HOLLYWOOD – After this morning’s shock news that Ben Affleck will play the role of the caped crusader in Zack Synder’s Untitled Batman/ Superman movie, Christopher Nolan has announced that he will erase Christian Bale from his trilogy and replace him with Affleck.

“DC comics wants continuity,” said a business-like Nolan.

Of course we wanted Christian on board but he won’t play ball. He think he’s too good for the role, that his shit doesn’t stink, well let me tell you. I’ve been to the bathroom after him and not only does his shit stink, he uses all the toilet paper and often forgets to flush.

Nolan went on to say that the procedure to transform Bale into Ben is not that complicated.

They are a similar age and similar build. Not that those things matter. Computers these days can solve any problem but without getting technical. We are basically going to digitally decapitate Christian and replace his head with Ben’s. Then we get Affleck to record Bale’s lines and hey presto. We got ourselves a brand new Batman.

Asked whether he expects a public outcry at his decision to doctor his beloved Bat films, Nolan laughed.

I’m sure you’ll get a few whining fan boys on the message boards but as soon as they are re-released at the cinemas they’ll all be there opening night. Anyway, if you think about it did anyone really give a tuppenny f*ck about Bale as Batman? I mean sure he did a good job but will anyone be calling a suicide hotline because I’m replacing him with Ben? I doubt it. Though I do expect a stronger backlash when I replace Heath Ledger as the Joker.

When pressed to elaborate on his plans for Ledger’s replacement Nolan was reluctant.

Look, Heath was great. Really great and if he hadn’t have shot himself in the head with a bazooka or whatever he did, then he’d be my number one but as I said, DC wants continuity so The Joker will now be played by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law.

Christopher Nolan’s remastered Batman Trilogy is due for release in 2014.

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