Monday 26 October 2020
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HANOI – Michael Bay and his rag tag army of Hollywood actors, stunt men and special effects guys are in full retreat as the counter offensive saw them routed from their strong hold in the American embassy.
According to eyewitnesses, a crack squad of Vietnamese soldiers infiltrated the embassy by posing as pizza delivery guys. Claiming they had an extra big pizza in the van, they lured the American film maker and his explosive experts out of the embassy and onto Vietnamese soil where they were strafed by a heavy machine gun.

Lots of things exploded from three different angles and Michael Bay, with hand outstretched as though trying to grab the unravelling fabric of history and ravel it back, shouted ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ in slow motion. A journalist from Reuters described how the Hollywood stuntmen ‘were crying like girls’.

The remains of Bay’s army grabbed the pizza and fled the scene. Soon the retreat turned into a rout as they were pursued by heavily armed mopeds.

‘Dumber than an old stool sample

Bay had been waiting for promised reinforcements from John Milius, who has (as we can now EXCLUSIVELY report) diverted into Cambodia with his private army and declared himself ‘Warrior King’.

Sean Penn is – at time of writing – preparing a rescue squad to go in and pull Michael Bay ‘out of his own ass’, as Penn put it.

For more on the back ground of the war click here or here.

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