tom hanks

HOLLYWOOD – Today Tom Hanks was forced to admit that life was nothing ‘like a box of chocolates’, finally ending years of hopeless speculation.

Tom Hanks told the Studio Exec in an EXCLUSIVE interview this morning that life was NOT like a box of chocolates despite having claimed the contrary to millions of theater goers and making their lives a living hell as a consequence.

I think you’re exagerating a just a line in a movie and if you look at the movie it is quite clear that Forrest Gump is not being held up as some kind of expert.

Au Contraire! I think we was supposed to think of Gump as a Holy Fool who spoke truth to corrupt society.

That’s your interpretation but…

God damn it Hanks! It isn’t an interpretation, it’s the objective truth.

The objective truth? Now you listen to me Exec, there is no truth that’s as broad as the varied experience of lived existence, the splash of cold water, the running through the rain wet grass, the warmth of the sun on a baby’s face, bicycles, 747 jumbo jets, explosions on the Gaza strip. You can’t constrain that with your cold description and the narrowness of language.

So what are you saying then?

Life is not like a box of chocolates. Because when you get a box of chocolates you know you’re going to get chocolates. It’s internally incoherent. Life could have been described as like a box of chocolates if inside you could get things that weren’t chocolates. Fruit, little bits of stone, the foam of a breaking wave.

Tom, are you okay?

Jesus, this acid is strong.

Just let it break over you. Do you want some orange juice. Get some vitamin c. 

My blood sugar is low give me some candy.


Wow. A box of chocolates. If you think about it life is, you know, like a box of chocolates.

Tom Hanks is in Bridge of Spies.

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