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Tuesday 11 August 2020
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OBITUARIES: THE WOLVERINE

OBITUARIES: THE WOLVERINE













“His life was gentle; and the elements
So mixed in him, that Nature might stand up
And say to all the world, THIS WAS A WOLVERINE!”
― William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

LONDON – Respected star of stage and screen The Wolverine (who recently changed his name from Hugh Jackman as we reported here) sadly passed away this morning in what police are calling: “Horrific but highly entertaining circumstances”.

“We’d received reports that some vigilante with plastic claws was running around the city dressed in yellow spandex,” said Chief Inspector Johnson of new Scotland Yard.

Apparently he’d been helping old ladies across the road and rescuing cats from trees so we didn’t think it was a matter worth investigating but then he ended up in Covent Garden and, well, things got a little weird. According to eyewitnesses, The Wolverine appeared brandishing a chainsaw proclaiming he had something called ‘A mutant healing factor’ and couldn’t be killed. Thinking he was a street performer a crowd gathered around him and The Wolverine invited a member of the public to cut off his arm with the chainsaw, claiming it would grow back. Well obviously what happened next was extremely gruesome. We think the gentleman must have been on strong painkilling drugs because he seemed fine when his left arm was chopped off and only grimaced when his right arm was severed. By this time the crowd was roaring for more and you know these actor types, they can’t resist applause so he called for assistant to saw through his legs. To give him credit he was still conscious when the 1stleg came off but when the blade was about to come down on his 2nd it became obvious to everyone that he’d bled to death.

Celebrity psychologist Dr Emil Schaffhausen, who had previously warned that Jackman’s decision to change his name to The Wolverine could have dire consequences, told The Studio Exec that he is currently working with an actor with a similar identity crisis.

Due to confidentially laws I cannot reveal who my client is but lately he’s been claiming that God has told him to build an ark and fill it with two of every animal. What’s the harm in that you might say but if history has taught us anything it’s that once you think that God is speaking to you directly, things tend to take a turn for the worst.

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