LONDON – One Direction have signed up to play the infamous Droogs in Mike Birbiglia’s long-awaited remake of A Clockwork Orange.

“It came down to a matter of funding” said Birbiglia.

Universal offered to give me $100 dollars and some KFC discount vouchers if I made the film with a cast of unknowns but if I was willing to consider One Direction, they’d transfer $200 million into my paypal account before I left the boardroom. Four seconds later and after much soul-searching, I decided One Direction were perfect for the roles.

Asked how the band felt about administering the old ultraviolence, Birbiglia said they jumped at the chance to tarnish their squeaky clean image:

The boys saw the publicity Miley Cyrus received when she showed the world her ass and they wanted a piece of it. In fact we were originally going to remake it shot-by-shot but they said it wasn’t violent enough. They wanted more violence and so we got rid of the majority of the storyline and now it’s basically two hours of them beating up tramps and bludgeoning people to death with giant penises. Their agent suggested it might alienate their existing fan base of pre pubescent girls and old men in long raincoats but I told them, girls grow up, old men die, your audience will change so you’ll have to change with them.

Despite Birbiglias confidence, it seems that not everybody is happy with the new direction of One direction and the official fanclub twitter page @1DFAMILY has already expressed outrage.

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