MATT DAMON STOPPED SHITTING IN PUBLIC

Matt Damon Recently Stopped

BREAKING NEWS – Matt Damon stopped shitting in public when his daughter told him to.

After his daughter told him shitting in the streets was not the done thing, Matt Damon has recently stopped defecating in public. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Matt sat down to explain why he no longer drops the kids off kerbside.

 

So Matt, we understand your daughter has been educating you?

Yeah. Can you believe it? First she told me I can’t use the F word anymore because it’s ‘homophobic’ and then she says I can’t shit in the streets anymore. I mean, what the fuck?

 


I’m pretty sure Matt Damon or anyone shouldn’t be shitting in public anywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? What a pity. I love nothing more than dropping my pants and letting nature take over wherever the hell I am. George and Brad swear by it. They’ll tell you themselves, it’s helped make their careers. And it sure as shit made mine.

 


How the hell can taking a dump in public be good for your career?

It’s a real power move. I was once negotiating with Scorsese over my fee for The Departed. His people did not want to budge on the numbers. So I said, ‘Let’s go for a walk’. As soon as we were out on the streets in Bel Air, I dropped my pants and BOOM! I shat all over the sidewalk as I looked them in the eye. I got 5 points on the back end. And they got my back end right there in front of them.

 


Jesus.

You said it man. How do you think I keep getting all these lead roles? Talent? Hah! No way. Everyone is literally shit-scared of me. How do you like them brown apples? Good Will Dumping, hah!

 

Stillwater is currently in theatres.

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