HOLLYWOOD – After months of negotiation Shame (2011) and Prometheus (2012) star Michael Fassbender has signed on to play Rocky’s original nemesis Apollo Creed A.K.A The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, The Dancing Destroyer, and The Count of Monte Fisto.

The movie – Assassins Creed – is the story of an ex-heavyweight boxing champion who is transported back to Renaissance Italy and is press ganged into becoming the leader of an elite bunch of Assassins.
Directed by Len Wiseman and due for release in 2013. Assassins Creed is yet another brave departure in Fassbender’s short but prolific career and we caught up with him on the set of Ridley Scott‘s The Counsellor(2013) to ask about his daring role.
Mr Fassbender. Can I call you Michael?

You certainly can Sir.
Cool. So Michael you’ve signed up to play Apollo Creed in Assassin’s Creed. What drew you to the part?

Well I’m a big fan of the Rocky series and I’ve always thought Apollo was a strong, charismatic character and he deserved his own spin-off.
I see. Don’t take this the wrong way but Carl Weathers, who originally played Apollo, is black and you are white.

(Laughing)I noticed that yes.
So I assume you will require heavy make-up in order to perform the role. Are you worried about any controversy that might arise?

Not at all. I think Robert Downey Jnr’s character in Tropic Thunderopened the floodgates and the idea of a white guy playing a black guy will not cause so much of a stir these days.
Still, you would have thought they would have hired a black actor to play the role.

Surely you aren’t advocating a studio discriminates against an actor on account of his race? I can’t help being white. I was born white and that shouldn’t hinder my career in any way.
Fine. Ok Michael that will do. Thanks for the 

Wait a minute
Sorry. Did you have anything to add?

Aren’t you forgetting something?
I don’t think so

You haven’t asked about my (He whistles and points to his crotch)
Er…to be honest I didn’t even consider raising the subject.

It’s really that big you know. There was no camera trickery in SHAME or anything like that.
Er..good for you I suppose.

Do you want to see it?
I’m good thanks but I appreciate the offer.

I can just whip it out now for you. A quick flash it would be no problem.
It’s a kind gesture Michael but I really have to go I’m late for an appointment.

Oh no bother. Next time then. Thanks for the Interview.
Assassin’s Creed will be released in 2013.


Mr Franco, or may I call you Jim?

Yeah man, yeah whatever.

Fine. Jim, your new film Oz: The Great and Powerful is due for release next year. Can you tell me the story of how you got involved in the project?

Nah Man. I’d rather talk about the album I’m working on. It’s all about the music.

Oh ok. I didn’t know you were working on an album.

Yeah Man I’ve got this song called ‘Lard Finger’. It’s jazz baby. For the ages.

I see. Tell me about about the song

Yeah man sure. Well you see I was making some pie cases and as I was mixing the pastry and stuff, when I noticed a big blob of lard had stuck to my finger.

Amazing…which finger was it if you don’t mind be asking?

Well it was this finger…the one with the lard on it.

I see…so you still have the lard on the finger?.

Yeah man, I didn’t want to wash it off, I thought it might be unlucky or something.

I understand. So how long has the blob of lard been attached to your finger?

About 2 months. No, 2 and a half months. Do you mind if I smoke?

No, not at all. So how did the Lard inspire you to create the song?

James has problems holding the cigarette due to the lard on the finger

Ah shit man. 

Might I suggest you use your left hand.

Yeah Yeah, good idea.

So the inspiration?

Well I was looking at this lard on my finger and I started thinking to myself, what could I do with a finger of lard? Then in a flash, these lyrics came to me and I just had to write them down.

So you wrote all the lyrics down there and then?

Well no, I wanted to write them down but it’s a bit hard to hold a pen, what with the lard on my finger and all. so I phoned Greasy Bill from the band and he came over and wrote them for me.

Mind blowing stuff. Can you give us a taste of the lyrics?

Yeah sure I’ve got them in my pocket. You read them.

I’ve got Lard on my finger                

I don’t mind if she’s a Ginger        
If she lets me stick it in her. 

I’ve got lard on my finger
With my finger I’ll syringe her
Lard, Lard,Lard, Lard

Oh Sweet Lard

Yeah man. Well read.

Thanks. So you’re obviously not afraid to be sexually provocative?

No man..I believe in freedom of expression. There are no boundaries only walls.

Indeed. Can we expect a similar theme from the rest of the album tracks?

Some are like the single, but other ones are a bit political, protest songs you know? Like something Dylan or Sting might write.

Can you give us a few examples?

Yeah…there’s er, ‘Dropped my doughnut’, ‘Microwave bacon’, ‘Cheese & onion pasty’ and ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’…that’s the political song.

Interesting, what’s the concept behind ‘Scotland is full of Monkeys’? 

Well l had this dream Scotland had been taken over by these Monkeys, they had like houses made of bananas and stuff and in this dream I was a Roman soldier on Hadrians Wall..and they were trying to get over the wall and take over England but I was fighting them off with a machine gun. It was a weird dream man.

And in what way is it political. Can you sing us a few lines?

Yeah..no problem.

James coughs and splutters.

I don’t normally do acapella so this might be a bit rusty.

No problem

Here come the monkeys
with their haggis and their heather
Here come the monkeys so lets
fight and stand together.
Here come the monkeys
in their tartan and their skirts.
Here come the monkeys
Let me shoot the monkey first

It sounds better with with instruments and stuff but you get the idea

I think I do…it’s about immigration right?

No man….it’s about saving the environment.

Saving the environment from Scottish Monkeys?

Yeah…see..you got it.

It seems I have. Well we are out time for today. Jim, it’s been a pleasure.

Yeah man cool, I enjoyed it. Put it there.

We shake hands.

Aw damn man. I forgot about the lard.

No problem, I’ll wash it off later.


LONDON – Sacha Baron Cohen has come out today and explicitly denied that he is in fact Mitt Romney.

‘I am not Mitt Romney,’ he said reading from a prepared statement via satellite phone. ‘I am not pretending to be a character named Mitt Romney, a buffoonish right winger who keeps dropping hilarious clangers. This is not a character who will appear in my new movie Mitt Romney: Borat Comes Home, in cinemas nationwide from March 2013. That is all I have to say.’

Cohen – famous for his outrageous satirical creations such as Borat, Ali G and Bruno – has more recently appeared in less prank-style and more conventional features such as Hugo and The Dictator. However, rumors spread that he was preparing a return to the punk’d territory with which he made his name when some people noted that Mitt Romney’s head looked like it was being worn by a comic actor who was uttering the most laughable bile. 

Following a series of gaffs – something about Libya and something else about people who are so stupid that they don’t even have one million dollars – the rumours began to be taken more seriously. Larry David – a keen Cohen fan – said today ‘It’s obvious that this is Sacha. In a way I’m a little disappointed. I expect a little bit more subtlety from the man.’

“Mitt Romney” refused to comment.


NEW ZEALANDPeter Jackson stirred up controversy earlier today when he insisted that his new film The Hobbit could be split into as many as four films.

‘There is a lot of material in the appendices,’ he said. ‘And the fact is I really need a new house.’

Speaking from his mansion outside Wellington, he clarified, ‘Well, I say need, it’s more that I want. I really want a new house. Some people are bound to say aren’t the houses you already have enough, but I say (with all due respect) Extended Edition bitches.’

Mr. Jackson’s Hobbit films – the first of which An Unexpected Journey is due to be released in December – have already caused some controversy after reports leaked to The Studio Exec that Jackson had abandoned forced perspective and CGI techniques to reproduce the hobbits’ and dwarfs’ diminished stature and was resorting to a technique he was calling ‘aesthetic amputation’.

This procedure apparently involves the amputation of the leg just below the knee and the attaching of large hairy prosthetic feet. Martin Freeman, who plays Bilbo Baggins, refused to comment on the rumours though he did remark that Mr. Jackson was keeping all the feet he had collected in a large fridge and had promised to return them in time for Sherlock Season 3.


I must have been 3 years old when I saw my first film—some bullshit about a talking rodent—ever since then I’ve been involved in one way or another with what we generously call the business, or showbiz for those who prefer to drink champagne out of fluted glasses. 

I’ve been working on entertaining you assholes like it was a cure for cancer. I’ve given up all my dreams in making your dreams come true. There isn’t anybody who isn’t somebody who wasn’t a nobody who I made into a somebody and anybody who tells you different is a nobody.

Who told Stanley ‘the elevator doors opening are creepy but what if they were full of something? Blood maybe?’ ME

Who told JCVD post-modern irony is in, ‘look what it did for Arnie in The Last Action Hero’? ME

Who gave Michael Bay his Big Boy’s Book of Explosions and Homophobia for his 8th birthday? ME

Who told George Lucas that 1930s racial stereotypes were HI-Larious? ME

Who introduced Lindsay Lohan to the works of Jacques Derrida? ME, no wait. Actually that was Charlie Sheen.

I partied with Kubrick; got rat arsed with Malick on Jaegermeister and ate pot noodles with Mikey Caine. So for all the inside gossip, the green lights, the sequels, the remakes, the reboots, the franchises, the scandal and hoopla, this is the only blog you’ll ever need. You can also follow me on twatter. 


HOLLYWOOD – Veteran film actor and director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning at an IKEA store in Northern California.

Staff who witnessed ‘the man with no name’ star, said he appeared to be confused and Captain Arsens of the Carmel Sheriff’s Office said that Mr. Eastwood had made inappropriate comments and then actions to a POANG blond wood chair footstool combination with optional leather cushioning  which sells at the price of $89.
Staff were alerted by customers that the 82 year old was scaring children who in turn called the police when the Where Eagles Dare star refused to desist and became agitated.
Store Manager, Boris Offly, stated:
I knew he was Dirty Harry, but I didn’t know he was this dirty.
A spokesperson for Mr. Eastwood said the Invictus director had been behaving erratically recently, even going so far as to endorse ‘some Mormon or other’ for the US presidency.
Clint Eastwood’s new film Trouble with the Curve will be released later this month. Mr Eastwood himself should be released later today.