HOUSTON – NASA today announced that they have found conclusive proof of liquid Matt Damon on Mars.
The existence of liquid Matt Damon on Mars has been a posited as a theoretical possibility ever since the Nineteenth Century. The Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli observed the Red Planet in 1877 and started a new craze following a mistranslation of his word channels as ‘canals’ which gave many the idea that there were also Gondoliers and bridges. Frozen Matt Damon has already been observed, but the chances of finding liquid Matt Damon were thought to be slim because of the weak atmospheric pressure which would allow Damon to evaporate, or freeze due to the extremely low temperature.
Scientist Howard Wells told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
The nest we’ve been able to do is look for trace elements of Matt Damon. Evidence that he was at some point here. So far this has been a case of looking for where Ben Affleck is and then by a form of trigonometry working out a notional positioning of the Damon, liquid or otherwise. Stephen Soderbergh can be brought in to adjust the calculations.
The first image of Damon on Mars has become a classic and iconic image, reportedly much better than Ocean’s 13 but not as good as the first Bourne film. Ridley Scott who coincidentally filmed The Martian starring Matt Damon on Mars remarked that he was delighted:
Those NASA boys are fantastic. While we were on Mars filming, Matt Damon had a tinkle behind a rock and I said to him ‘Hey, they’ll be claiming they’ve found liquid Matt Damon on Mars next!’ and you know what, as soon as I heard they were making this announcement, I thought, ‘oh no!’
The Martian is on general release.