HOLLYWOOD – Marvel buy up Batman and the rights to the DCU super detective in a shocking legal development.
The decision came from Warner Brothers in a bid to recoup losses on the recent financial disaster, The Justice League and then spunking $80million more on the 4 hour bum-numbathon, Snyder Cut. This prompted the move from Warner that meant Marvel buy up Batman. Kevin Feige confirmed the move in an exclusive interview he gave The Studio Exec Bungalow HQ.
Kevin, thanks for coming to the bungalow:
My pleasure man, you guys sure got a sweet set up here. I never knew the bungalow had a secret cave with a fireman’s pole. Sweet. But no worries, I can keep a secret.
Anyway, can you tell us about the property you have purchased?
Fricken right I can. We just bought Batman from those stupid, emo mother fuckers DC Warner. Their books have really hit the shit-can lately. They splurged a load of money on The Justice League and that Snyder Cut and they got fuck all return on it. Warners had to make some green pretty quick, and not the kind that carries a lantern, know what I mean. They sure as shit weren’t going to make any from their movies so they sold Bruce Wayne to us. Holy kerching Batman!
Wow. That’s quite a shock.
With Stark dead, we needed another narcissist billionaire and he seems like a good fit. We’ll need to get some colour on the guy, that’s for sure. We’re thinking of going with bright yellow and green.
A bright yellow Batman?
You betcha, and we’ll stop all his moping around about his parents. None of that Martha shit in the MCU. He’s going to be more like a super-rich cool surfer dude. Think Richard Branson in bright yellow spandex who fights crime, but isn’t a posh sounding, self-publicising bell-end of course.
How will Batman fit into the MCU?
We see him as a sidekick to Antman and The Wasp. Put the funny guys together. Maybe some homo-erotic subtext, we want to remain true to Batman after-all. It could be quite a groovy love triangle with Ant Man, The Wasp and Batman. We’re thinking of new villains like The Ant-Eater, The Hedgehog and The Wind Farmer.
The Wind Farmer? Why?
Wind farms really fuck with bats at night, it’s terrible. I saw a YouTube video all about it. Fucking heartbreaking when you think about it. Those poor little bats.
The big question is who will play the Marvel Batman?
Jim Parsons. He’s tall, dark and no longer tied up with The Big Bang Theory. He’d be perfect. He has that simmering strength, and he has the gravitas to deliver those immortal words, ‘I’m Batman, EXCELSIOR!’