HOLLYWOOD – On the release of Darren Aronofjy’s Noah, the Studio Exec has some notes for the original author.

Dear God (or the Creator as you prefer to be known),

I’ve just seen your film Noah and I have some notes. 

1. You make no sense. You mumble more than Marlon Brando. You seem to communicate with your main man with the same fast-cutting technique that Darren Aronofsky used to show drug addiction in Requiem for a Dream, and with similarly disastrous consequences. These visions are MTV cool (well done) but liable to misinterpretation by a sad eyed psychopath and his family of Nazi vegetarians.

2. As an actress Emma Watson is a great Hermione Granger. Anthony Hopkins has lost a lot of weight since I lost saw him, but his character also seems to have lost the plot. First he has a magic sword, then he doesn’t. Hangs about a mountain, drinks tea, tries his hand at some amateur gynecology? He isn’t a character, he’s a Swiss army plot device. And Ray Winstone is portentous donkey plop.

3. Well done for the Biblical correction apple to pomegranate, but less well done with the stone trolls from Middle Earth.

 4. The CGI looks like Tubal Cain did it. Steve Carrell had a more convincing ark-full. And if you send all the animals to sleep – for nine months – doesn’t … don’t they … I mean… what? And why is everyone dressed in Apocalypse by Diesel? 

Finally, ignore everything I’ve just said. I’m glad the film is stupidly silly, utterly unconvincing and comically foolish. The morality of the film is so disgustingly wrong that if the film was in any way convincing, moving or interesting, there’d be a danger that someone other than the deluded cavemen of fundamentalism might take it seriously. The eco-bollocks simply reminded me that Hitler was a Vegetarian. 

I can’t believe how radically wrong this film is. We spend the whole time worrying about poor Noah and his mental health. Imagine if we had a similar rendering of any other genocidal story – a Rwandan village chief, Pol Pot, a Gulag guard, a concentration camp executioner – and the main thrust was how sorry we should feel for the killer because of the damage that his cruel (but necessary) work does to his family life and his psychological well being. 

Noah felt like what the murderers of The Act of Killing would have produced had they been granted a Hollywood budget. So thank the lord (I suppose that’s you) it’s so bad as to be almost beneath serious consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Studio Exec

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