OSCARS TO BE DECIDED BY THE WEINSTEINS IN FUTURE

Chad Sternberger Dec 5, 2013

HOLLYWOOD – Next year’s Academy Awards – or Oscars as they prefer to be known – will adopt a new system to decide winners, replacing the outdated voting system currently in place with one in which Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally decide everything.

Awards expert Billy Bathtub said:

The new system is going to be not so much a revolution as an evolution, kind of what already happens, but formally recognized.

Some have argued that the system is a betrayal of the democratic process, but they have been told to shut their fat mouths if they don’t want their asses sued. Oscar winners Quentin Tarantino and Gwyneth Paltrow rushed to defend the new system: ‘It will be fairer-er,’ they said in unison.

The Studio Exec also believes the new system to be advantageous for many reasons, but primarily because Bob and Harvey Weinstein are very scary men with big fat money. The ceremony this year will hosted by Billy Crystal who will beat Seth McFarlane to death with a huge ceramic boob in a tribute to A Clockwork Orange and women everywhere.

The Oscars will be broadcast in February, 2014.