HONG KONG – SMASH: Godzillas coming through an underwater vagina threaten the world with Roland Emmerich movies: CRASH: The last chance for humanity, a bunch of Transformers, sponsored by Jaegermeister and driven by two 3D characters pretending to have emotional back stories and playing Just Dance on Wii. BOOM!

Guillermo del Toro splashes down (SHHHWAAHAHHHSHSHHTHUUUMMMMMMMMCRKKKLLLINKKLELELELLssss) with the latest Summer blockbuster. It’s loud not just because of the FTTHHSHTUNK of warring giant robots and monsters but also with the sound of orgasmic cries from the fan boy community. Sure, it’s a hell of a lot better than Michael Bay, but that bar is so low you could probably get over it just by sliding. 
The film is fun, brainless nonsense with a ‘don’t think about it too hard’ premise, cheerfully ticking all the cliché boxes almost as if it was honour bound to do so – the rousing speech, the hard ass boss, the maverick who doesn’t obey orders, and the ethnic stereotypes. But the action is well done, the spectacle spectacular. There’s the occasional flash of wit though the broader comedy falls flatter than some of the crushed cars, such as the comedy scientists who look exactly like empty shapes in the script with ‘add comedy here’ written on them in pencil. 

A noisy exercise in the city smash/giant robots hitting monsters genre that gives its target audience exactly what they want: the fantasy that some day they’ll save the Earth because of their gaming skills. 

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