It’s a toss up between 12 Angry Men and The Descendants. 12 Angry Menbecause it’s a moral masterpiece that is pretty much as perfect as film making gets. As for The Descendants, I’ll have to come clean here and admit that it came about as result of a bet between Alex Payne and I that we could make a terrible movie and yet dumbass critics would fall over themselves to praise its genius.

Let’s start with the directing. Pedestrian at best. The script. Tedious. obvious crap and don’t even get me started on the acting. Okay I was trying to be bad but I was shocked that I can sink that low. I even got a little depressed about it and considered seeing a therapist, but, after a hot cup of Nespresso (available now from all quality retailers), my anguish was relieved by a sudden injection of delicious liquid caffeine. Some believe there’s a conflict of interests between my work with poverty stricken children in Darfur and my decision to take money from an alleged baby killing, water stealing, slave labor endorsing company like Nestle; all I can say to that is, hey, talk to my agent.

Anyway back to the diabolical Descendants. Todd McCarthy of the Hollywood Reporter called it “A splendid Comedy-drama”. No Todd. No. Lay off the crack. Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian said it “…holds a promise of gentleness that is fulfilled, and a promise of complexity that isn’t.” Utter gibberish but my personal favorite review came from Nigel Andrews of the Financial Times who exclaimed “The saving notes are the film’s minutiae. There are dialogue moments in Payne’s drollest, enemies-on-edge style.”. You know I have no f*cking idea what he’s talking about but I’m 100% certain it’s bulls*it.

We were pleased that we fooled the critics but when the awards started coming in, it just got embarrassing. Alex and I had planned to make a trilogy of bad films and we’d started working on the second, a real piece of crap, but we both got waylaid with other projects so I handed the film over to Ben Affleck and that’s the story of how Argo was conceived.
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