brother Rodney.

Clooney was all over the casting like a rash.

Casting Rodney is the most important thing. Yes, Del Boy is the star, but without a Rodney to match him. What Nicholas Lyndhurst did with that role…! I mean, we all love Goodnight Sweetheart, but compared to Rodney it was like a puddle of sick versus a chicken korma. Luckily Brad Pitt loved the script.

Only Fools and Horses The Motion Picture hits screens in 2022.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS TAXIDERMIA REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – A Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia remake has been greenlit by Dreamworks and Universal. The 2006 Hungarian surreal, multi-generational horror / comedy will receive a dramatic makeover. It will be shot in the style of The Polar Express, using motion capture and CGI animation. The Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia remake begins shooting this January.

Robert Zemeckis Taxidermia Remake To Star Guess Who? 

Tom Hanks will star as Brick Bateman, a shy and socially outcast Taxidermist, who looks after his severely obese and embittered father. The film will tell the story of three different generations of men from the Bateman bloodline.

Motion Captcha Coming Right Atcha

Zemeckis will return to using motion capture suits and fully realized CGI environments such as the ones used in his 2004 Christmas hit, The Polar Express. Andy Serkis will don the mo-cap suit to play Mick ‘Guzzler’ Bateman, Hanks’s father in the film. Javier Bardem completes the triumvirate of leading men. He plays Cleetus Bateman, Brick’s amorously challenged grandfather. The Exec caught up with Zemeckis to discuss this unusual choice of project.

Robert, What Made You Choose Taxidermia For Your Next Project?

I remember seeing it and thinking that it was a real sweet tale about love, sporting triumph and family values.

Are You Sure We’re Thinking Of The Same Film?

You betcha. What could be cuter than innocent love in a barn, overcoming adversity to reach the top of your sport and looking after your dear old Pappy?

Don’t You Think It’s A Film About The Darker Sides Of Lust, Greed And Our Own Self-Destructive Natures?

Nope. I think it’s a neat film about caring for animals even after they’ve died. That what Tom likes about it also. We’re going for the family market, so we toned the nudity down a little. But only a little. And by going full CGI, we can really draw the kids into the story. We’re hoping for another Christmas classic. Something the whole family can sit down in front of after a nice, big Thanksgiving or Christmas Dinner. Lovely stuff.

The Robert Zemickis Taxidermia Remake Begins Shooting This January

VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

ANYA TAYLOR JOY FARTED AT VENICE

‘BREAKING’ NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal how Anya Taylor Joy farted while attending the Venice Film Festival red carpet events. It happened at the build up to the premiere of her new film, directed by Edgar Wright, Last Night In Soho. Anya Taylor Joy farted as co-star Matt Smith walked the red carpet with her.


Anya Taylor Joy Farted – Not Living Deliciously

The star could be heard pumping out the farts through her bright pink Dior designed dress as she strode up the red carpet. Paparazzi were kept well back from the star, which was a good thing. Matt Smith who co-starred with Anya in Last Night In Soho, could be seen mouthing the words ‘Jesus fucking Christ! Who dropped their guts? Anya?’ as he greeted her at the glitzy event. The ex-Dr Who actor was seen gagging repeatedly, as he walked beside the flatulent star.

Where’s The Shitter?

The two met up with the Shaun Of The Dead director, Edgar Wright who could be seen holding his nose. Initially, he pointed at Matt Smith, who shook his head in disgust and pointed at his glamorous co-star. She looked at Edgar and said with no shame, ‘Yeah, that was me, Eddie my boy. I can’t help it. I was drinking Guinness last night and then went for a curry. My guts are playing havoc with me today and I’ve had the squirts four times already. Where’s the shitter? Because I gotta to go again.’

Funyuns And Chess

Throughout the entire film Anya sat at the back of the theatre. She ate Funyuns, only stopping occasionally to raise a leg and force a trump. Then she shouted out chess moves at the end of each loud and noxious fart. ‘Knight takes Pawn. Hooray! And ‘I’m Castling my Kasparov!’ The film ended and the polite audience rose to its feet to applaud. She swaggered menacingly down the aisle, throwing Funyuns like confetti as she went.

French Flatulist Film

Anya announced at the Q&A afterwards her next role will be in an all-female biopic. The story of the French Flatulist, Joseph Pujol, better known as Le Petomane, who rose to fame as a professional farter. She is being coached by Daniel Day-Lewis, who is also a keen flatulist. It will be called Gaslighting.

Last Night In Soho Is Released In Cinemas In October

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN WARNER BROS UNCOUPLE

MOVIE NEWS – With the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros partnership coming to an end, The Exec sat down to talk with a Warner Bros PR spokesperson. We find out how the Christopher Nolan Warner Bros conscious uncoupling came about and was it really mutual?

Sorry To Ask But How Did Christopher Nolan & Warner Bros Uncouple?

That’s ok [sniff]. I guess we need to talk it through with someone [sniff]. Just to try and make sense of it all. Y’know what I mean [sniff]? I thought we were in a good place. Thought we were secure in our relationship. People always said he was a cold one, but you never really believe it, until it happens to you. And then he just left. Didn’t leave a note or anything [sniff].

Were There Any Signs This Was Coming?

What do you mean? Are you saying it’s our fault? We gave everything [sniff] to this relationship. Showered him with money for anything he wanted to do. We never asked any questions. And what do we get in return (apart from billions of dollars in revenue)? He goes to Universal [sniff]. Universal? What the fuck is he going to do over there? Make Smokey And The Bandit? What a crock of shit.

Do You Think There Was Anything You Could Have Done Differently?

I guess we could have spent less time with Zack Snyder and Matt Reeves. But we were just fooling around, having a bit of fun at work. They meant nothing. Literally nothing. Have you seen the returns? Jesus [sniff]. What a waste of fucking time those guys were.

And What About You With HBO Max?

Oh, here we go [cries]! You’re going to rub that in our face. It was just a small deal. We flirted for a bit with streaming. They got knocked up with our movies last year, and that’s it. We’re tied to them for the rest of our fucking lives.

Well, It Is Your Contractual Responsibility And Commitment.

Now you just sound like our parent company and investors. Fuck you [sniff].

Christopher Nolan Will Shoot His Next Movie About Oppenheimer, With Universal.

BLONDER BOND WEBSITE LAUNCHES

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.


Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.

Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.

You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.

Yeah, ok. Fair enough.

So, tell us about the website.

We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.

How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?

Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.

What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?

If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.

What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?

Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.

Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?

Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.

No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET NEW HAIRCUT SHOCK

The Timothee Chalamet new haircut has shocked people all around the world. The heartthrob movie star who will next be seen in sci-fi epic, Dune has had a ‘slight trim’ according to reports. The Timothee Chalamet new haircut is due to be officially unveiled at the Dune premiere.

A Timothee Chalamet New Haircut? What A Time To Be Alive!

As the heartthrob actor queued up outside his local barber shop in Manhattan, New York, interest began to mount. The actor entered the barbers and sat down in a chair, eyewitnesses have reported. He then had a cover all wrapped around him, just like a normal person. The Exec spoke with Tony Goode, owner of A Cut Above The Rest barbers, where Chalamet had his haircut.

His Hair Is Almost Just Like Ours, But More Famous

“He asked for a little off the top and a number 5 around the backs and sides.” Said Tony. “His hair smelled incredible. It was like smelling heaven or something.” By this point, crowds had begun to gather and live streams of the haircut were beaming themselves around the world. “His hair felt like normal hair, which is weird. It’s almost like ours, but more famous, Because of this, my hands were a little shaky. I had to take a minute to gather myself. And then, I began to cut.”

Like Black Strands Of Utopia

“I started by just gently snipping the ends off the top. They were already perfect. I felt like I was cutting perfection. Like drawing over the Mona Lisa. It was then he smiled at me in the mirror. I stopped cutting as his gaze warmed me. And then. Sorry, I’m getting a bit emotional. And then, he said to ‘It’s ok, you can do this. It’s what you’ve trained for all your life.’”

Right Through Me

“His power went right through me. I then started to cut and snip like a man possessed. Everything was beautiful blur. And before I knew it, I’d given him a trim on top and a number 5 around the backs and sides. I tapered the back of his milky neck. It was done. And like that, he was gone.” People now pay to just come into my shop. They just want to stand there, in the same space as he once was. It’s magical. I also now charge $800 for The Chalamet, as I call it.”

Dune opens in theatres later this year.