ALAN SMITHEE BECOMES THE RESIDENT DCEU DIRECTOR

EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.

 

Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.

No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.

I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?

Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.

Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?

Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.

So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?

Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.

But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?

Eh? What the hell are you talking about?

Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring

REGINALD PERRIN THE MOVIE BEGINS SHOOTING

HOLLYWOOD – The Exec can exclusively reveal everyone’s favorite ‘he who must not be named’ is to starring in Reginald Perrin The Movie. Ralph Fiennes has started shooting Reginald Perrin The Movie in London, with Charlie Kaufman directing. We spoke with Ralph Fiennes about the project.

Ralph, What Drew You To Reginald Perrin The Movie?

People say I look like Leonard Rossiter. That’s about it, really. Oh, and the money was good.

Was That It?

At first, yeah. But then they got Charlie on board to direct it. So it went from a low budget remake of a beloved 70s British sit-com to some kind of meta upon meta, upon meta version of Leonard Rossiter’s life. Honestly, I haven’t got Scooby Doo what’s going on now. But then Netflix came on board. So therefore the budget shot up, as did my fee. Happy fucking days innit!

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Changes From The 70s BBC Version We All Know?

I’ll try, but you know, it’s a Charlie Kaufman movie so who the fuck knows what’s going on. It’s pretty much the same up until the point Reggie fakes his own suicide. He then comes back as Leonard Rossiter and auditions for 2001: A Space Odyssey. The script then keeps changing between Reggie’s and Leonard’s lives. They both judge each other with a melancholic, self-referencing, self-loathing irony. You know, standard Charlie Kaufman stuff. Everyone drifts away until it’s just them, sat in a room staring at each other as they discuss the merits of the Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais so-called comedy, Water. That was Leonard’s last film. I think Michael Caine has agreed to play himself.

Jesus.

Hey, you said it man. Nobody f- oh wait. Hang on, that’s the Coens, not Kaufman. My apologies. Wrong meta gag. Can you tell me what’s real please? I’m getting tired of Charlie’s shit.

Reginald Perrin The Movie Is Due Out Next Year

DOLMIO: JARED LETO AS SPOKESPERSON

BREAKING NEWS – It will come as no surprise to anyone who has seen Ridley Scott’s House Of Gucci that Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their ‘International Spokesperson’ and ‘Pasta Sauce Ambassador’ earlier today. The Exec caught up with the actor and the Mars Incorporated subsidiary Public Relations to find out exactly why Dolmio confirmed Jared Leto as their leading man.

 

Please Tell Us Why Dolmio Confirmed Jared Leto As Their International Spokesperson?

Dolmio PR (DPR): Don’t forget that he’s also our Pasta Sauce Ambassador. We wanted someone who we think can bring our wholesome, great tasting, authentic Italian styled food across to a huge, international consumer base on a global basis, crossing demographics worldwide. So, when we saw House OF Gucci, we just thought Jared was our man from the get-go.

Jared Leto (JL): Plus they’re paying me an obscene amount of money to do so. Far more obscene than anything I’ve ever been alleged to have done with anyone…

DPR: (Whispers in Jared’s ear with their hand over the microphone)

JL: Although I must stress the word alleged. Nobody has managed to prove a fucking thing yet. Out of court settlements baby. YEAH!

Jared, What Attracted You To The Dolmio Brand?

JL: Well, I was prepping for House Of Gucci like a mofo, ya dig? I was snorting lines of arrabbiata sauce. I had olive oil for blood. My skin was parmesan cheese. But I just couldn’t nail the accent down. And then I saw this British sit-com called ‘Allo ‘Allo. Have you seen it? It’s like this hyper-real deal set in France during WWII. There was this Italian soldier called Captain Alberto Bertarelli and his accent was the tits. I tell you man, it was out of this fucking world. I started copying that and badda-bing! Before you know it, I’m like Bobby De Niro, talking Italian. Italy is in my blood now. And of course, don’t forget the money.

What Will You Be Doing For Dolmio?

JL: I’ll be playing a real family man, capiche? I got the accent and dialogue all locked down like a pro. All you have to do is start and finish every word you say with an A. It’s so fucking easy. Here, let me get into character and demonstrate-

DPR: This interview is over.

JL: Whatsamatteryou? Hey? Goddanorespect!

House Of Gucci Is Currently Showing In Cinemas

AL PACINO REMOVED GLASSES SHOCK

Hollywood – The movie world is reeling today after Al Pacino removed glasses from his eyes upon the heartless instructions of blood thirsty journalists. The incident took place at the New York premiere of Ridley Scott’s latest film, House Of Gucci. Onlookers were stunned as Al Pacino removed glasses, complying with the vicious demands from baying journalists and photographers. Lady Gaga, who is starring alongside Pacino in the movie, tore into the photographers in a four letter-filled tirade of abuse.

Al Pacino Removed Glasses WTAF!

The nightmarish scene played out in full view of movie fans, A-listers and journalists alike. Cuddly Al, was wearing his customary cool shades, so photographers ordered him to remove them. Upon taking his glasses off, Lady Gaga who was with him on the red carpet, unleashed a foul-mouthed rebuke. ‘You put those fucking glasses back on your face Al. Hey you. Yeah, you. Who the fuck do you think this is? He’s Al Fucking Pacino you piece of shit. Why don’t you come up here and let’s go a few rounds. Bafangu, you lousy mook.’

Lady GrrGrr

Lady GaGa then leaped from the red carpeted stage into the crowd of photographers, throwing kicks and punches indiscriminately while shouting, ‘Who wants it? Have it, you pieces of shit.’ Then a group of well-rehearsed publicists pulled her out of the melee. Meanwhile another group of well-rehearsed publicists distributed cash amongst the injured and bleeding paparazzi.

Oh Shit, It’s Jared Leto

Those close by swore they could hear Al Pacino say upon removing his glasses, ‘Wait a minute, is that Jared Leto? Because I thought they said Jay Leno. Was I just in a picture with that wrong’un?’ Then he put his glasses back on and spent the entire premiere sat at the back of the theatre with his arms folded. Those nearby could hear him muttering about his ‘fucking agent’ and ‘Joe Pesci’s got the right fucking idea’.

House Of Gucci Is Now On General Release

THE ODD COUPLE REBOOT IS CONFIRMED

MOVIE NEWS – The long-mooted The Odd Couple reboot gets the green light after spending years in development hell. The Neil Simon classic comedy that originally starred Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau has a fresh script penned by Damien Chazelle and will be directed by Sofia Coppola. The Odd Couple reboot will star Lady Gaga and Adam Driver.

The Odd Couple Reboot Casting

Fans of the original Neil Simon comedy classic will be surprised to see Lady Gaga take on the Walter Matthau role. She will play Maddison Oscar, a divorced journalist enjoying the single life. Driver will play the Jack Lemmon role of Felix Unger, a sensitive soul who has just been dumped by his long-standing partner and is struggling to come to terms with single life. Maddison agrees against her better judgement to take in her best pal until he gets back on his feet. But there are hilarious consequences when chalk and cheese live together. The Exec spoke to Lady Gaga and Adam Driver about their new roles.

Lady Gaga And Adam Driver In The Odd Couple? How Did That Come About?

(AD) ‘We had such a blast working together on Ridley’s House Of Gucci, we knew we simply had to get together on a project as soon as possible.’ (LGG) – ‘Uh, yeah, I guess. The money was right, so I thought, fuck it. Why not?’

Adam, You’re Taking On The Jack Lemmon Role?

(AD) ‘That’s right. We thought it would be such a gosh-darned hoot if we played around with what everyone would expect. People think of me as a bit dour and straight-laced. But what if I played the more liberal-minded Felix role? Wouldn’t that be a whole heap of fun? (LGG) ‘Plus I found it so much easier acting like you constantly annoyed me. That just came real natural to me, you fucking douche-bag.’

I’m Sensing Some Friction Between The Two Of You?

(AD) ‘Oh, that’s nonsense, because we get on like a house on fire. Don’t we GeeGee? (LGG) ‘How many times have I told you not to FUCKING CALL ME THAT?’

The Odd Couple Reboot Starts Shooting In The New Year

RYAN REYNOLDS IS EXHAUSTING

Hollywood – The Studio Exec can reveal an open letter signed by dozens of Hollywood’s top movie stars will be published in various trade publications stating that Ryan Reynolds is exhausting. The letter is seen as an attempt by friends and loved ones of the Canadian movie star to just ‘give it a rest every now and then’. Not only does the letter state Ryan Reynolds is exhausting to be around but his constant meta commentary and breaking of fourth walls that aren’t there in real life is growing very thin.

Ryan Reynolds Is Exhausting

The Studio Exec can reveal extracts of the heart-breaking letter; “Dear Ryan, Please know that what we say in this letter comes from a place of love and support. We don’t mean to undermine you or make you feel bad. We all want you to be happy. But you will not find happiness with constant narration of your life to an audience that simply isn’t there.”

Dick Jokes

“You are more than tiny dick jokes, large dick jokes and knowing glances to a camera that isn’t there. Please remember that Ryan Reynolds is not a part to play. He is a man, a talented and funny man that can exist and thrive outside of staged Instagram spats with Hugh Jackman.”

You’re Not Deadpool

“The continual meta-commentary was kinda fun for a while in Deadpool and most of Deadpool 2. But it’s not a blueprint for real life. Ordering food in a restaurant takes hours with all of your cheeky asides over your shoulder. Don’t make us rethink the merits of what they did with your character in Wolverine: X-Men Origins.”

You’re Hurting Others

“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson appears to be going down the same road, having seen your schtick and thought, ‘Kerching!’ It’s only a matter of time before he starts breaking more and more fourth walls and flexing his eyebrows at us. Please Ryan, don’t let this happen.”

Red Notice, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard and Free Guy are separate films… apparently.

NIC CAGE INVESTMENT SCHOOL OPENS ONLINE

Advertisement – The Studio Exec is proud to endorse the Nic Cage Investment School as it opens for business online. Do you want to live like a movie star? Do you want to live in a fantasy world of outrageous extravagance that may or may not all come crashing down around your ears at any given moment? Then the Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) is the fun fiduciary finishing school for you.

 

Nic Cage Investment School (NCIS) – Kerching Baby!

For just one up-front fee of $500 and a further instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments) the NCIS will teach you the secrets of how to buy a fleet of sports cars you will never see in the flesh, let alone drive. Are you fed up with living in that spacious family home? THEN BUY A FUCKING ISLAND, LOSER. By investing in the Nic Cage Investment School, you will then be granted the golden key (not actual gold, with no monetary value whatsoever and is a choking hazard to those under the age of 10 and over the age of 65) to unlock the secrets to untold wealth and carefree living.

To Make Money, You Have To Spend Money 

With your one-off fee and instalment plan (a legally binding 4 year commitment of $200 per calendar month, your house will be used as collateral and will be under risk if you do not keep up repayments. And we are VERY litigious) Nic Cage will connect with you personally (personally means an online, non-responsive, animated figure of Nic, voiced by a third party) and teach you exactly how he made millions and millions of dollars. Then he will teach you how to disregard ‘advice’, ‘sincere warnings’ and ‘well-meaning interventions’ from management, family and trusted friends.

Quantity Is Quality

And The NCIS isn’t just about the good times. There is a very small chance (absolute certainty) the good times may catch you up. Your world may (will) come crashing down around you. But don’t fret, Nic will (wont) help you build your life and career back up again. He’ll teach you to take any shitty part that comes along, so long as it pays well.

The Nic Cage Investment School Is Open For Business Now

CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

 

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

QUENTIN TARANTINO DISAPPOINTED BY HAPPY FEET

HollywoodQuentin Tarantino Disappointed By Happy Feet. The Exec sat down with the maverick auteur in a series of exclusive interviews and one question we asked why was Quentin Tarantino disappointed by Happy Feet? 


Quentin Tarantino Disappointed By Happy Feet?

‘So there I was, years ago, having morning coffee with George Miller in the Beverly Wilshire. It must have been about 2006. And he starts to tell me he has a new film coming out and it’s called Happy Feet. I said to him ‘Stop talking right fucking now George. Don’t you say another word, I’m in. I gotta see this movie blind. I don’t wanna hear another fucking thing about it.’ I mean it was like fireworks going off in my head, but also in my pants.’

‘Private Screening’

‘I got George to send me over a print to my office so I could have, you know, a ‘private screening’. I get it all set up by myself. I’ve given everyone the afternoon off so I could really go to town on this sucker. I’ve got plenty of lotion and Cleenex and I’m sat down, ready to have my world rocked. And then the movie starts.’

What The Fuck Is This?

‘This fucking cutesy cartoon comes on. Fucking Penguins running around, dancing and fucking singing. No one even gets shot in the first reel. No one has any fucking toes. It’s all webbed feet and fucking dancing. What the actual shit? This is from the guy who made Mad Max. Where’s the fucking apocalyptic, steam-punks in leather chaps and S&M gear? It’s got the word feet in the title. Where’s Uma with her beautiful big toes?’

Not All Bad

‘Man, I was so frustrated after seeing that movie. It was around the time I was writing the final touches on my shooting script for Inglorious Basterds and so I just thought, fuck it. I’m gonna shoot Hitler in the face. And a movie moment was born. True story.’

More From Our Exclusive Tarantino Conversation Soon

DEAN CAIN SUPERMAN RANT IGNORED BY ALL

BREAKING NEWS – Yet another Dean Cain Superman rant has been ignored by everyone. The latest Dean Cain Superman rant came in the wake of the news that Action Comics’ new Superman has a bi-sexual son. As the 90s TV Superman shouted at passers-by about bandwagons while sat on his ‘garden sofa’, his microwave dinner for one pinged in readiness to be devoured in front of Dean’s favorite ‘TV stories’.

Dean Cain Superman Rant Not The First

Cain, who now lives in Topeka, Kansas because ‘those Westboro Baptist folks are just so warm-hearted and Christian-like’ will be found regularly writhing around on a couch on his front lawn. There he yells at anyone who will listen about all manner of subjects from Gays, Lesbians to ‘them there Bi-Sexuals’. There, Dean will happily share a beer with you, as long as ‘you ain’t one of them pinko Democrat fags’. As you sup on his luke-warm Buds, he’ll tell you how he was once Superman.

‘I Was Once Superman… Once’

He’ll tell you how he was better than Christopher Reeve and especially better than ‘that fucking Brandon Routh who broke God’s laws by appearing on that god-damned anti-Christian Will & Grace’. Whereas he just played an alien from a faraway planet with superpowers, which is ‘totally in the Bible and everything’.

Is It A Bird, Is It A Plane? No It’s A Right-Wing Bigot!

If you’re lucky he’ll just fall asleep after a hectic day’s hatin’. Or he’ll go inside to catch up on repeats of Highway To Heaven. If you get him on a bad day, Dean will go and get his old Superman costume. It’s got a real badly worn crotch. He’ll then start zooming around the garden. Just keep your fingers crossed that crotch doesn’t give way yet again, exposing his ‘Little Jimmy Olsen and Lex Luthers’.

Dean Will No Doubt Appear On Fox News Again Shortly

MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

REVIEW: NO TIME TO DIE

REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.

No Time To Die

Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.

No Time To Eye-Eye

The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.

No Time To I-Spy

The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.

Dr No Character Development

The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.

No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You

DARREN ARONOFSKY DIRECTING CLIPPY BIOPIC

BREAKING NEWS – The Studio Exec goes on set with Darren Aronofsky directing Clippy The Movie. We managed to catch up with the Requiem For A Dream and Mother! writer / director to get the latest on his new project. With Darren Aronofsky directing Clippy The Movie, we find out what drew him to this surprising project.

Darren Aronofsky Directing Clippy? Thanks For Taking Time Out To Talk With The Exec

To be honest, I’m glad to have something else to do. I’m just sat there on set, twiddling my fucking thumbs.

Why Is That?

We decided to make Clippy a combination of stop-animation and CGI. There’s fuck-all for me to do. It’s just people running around with green body-suits on and plasticine. Actually, it’s kinda sexy, now I think about it.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Movie?

Yeah, why not? Who Cares? It tells the story of Clippy. Everyone over the age of 35 will remember that little motherfucker popping up on your computer and saying, ‘It looks like you’re trying to write a letter. Would you like some help?’ It’s a story about someone compelled to just be annoying because he’s constantly shunned for mansplaining every time he opens his mouth. It’s a story about toxic masculinity that leads him down a path of alienation and self-destruction. If you think The Wrestler meets Requiem For A Dream, but set in an animated kids world, you can’t go far wrong.

Jesus.

Yeah, he’s also in it. The main part of the film tells the story we all know. But then, things get really fucked up and trippy in the last third of the movie. You know, like they did in Mother! There’s all sorts of creepy, pseudo-religious images because Clippy is wandering the digital wastelands. He’s searching for redemption and meaning in his now redundant life. It’s an age old tale. I guess we all grow old and insignificant and because of that, we assign meaning where there isn’t any. It’s like T.S Eliot said, ‘I will show you meaning in a handful of dust.’

You Kinda Lost Me There?

Look, just plug the fucking movie, because it’s got loads of CGI shenanigans going on. Think Wallace and Gromit meets Angel Heart with a bit of Tron thrown in and you’re basically there.

Clippy The Movie Is Due To Be Released Next Year