LONDON – The wonderful world of kitchens was rocked today by the news that celebrity chef, broadcaster and writer Nigella Lawson allegedly used drugs in some of her most popular recipes.

Close personal friend and Celebrity Chef watcher, Morris Pantalon stated that, in the cooking world, using illegal drugs as ingredients was an open secret:

I remember when I first tasted her mushroom risotto. I said, ‘Wow, Nigella! This is magical.’ Little did I know the mushrooms actually were magic and I would spend the next seven hours trying to fly the hallway rug out of the house and into inner space.

An insider from Nigella’s publishing house who did not wish to be named remarked on how earlier drafts of her books were much more explicit about what came to be known as ‘special ingredients’. 

In How to be a Domestic Goddess there was a chapter called ‘A Little bit of TLC starts with a little bit of LSD’. In fact the title came from the idea that your guests, or hubby, or whoever would hallucinate and so you could convince them you were an Aztec Goddess. In Nigella Express all the cupcakes were sprinkled with cocaine and the blue icing was a special form of crystal meth that she picked up from somewhere in New Mexico. We changed the wording to make it less explicit but everyone knew.

Also, many celebrity cooks have rallied to Nigella’s side. Gordon Ramsey issued a carefully worded statement, saying: ‘It was f*cking c***ish f*ck faced t*t w*nker c*nt *rse, obviously.’ And Jamie Oliver tweeted the whole thing was ‘Wicked’, but we’re not sure what idiom he intended or if he indeed had understood the situation. 

Nigella’s Munchies will be available in time for Xmas.  

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