Monday 30 November 2020
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SANTA BARBARA – Reports are coming in that beloved actor Warren Beatty is in a critical condition after he was brutally attacked by a giant squid.

Beatty, 76, was enjoying lunch with fellow actor George Hamilton at the Biltmore Hotel when the incident took place.

“It was a sunny day so we thought we’d have our lunch by the pool,” said a visibly shaken Hamilton:

We’d had a glass of wine and were about to tuck into a bowl of crabs legs when all of a sudden a Giant Squid appeared from out of nowhere and viciously attacked Warren. It was a blur of fists and tentacles and by the time I came to my senses and reached for my salad fork to fend off the beast, it had scurried off into the bushes, leaving Warren battered and bloodied on the veranda.

Paramedics were immediately on hand to attend to Beatty who was swiftly taken by helicopter to the hospital. Meanwhile police have confirmed they have arrested the alleged assailant.

“We have a suspect in custody,” said Captain Frank Rosco of the Los Angeles police department:

He claims that Mr Beatty has been engaged in a long -standing affair with his wife who, during a recent domestic dispute, revealed that Mr Beatty is the biological father of their six daughters.

Asked if the attack was connected in any way to Burt Reynolds recent mauling by a hammerhead shark, Captain Rosco shook his head:

The incident you’re referring to was instigated by a dispute over an unpaid gambling debt and has been settled by both parties out of court.

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