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Monday 10 August 2020
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LARS VON TRIER INFILTRATES CANNES JURY

LARS VON TRIER INFILTRATES CANNES JURY

CANNES – It was revealed today that Lars Von Trier has infiltrated the Cannes jury but it is as yet unclear which jury member has the Danish controversialist hidden somewhere within them.

The Croisette was on red alert last night as it emerged that Lars Von Trier has somehow managed to infiltrate the Cannes Jury. Presidents of the Jury Joel and Ethan Coen released a joint statement in which they both said that the Nymphomaniac director had been detected via special irony machines set up for that very purpose by the Gendarmes.

We knew something like this might happen. What we didn’t know was how clsoe he would get. We know he is actually inside one of the members of the jury. How he did this is as yet unclear, though our money is on a Fantastic Voyage type of shrinking machine.

Where could Lars Von Trier be?

Rossy de Palma (Actress – Spain)
She would make the perfect host. Utterly charming and unsuspecting and plus Von Trier would be attracted to the dusky southern lady.

Sophie Marceau
(Actress, Director – France)
Unlikely. Sophie is a waifish figure unlikely to hide the gross presence of the Breaking the Waves director.

Sienna Miller (Actress – United Kingdom)
Lars Von Trier might try to infect the impressionable American born but UK based actress. Would she have the will to resist his MIND POWERS?

Rokia Traoré (Composer, Singer-songwriter – Mali)
Although not strictly speaking a racist, Von Trier is a Nazi and so his Aryan nature is unlikely to mix well with the Malian singer.

Guillermo del Toro (Director, Writer, Producer – Mexico)
Perhaps the obvious place to look. The Pacific Rim director has room enough for a whole Dogma movement.

Xavier Dolan (Director, Writer, Producer, Actor – Canada)

Canadian prodigy Xavier Dolan has had a string of critical successes. How could one so young be so artistically mature? Perhaps if there was a great Dane lurking within the state of Xavier.

Jake Gyllenhaal (Actor – United States)

We all know how much Lars Von Trier loves Hollywood movies and none more so than the Prince of Persia. In many ways Gylenhaal would be the perfect place to find one’s very own private Brokeback Mountain.

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