LONDON – The 57th BFI London Film Festival opened last night with a Gala presentation of Paul Greengrass’ new film Captain Phillips and although I didn’t have an official invitation I assumed that this was simply a way of encouraging me to get into the swing of things. So I stole a small motorboat and, dressed in Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow cast offs, boarded the cinema from the banks of the Thames and roaring ‘Shiver me timbers’.and hoisted the skull and cross bones before what could only be described as ‘deeply frightened members of the public’. It turned out I had got the wrong cinema.  
Tom Hanks thought the whole thing hilarious when I met him later in the bar. Many people don’t know this about Hanks because of his screen persona, but he is in fact a highly unstable man prone to acts of insane psychopathic violence. He reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson but without the sense of  timid restraint. Add to this he hates the British and we were in for a fun evening. No sooner could you say ‘fire extinguisher’ than Hanks was punching a waiter in the throat and throwing the crockery at the assembled dignitaries. I quietened things down as best as I could and got Gump into a car, but in the confusion I let Greengrass get in behind the wheel. That asshole drives like he edits. We were all over the road and before you could say Angels and Demons we were back in the Thames. However as the shock of the cold water began to ebb and I freed myself from the sinking car, I heard the distant sound of Moby playing and began to swim for the surface, praying Hanks would be close behind.   

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