shooting coverage

HOLLYWOOD – All the major news organisations have decided that in an effort to cut costs they will recycle coverage from the latest mass shooting to cover the next one.

The shooting at the Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon which cost nine lives, is to be the last such shooting to be covered with original footage. News organisations, including Fox news and CNN announced today that they would be recycling the same footage of flowers being laid, politicians offering their prayers and heartfelt sympathies, the NRA talking about mental health issues, and comedians like Stephen Colbert suddenly becoming serious and exasperated, and will be using it all for the next massacre which is expected sometime within the next two months.

A source from one of the major networks said:

These shootings are happening too often for us to justify spending resources on them as ‘news’. Yes, they are terrible. Yes, they are tragic, but the response is pretty much the same and with a bit of ADR and a different caption and map, we should be able to do exactly the same job. The politicians don’t differ in their response, from the call for more gun control to the bar room psychiatrists who aver that terrible things can only be done by the mentally ill. The heartfelt prayers, the thoughts, the sympathies: we can just cut and paste that. Even the killers aren’t that different. Hate filled runts who actually fantasize about appearing on the news in just the kind of way that we end up presenting them.

At the time of writing news has just come in of an 11-year-old boy killing an 8-year-old girl with his father’s shot-gun. Feel free to recycle this same satirical article with suitable modifications.

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