ORLANDO BLOOM: 2012 BEST YEAR YET
LONDON – Orlando Bloom has had his best year yet as an actor, he declared yesterday. Bloom has been celebrating 2012 as the year in which he has made no bad films; not one.
‘It’s something I’ve been struggling hard to achieve,’ Bloomers said. ‘I was almost there last year but then I made The Three Musketeers and that was that.’
Throughout the noughties Bloom (or Orlando Blando as he prefers to be known) made a series of films that defined irritatingly stupid wastes of money from the interminable Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which manage to render a joyride joyless, to the endless Lord of the Rings trilogy, culminating in the God awful crusade it-was-so-long-it-could-easily-have-been-a-trilogy Kingdom of Heaven.
The problem with Blando was ‘the more films I made, the more apparent it became that I wasn’t a great actor.’ As Legolas the Elf, Bloom was convincingly unemotional, looked effete, had cat like grace and fired arrows, but when called on to play human beings as in Elizabethtown Bloomingdales consistently failed.
‘Then I realised the secret, if I DIDN’T appear in films, not just not act – I’d been doing that from the get go – but not even turn up, not even make films, then my reputation would … well, no it’s too late for that, but still the world is a better place. Not a single bad Orlando Bloom performance in 2012.’
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