Friday 4 December 2020
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 The 2013 Academy Awards was cancelled this morning after a poll by the New York Times suggested that 99.92798 % of the population of the world will not be watching the ceremony.

“There’s just no point,” said Indonesian Fisherman Bangbam Pomona.

I’ve got to be up early to catch fish and sure, I’d let my family starve for a day if it was going to be a close run contest but is it really worth my nine children’s tears to see Argo sweep the board?

Film fan and Chinese sweatshop worker Xian Xing has also decided to give the show a miss this year.

I haven’t missed an Oscar ceremony in 36 years but Sunday’s show just doesn’t excite me. Back in 1997 my boss wouldn’t give me the day off to watch it unless I gave him my right kidney. I agreed of course and truth be told the procedure was more painful then I had been led to believe but it was worth the subsequent decades of bowel failure and spirit crushing agony just to watch James Cameron win Best  Director for Titanic.

Meanwhile in the Middle East, officials have decided to cancel the traditional Oscar ceasefire between Israel and Palestine.

“We weighed up the pro’s and con’s,” said Israeli Minister Gill Gurion

“In the end it came down to a simple question. Do we spend the evening ethnically cleansing the West Bank or watch four hours of Seth MacFarlane doing stupid voices?”

Ben Affleck is said to be devastated that he won’t get the opportunity to deliver his acceptance speeches but the executive producer of Argo George Clooney was more philosophical.

 “F*ck Affleck. How does he like them Apples?”

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