MOVIE RUN TIMES WILL BE REGULATED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the announcement for the run time of the upcoming The Batman at just short of 3 hours, federal lawmakers have stepped in to put a stop to this ass-numbing madness. Movie run times will be regulated by a centralized federal task force as of September 2023 called the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T.

Holy Numb Butt Batman!

The announcement of the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T will have editorial powers over all movies released in the United States of America. They will be tasked with ensuring no movie exceeds the allocated permitted run time for that genre of film.

Movie Run Times Will Be Cut Short

The whole system will classify each movie into a specific genre or classification. These will include: Comic Book Adaptation, Non-Comic Book, Children’s Animation, Fancy Foreign Animation and Smart-Ass Independent will be just a few of the classifications. Each classification will be granted a maximum run time. Therefore, if a film is classified as Comic Book Adaptation, for example, they will not be allowed to run over 90 minutes long. This would include credits and post credits scenes.

F.A.R.T Tightens Things Up

The F.A.R.T chairperson, Jessica Felch stated, ‘We at F.A.R.T are proud to be doing America a big solid. We’ll ensure the butts of this great nation will no longer be numbed in the name of entertainment and studio greed. F.A.R.T will make sure all films are correctly classified and assigned an audience appropriate run time.’

Holy Boredom Batman!

‘These Marvel and DC fat cats will never afflict us with 4 hours of slow motion rain ever again. They can’t force us into watching Eternals stare at each other on beaches for hours on end. This madness must and will stop.’

Metropol-

‘We will cut classic films also. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis will end with all those extras drowning in the streets, just as Fritz wanted it. The Longest Day will be retitled to The Day. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League, well that will still be a turd nobody could ever polish clean.’

The Federal Arbitrator for Run Times Comes Into Power Next September

OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

JOSS WHEDON TO DIRECT HORRIBLE BOSSES 3

HOLLYWOOD – In the publicity wake of his interview where he spoke out against accusations of bullying and abuse, Joss Whedon is to direct Horrible Bosses 3. The Avengers and Buffy helmer has announced he will be writing the script based on his own ‘experiences’. The Exec sat down to talk with the controversial director about his latest project.

Joss Whedon To Direct Horrible Bosses 3? How did that come about?

If you print anything bad about me, I’ll destroy whatever pathetic career you have. Got it?

Woah There Joss! I Just Asked You A Civil Question.

What? Oh, you must have mis-heard me. I didn’t say anything bad. I guess it’s understandable, English isn’t your first language.

Yes It Is. I’m English. It’s The Only Language I Speak.

I’ll speak slowly so you understand, comprende? What a f**king idiot. Who thought it was a good idea for you to interview me?

I Can Understand Every Word You’re Saying Joss. And It’s Recording. I Can Play It Back To You.

You didn’t say this was going to be recorded, you devious hack. What kind of game are you playing here?

I’m Trying To Interview You. Of Course It’s Recorded. I Want To Ask You About Horrible Bosses 3.

That? I don’t where they got the idea I would be suitable to write and direct this but I’ll give it a go. I’m just going to write about all the times I’ve ever had healthy disagreements with actors. It’ll be really funny. I’ll write about how funny it is when I threaten their careers, shout them down on set in front of the whole crew. I’ll show that really I’m just a good guy who has been misunderstood. Misunderstood by pretty much everyone I’ve ever worked with. They all think I’m an asshole.

Who Are You Going To Cast?

To be honest with you, I’m having trouble getting in touch with actors and their management. They’re all real busy I guess as they never return any of my calls. How crazy is that?

‘Horrible Bosses 3: Aint I A Stinker’ Is Currently In Development

ANDERSON WILL DIRECT AYOADE IN QUIRKMAGEDDON

MOVIE NEWS – The king of whimsy has shelved plans for another Roald Dahl movie in favor of a more personal project. Wes Anderson will direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon, which will be a meta-documentary or ‘documetary’ as Anderson insists on calling it. We caught up with the auteur of aloof Anderson, to discuss this latest project.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade? How Did That Happen?

Yo listen up Miles. I is gonna throw fo sho truth bombs at ya. Know what I’m saying? I was just chillin’ and illin’ with my man Murray B and he was all up in ma grill. ‘He was like, ‘Yo yo W-A-W-A’, he calls me that. It stands for Wes Anderson With Attitude. He said, ‘Look man, word on the street is yo trippin’ with another R Dahl joint, know what I’m saying?’ And then he’s all, ‘Don’t be messin’ with all that shizzle, bro. Meta is where it’s at mofo.’

I See

Fuckin’ A bro. That’s right, ya dig? My main man Billy Mur-ray had my back. He was like, ‘Don’t be messin’ with that British shizzle. You gots to keep it fresh, wicki-wicki-wa-waa.’ And then it hit me like a bolt of electric. I could see the future man. It was meta. I had to make a documentary about not making no Roald Dahl piece of shit. But it’s meta documentary, a documetary! Man, sometimes I amaze even myself, you know what I’m saying?

 

How Did Richard Ayoade Become Involved?

He’s the coolest kid on the block man. He’s the whack-daddy. You know what I’m saying? I mean, I can’t understand a fucking word that comes outta his mouth, you know what I’m saying? He’s all, quirky this and quirky that. Look at my corduroys man. It’s sexy as shit, you know what I’m saying? Imagine him, my man Billy Mur-ray and that goofy fuckin kid Chalamet all in the same movie. Damn man, that is some fried chicken movie heaven right there.

Wes Anderson Will Direct Ayoade in Quirkmageddon Soon.

NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

CHARLIE SHEEN TIGER KING AUDITION – ‘ERRATIC’

With the Joe Exotic dramatization soon to stream on NBC’s service Peacock, details have leaked about others who auditioned for the lead role. An insider at NBC has confirmed the Charlie Sheen Tiger King audition was ‘erratic’ at best. We spoke to a NBC insider about the now infamous Charlie Sheen Tiger King audition.

What Can You Tell Us About The Charlie Sheen Tiger King Audition?

It was the damnedest thing I’d ever seen. He came staggering in through the doors talking real loud on the phone to his agent. He was yelling about his residuals for The Wraith Part 3, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist. And he kept changing the name of who he was speaking to and what language he was speaking in. It was fucking bizarre.

Perhaps He Was Trying To Make An Impression?

He sure did that. He carried on with the ‘call’ for about five minutes. But then with no warning, he threw what turned out to be a plastic phone right at my head. Luckily it missed and smashed against the wall behind me. He laughed, took a bow and said, “Aaaaaand scene! How about that for acting? I don’t even have an agent, she fired me months ago.”

That Sounds Pretty Weird

That aint the half of it. He was dressed in a scruffy purple suit with a green waistcoat. His hair was also dyed green and he had smudged white face paint and smeared lipstick on his mouth. I said to him, “Charlie, I think you may be a bit confused. We’re auditioning for Joe King, not The Jo-ker.” And he stared back at me like I was an idiot. “What the fuck are you talking about? I know this is for the part of Joe King. This is what I always wear to auditions, ever since The Wraith back in the 80s. It’s my lucky suit.” I then said to him, “But what about the makeup?”

And…?

Do you know what that crazy motherfucker did then? He walked over to the window, looked at his reflection and studied his face, real close. About a minute later he said in all sincerity, “What makeup?” He then made ringing noises and mimed taking a phone out of his pocket. He apologized and said he had to take this and walked out of the room. We never saw him again.

Jesus.

You said it man. I keep my doors double bolted at night now. Crazy fucker scared the shit out of me.

JOE EXOTIC STREAMS ON NBC’S PEACOCK CHANNEL SOON

PETER JACKSON’S MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR WILL BE 10 HOURS

WELLINGTON – Get Back director Peter Jackson signs on to direct Magical Mystery Tour.

Magical Mystery Tour disappointed many Beatles fans on its release in 1967. Following the success of Get Back, Peter Jackson announced yesterday that his follow up is a reimagining and re-editing of the film. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Jackson had this to say:

The tragedy of Magical Mystery Tour is that the album has so many great songs. There’s the title track of course. But you also have Penny Lane, I Am the Walrus…

Fool on the Hill.

No, I hate Fool on the Hill. Anyway, we have all these wonderful songs and then this film that by comparison doesn’t stand up.

So what are you going to do?

This film was the first time the public didn’t respond well to the Beatles. And yet they shot over ten hours of footage. Now, imagine how great when I remaster and digitally fix all that footage and edit it together. It’ll be amazing.

How long will your film be?

Ten hours. Obviously.

The film tells the story of the Fab Four as they take a tour on a psychedelic bus with Ivor Cutler and other guests along for the ride. Initially shown on Boxing Day in black and white by the BBC, it did not receive a warm reception. John Lennon blamed the BBC but many saw Paul McCartney as the culprit. The film credits the Beatles as writers and directors, as well as starring in the film and providing the music.

Peter Jackson’s Magical Mystery Tour will be on Disney+

MOONFALL IS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Destroyer of worlds Roland Emmerich has confirmed his new apocalyptic movie, Moonfall is about climate change. The Independence Day director sat down with The Studio Exec to talk about his new blockbuster starring Halle Berry & Patrick Wilson and why Moonfall is really about climate change.

Roland, Can You Tell Us Anything About Your New Film?

Yeah, sure I can. It’s called Moonfall and it’s about the Moon falling out of orbit and on a direct course to hit the Earth. And not just a glancing blow. I mean, destroying the whole f**king world. And then Halle Berry teams up with oil rig worker, Bruce Willis and a bearded Leonardo Dicaprio to save us all. Maximillian Schell is on a beach and Nic Cage keeps having premonitions, or something.

I Think You May Be Mixing Up Your Apocalypses There

Am I? Does it matter when we’re all going to die in a few weeks’ time anyway? Look, the real point of it all is that the movie isn’t about the Moon or space missions. It’s all about climate change. It’s pretty obvious when you stop and think about it.

Can You Elaborate On That?

No problem. We’re all helpless to stop this thing happening, and it’s our own fault. We brought this on ourselves. Just like climate change.

Moonfall Is About Climate Change?

Umm, well not directly, I guess. Or possibly even at all. But the way I see it, if Adam McKay hadn’t played the old climate change card, nobody would even be talking about his f**king film, let alone watching it. So this is my first film all about climate change. It’s really exciting to deal with a new subject, a global concern if you like. We’re all scared about this, apart from those climate change denying assholes, but f**k them. I wanted to talk about this in the best way I know how, and that was by threatening to kill billions of people. It makes such a refreshing change to tackle this subject in one of my movies.

Didn’t You Already Do That With The Day After Tomorrow?

Wait. What? Oh. Shit.

 

Moonfall Is Released In February

The Queen – Top Five Films

Exclusive – The Queen – Top Five Films. The Studio Exec sat down with Liz Regina to talk about her love of movies, revealing The Queen’s top Five Films. 



The Queen – Top Five Films – 1: Flesh Gordon

“I told that mouthy sod, Brian Blessed that I loved Flesh Gordon, not Flash Gordon. Perhaps he would’ve heard me if he could keep his mouth shut for longer than a second. Why would he think I’d like a film about an out of date monarch who is overthrown by his subjects and a bloody asylum seeker? I’ve always loved 80s soft porn. So, back in the day, I would send Phillip, gawd bless him, out to the video shop down the road from Horse Guard’s Parade to rent it for me. In his name, naturally. One does have one’s reputation to maintain, you know.”

The Queen – Top Five Films – 2: 120 Days Of Sodom

“Whenever one needs cheering up or could just do with a damned good laugh, we throw this beauty on. It’s about these jolly aristocrats with a terrific sense of humor who play all sorts of pranks and jokes on these lower class youths. It’s like Jackass, but with more shit being eaten by the working classes… hilarious!”

3: The Pope Must Die

“It’s a firm family favorite, because of the title alone. After I’ve done the speech on Christmas Day, we all settle down for this hilarious fantasy. If only, eh?”

4: The Queen

“It’s all about a terrible time in one’s life when one was played by that dreadful West End bohemian, Helen Mirren. Because I didn’t shoot a stag, it means I’m really a decent person and everybody loves one.”

5: Lolita

“I never used to see what my middle son Andrew, saw in the film, but I’ve caught him watching it countless times. It must be very funny, because he always has sweat running down his big red face whenever one walks in on him watching it.”

So gawd bless her, cor blimey, watcher guv.

THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS EXPLAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Have you recently watched The Matrix Resurrections and was left thinking what the f**k was that all about? Never fear, The Studio Exec is here to guide you through the plot and events of the latest instalment in this binary baffling blockbuster franchise. So sit back, relax and take your red pill while we explain The Matrix Resurrections.

The Matrix Resurrections Explained

Ok, right. Where do we start? Neo isn’t dead and he’s back in The Matrix, only this time he’s the creator of The Matrix. No, wait, that’s not right. Let’s go back to the start. There’s a replay of the opening scenes from the original Matrix movie. But it’s not Trinity, well it kind of is but isn’t. And Agent Smith isn’t Agent Smith, but he kind of is. And then Morpheus isn’t Morpheus, but he kind of is… but isn’t. And they don’t need landlines anymore to get out, but do they? Are you following this so far? It’s really quite simple.

Woah Dude!

So Neo isn’t Neo anymore, he’s back to being Mr Anderson, but this time, there’s been a massive reboot deal kind of thing and now he wrote the original Matrix along with some really lazily written ‘gamer types’ because that’s not who this film is for anymore.

My Blue Pill Heaven

The Matrix is now for people in their 40s and 50s. They fill the massive child-shaped gap in their lives with ‘articles of truth’ that can only be found on Facebook and shitty parts of Twitter. They’ll happily explain to you how we’re all controlled by the ‘liberal mass media’. And The Matrix is a metaphor for this. They’ll usually be found at your cousin’s party (a friend of a friend, but nobody ever admits to directly being their friend) in the kitchen, opening everyone’s eyes and ignoring the knowing glances being exchanged by anyone who can hear the bullshit coming from them. But back to The Matrix Resurrections.

Café Neo

There’s a great deal of coffee drunk, longing stares and backwards looks while we all wait for the McGuffin to kick in and we can start watching them hammer the shit out of everything. Thankfully, there’s no 20 minute dance sequences in this one and this is more meta than an Interdimensional Cable episode of Rick and Morty. But beware, there’s no Ball Fondlers.

Fight Or Flight?

But then there’s a thing they have to fight for, and so begins all the Kapow! Thwap! Bang! Brum-bruuuum! And somehow there’s suicide bombers and lots of bullet time with Neo endlessly holding back bullets. The ending plays like a cross between the endings of Thelma and Louise and The Blues Brothers. And then that’s it. We wait for the numbers to kick in, to see if it’s worth making another or just flog it to death on next-gen consuls. Oh, I nearly forgot, who the f**k did that Rage Against The Machine cover at the end? If ever there was a reason to take the blue pill, that was it.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Currently In Cinemas

GET BACK 2 – PLEASE F*CK OFF GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – After the runaway success of Peter Jackson’s Get Back Beatles documentary, Disney have announced a sequel entitled Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off and has already started filming. This time around Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off will be a docu-drama based on The Smith’s ex frontman and erotic fiction author, Morrissey. The film is being directed by Shane Meadows and stars Paddy Considine in the lead role. The Exec spoke with Meadows about his latest project.

Shane, Please Tell Us About Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off

Peter (Jackson) called me up and said that Disney were driving truck after truck of money up his drive in an effort to get a sequel to Get Back. He didn’t want to helm it and thought my northern English roots made me the perfect choice to direct what is essentially a Morrissey biopic.

Has Morrissey Been Involved In This Project?

F*ck no! We wouldn’t let him anywhere near a Disney project. In fact we don’t even the rights to use any of his music, solo or with The Smiths. He refused. But to be honest, we kinds think that’s a good thing. Have you ever heard him? Jesus Christ, what a noise.

So You’re Not A Morrissey Fan?

Is anyone these days? Even if you were, you wouldn’t admit it. You’d be cancelled in seconds. But seriously, no I’m not. Just because I’m from that Manchester generation of creatives, doesn’t automatically make me a Morrissey disciple, all that warbling and jangling. Don’t hang the DJ, tell him to turn it up so we can’t hear any more from that insufferable bore.

How Close Have You Stuck To A True Story?

Oh, not all. We’ve really gone for ‘dramatic license’. Paddy is doing a marvelous job playing Morrissey as the tormented inventor of the British invasion to the States and Tom Hardy plays Johnny Marr like a cross between Keith Richards and George Best. It’s gonna be a real hatchet job. We’re gonna get sued by everyone, but thankfully it’s a Disney gig, so they can pay for lawyers.

Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off Is Due For Release In Early 2022

SANTA PICKS HIS FEET IN POUGHKEEPSIE

EDITORIAL – Santa picks his feet in Poughkeepsie. Which is exactly why William Friedkin’s The French Connection is a better Christmas movie than Die Hard. Everyone talks about Die Hard as being the first action Christmas movie. But Friedkin’s The French Connection is also a great Christmas movie as well as a balls to the wall action thriller. And Santa picks his feet in Poughkeepsie in it. What more do you want?

Here’s Why The French Connection Is A Christmas Movie

It’s obvious when you think about it. The whole film is about a friendly man with a beard from far, far away trying to bring presents to everyone in America. What could be more festive than that? Nothing, that’s what. It’s got more festive spirit than some f*cking Coca-Cola truck trying to force sugar down the necks of already morbidly obese children.

Santa Picks His Feet In Poughkeepsie

The film also boasts cuddly Gene Hackman playing everyman racist, Popeye Doyle. Popeye even dresses up as Santa to surprise one of his friends as part of a jolly Christmas prank. Once he’s caught up with his buddy, they share a laugh and a joke about picking their feet in Poughkeepsie. This scene is full of festive cheer as they giggle and prance through the junk-strewn waste grounds of New York, avoiding the used needles and rats as they go. Ho-ho-ho!

Father Christmas Has Happy Little Elves

But Fernando Rey’s real Santa isn’t working on his own. He has his happy little elves in the shape of New York mob goodfella, Sal Boca and mysterious, psychotic hitman Pierre Nicoli. With lots of hard work, they want to help Santa distribute little presents in nickel and dime bags to all the happy children of New York who have been good this year. And luckily for them, Popeye ‘Grinch’ Doyle is a lousy shot.

Next – Why The French Connection II Is An Easter Movie About The Resurrection

LEONARDO DICAPRIO COLONOSCOPY NFT FLOP

HOLLYWOOD – As news breaks of the Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT prices flopping, it has led many to speculate the bottom has fallen out of the market. The auction held at Christie’s of the Leonardo DiCaprio colonoscopy NFTs was expected to fetch exorbitant prices. But even the most revealing shots went for only ‘a couple of bucks a piece’ according to a Christie’s spokesperson.

Leonardo DiCaprio Colonoscopy NFT Going Cheap

Auction goers were shocked to see hardly any interest in the NFTs of the Inception and Titanic star. An insider told The Exec, ‘It was meant to be a chance for DiCaprio’s fans the world around to get to know him inside out. In an ideal world, he would want all his young fans to know him this well personally. But there’s only so much of Leo to go around. That’s why we were so shocked when nobody paid through the ass for his ass.’

WTF Is A NFT?

For those of you who are behind with the times or just too poor to care and have actual problems to deal with, NFT stands for Non-Fungible Token. It pretty much means it’s a unique piece of digital macguffinary, a whodgiemaflip and flibberty-gibbert. It’s temporarily better than a Bitcoin because trust fund idiots will pay a great deal more for them. Or at least they did until now.

DiCaprio’s Ass Bubble Digitally Bursts

With DiCaprio’s colonoscopy NFTs failing to raise any interest and more importantly, money for the star, many are speculating this digital bubble has burst. Like Bitcoins, Celebrity Nudes and Tamagotchis, these once treasured digital phenomena have been consigned to the tech scrapheap. Nobody gives a digital shit anymore.

Return Of DiCap

But this latest setback isn’t deterring Hollywood from trying to squeeze every last digital dime out of us salivating canine consumers yet. DiCaprio’s people have just announced a new line of HFTs – Highly-Fungible Tokens. These will be pieces of digital art you and your billionaire buddies will be able to buy, at a premium, of course. They will then only exist for a very short time before they self-destruct. And cue the Lalo Schifrin Mission Impossible theme.

DiCaprio’s HFTs Will Be Available Online Shortly

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME CONFIRMED BY MARVEL

BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.

Spiderman No Place Like Home

The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.

Oh Boy

By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.

The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West

But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.

Bonophobia

The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS