MOBILE PHONES TO BE BANNED FROM CINEMAS
ZURICH – A meeting of the UN council has unanimously voted that mobile phones will be banned from cinemas worldwide from 2017.
“You would think that the average human being would have the common courtesy to turn their mobile phone off in a screening room,” said UN advisor, Josepf Schmell.
Unfortunately our research suggests the opposite and whilst the vast majority of people are able to sit through a movie without calling their mother or posting Instagram pictures of their popcorn, a small but significant number of individuals are serial offenders.
According to Schmell, as well as banning all electronic devices, the UN have proposed that anyone caught ignoring the ban will be severely punished.
If you’re caught you will be taken into a back room and slapped around a bit, then a couple of big lads will be sent around to your parents to slap them around for not teaching you good manners; and that’s just for a first offence. For a second offence we’re advocating the use of chemical castration and for a third you will be doused in petrol, set on fire and your charred head will be placed on a pike outside of the cinema as a grim warning to others.
Asked if he thought these measures were a little harsh, Schmell shook his head.
Compared to the ideas that were originally on the table, these punishments are very tame indeed. One member of the council suggested we force the offender to sit through an Adam Sandler retrospective but unfortunately that would be a direct breach of the Geneva convention for human rights.