Mark Wahlberg

HOLLYWOOD – Today NATO put aside its difficulties over Russian activity on the Ukraine border and the threat from ISIS in Iraq and turned their attention to a much more pressing problem: the continued career of Mark Wahlberg.

President Obama joined David Cameron and other leaders in denouncing what he saw as:

Mr. Wahlberg’s relentless disregard for quality, credibility¬†or emotional range. He has repeatedly flouted the feelings of audiences everywhere and has insisted on appearing in films such as The Happening and Transformers 4. As if adding this kind of tripe to the universe wasn’t bad enough, Mr. Wahlberg also persists in taking excellent films from the past – such as The Italian Job and now The Gambler – and turning them into bland pointless idiocies which make you feel like you’ve just drank a gallon of milk after eating a large bowl of unsalted unbuttered mashed potatoes.

When asked what NATO was actually prepared to do beyond issuing statements, the Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen was not shy of entering into specifics:

Don’t be mistaken. Mark Wahlberg presents NATO with an existential threat. I repeat an existential threat. There are a number of economic sanctions we can apply immediately to Mr. Wahlberg via our allies in the European Union and of course the US. But the urgency of Mr. Wahlberg’s case also means we will not preclude the use of armed force, perhaps even a drone strike to make sure that his boring boring face doesn’t get projected on another screen for as long as we have breath in our bodies.

In a typically provocative reaction both Syria, North Korea and Russia have jointly announced Mark Wahlberg Day which will inaugurate a series of screenings of his ouvre throughout the world.

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