HOLLYWOOD – Leonardo DiCaprio has bought the Pacific Ocean and will be using it exclusively for his own filthy pleasures. 

The news came at the launch of the new Leonardo DiCaprio Ocean Foundation, an event organised in collaboration with the US State Department and featuring Secretary of State John Kerry. The Gangs of New York star said that the only way to protect the Ocean was for him to buy it and keep it for himself:

I’ve always been a profound lover of the oceans and particularly the Pacific. So now I’ve bought it, everyone has twenty four hours to get out of it. Cruise ships won’t be allowed to cross it, nor sailing boats, container ships or trawlers. Oil tankers are right out. Surfers can all f*ck off as well. Not that they’re a major environmental hazard so much as they’re just really irritating assholes.

The Titanic actor added:

I’ve bought some satellites which will be monitoring my ocean and if I catch anyone swimming or even paddling, they’ll be zapped by my Clooney guns.

Most environmental groups have praised DiCaprio but there has also been criticism. Belfourt Scutz of Green Eye said that the seven million dollars which the actor had paid for the Ocean was ‘small change’:

What you have to understand is the Oceans are connected. There’s simply no point buying the Pacific Ocean if you’re not going to buy the Indian Ocean, the Arctic and the Atlantic as well.

Some civil rights groups also protested but even they admitted that DiCaprio should have won the Oscar for Wolf of Wall Street and not that asshole McConaughey. Asked what he intended to do with his new Ocean, DiCaprio amazed reporters by telling them:

I’ll swim out as far as I can and then I’ll take a long whizz. 

The Revenant will be released in 2015. 

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