orlando bloom

HOLLYWOOD – Orlando Bloom is in danger of being cancelled after drowning a child in a canal.

Orlando Bloom has had some career. He was in Lord of the Rings. However, things took a turn for the worse this week when he was witnessed in Venice, Los Angeles, pushing a small child, believed to be about five years old, into a canal. The child couldn’t swim and onlookers looked on horrified while the Legolas actor stood on the bank laughing his shiny face off and imitating the child’s desperate attempts to stay on the surface.

One witness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We saw Katy Perry’s husband walking along and there was a child at the canal and then we didn’t see what happened bu there was a splash and the child was yelling for help. I had suede moccasins on so my wife jumped in to try and rescue the child. Unfortunately, Bloom broke off the branch of a nearby sapling and thrashed my wife around the head to keep her away from dying infant.

Police say there was absolute no motivation for the Pirates of the Caribbean actor to do that which he did.

We’re baffled. Bloom has always been bland and inoffensive. The only theory that we are working on is that this is some attempt to rebrand himself with a kid of bad boy image. Well, you’re going to need to drown more than one child if you’re going to try and do that.

The Last Straw

Many Hollywood celebrity watchers are wondering if this might be the last straw for Bloom.

Basically, that article in the Sunday Times was a disaster where he talked about his daily routine. I wonder if this is the classic dead cat tactic, where you double down and try and change the conversation. If that’s the case, then I don’t think it’s worked because I just mentioned the Sunday Times article. So I’m obviously still thinking about that, even though he’s now murdered a child.

┬áThe police released a statement saying they’re not going to pursue a prosecution of Bloom. This is because apparently: ‘no one can find the body and anyway we find his accent charming.’

Orlando Bloom is available.


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